Shall we talk about a crappy day?
I wasn't "feeling it" when I got up this morning. I loved having the "snow day" with the boys-although I woke up with the worlds most awful headache. I shouldn't be suprised though, I've had one for almost 2 weeks now.
I was thankful for the time with them, and quit honestly, the COMPANY of my kids keeping me busy. Although my mind races constantly, it was nice to have somewhat of a distraction.
We had an appointment with Caleb today, trying to help him with his grief. On the way home, we had to stop @ the funeral home and pick up Maddox (or Maddoxs' remains I should say) and his death certificate. Yea, that was a blast. Standing there signing paperwork that I am infact the mother of the tiny box sitting on the counter. I wasn't even sure I wanted to take it out of the funeral home. We haven't yet decided what we are going to do with his ashes.
In case you've never seen the remains of a tiny child, they literally come in a 1x1 platsic white box. Inside the box is a teeny tiny little baggie (smaller than a ziploc "snack size" bag) that has just about a pinky sized amount of ashes in it. So, you can imagine my panic attach that shortly followed when I realized that the child that Cris and I created, that grew inside of me for 5 months, that moved, smiled, kicked, punched, sucked his thumb, had a beautiful heartbeat and layed in my arms for his 24 minutes alive was inside of this box that is smaller than my palm. My 1lb 10oz son was in the palm of my hand, in a form that I had never seen before, and desire to NEVER see again in any human, especially any more children of my own.
Not only am I trying to emotionally go through the process of this CRAP, I am trying my hardest to keep it together every single day for my kids. I am trying to aleviate any grief or hard times for them. I am trying to remain "normal" for their sake so they can continue to excel in every aspect of their life.
One of the guys that I work with keeps tabs on me (which I love & appreciate). He asked me today how I was holding up and my response to him with no filter was "if I can drag myself out of bed everyday I guess we're doing pretty good". It seems that everyone I work with is expecting me to be back to work, like NOW. I don't think anyone realizes that not only did I just give birth-actual birth people, not just a minor little surgery, but I also just gave birth 8 months ago, had major surgery following it and never sat down long enough to DEAL with it.
I think losing a child is just as much emotional as it is physical. People don't realize that you still have the physical aftermath of giving birth. I won't go into that, because I know I've talked about it before in my blogs. But just because I will physically heal (I assume at some point, although I would really prefer sooner than later), it will take a much longer time for me to heal emotionally, if ever...and I mean EVER.
Cris has school to keep him busy.
Isaac has baseball, basketball, soccer, school & girls to keep him busy.
Caleb has CALEB to keep him busy (enough to keep any person busy, or drive a sane person very batty within a matter of seconds).
I am constantly trying to figure out something to keep me busy so that I can not deal with any of this.
I love my job, but I am finding it hard to think about going back. While i enjoy what I do, for the SECOND TIME, I was pregnant while working there and have no additional children going back into the swing. While I have no doubt in my mind that my job will keep me busy, it's just hard for me to think about sitting back @ a desk trying to concentrate on doing something other than living in my cloudy world of hurt.
I will continue to be "normal" around all people in my life. Somedays I am not even sure I want to talk out loud. But, I will continue to strive for keeping my kids and families life normal.
I have decided on a tattoo that I am going to get in honor of Ian, Owen & Maddox. I have to pick out 1 more part to honor Isaac & Caleb but I have at least picked out the one for the twins and Maddox. I am HOPING to go soon to get it.
I wasn't "feeling it" when I got up this morning. I loved having the "snow day" with the boys-although I woke up with the worlds most awful headache. I shouldn't be suprised though, I've had one for almost 2 weeks now.
I was thankful for the time with them, and quit honestly, the COMPANY of my kids keeping me busy. Although my mind races constantly, it was nice to have somewhat of a distraction.
We had an appointment with Caleb today, trying to help him with his grief. On the way home, we had to stop @ the funeral home and pick up Maddox (or Maddoxs' remains I should say) and his death certificate. Yea, that was a blast. Standing there signing paperwork that I am infact the mother of the tiny box sitting on the counter. I wasn't even sure I wanted to take it out of the funeral home. We haven't yet decided what we are going to do with his ashes.
In case you've never seen the remains of a tiny child, they literally come in a 1x1 platsic white box. Inside the box is a teeny tiny little baggie (smaller than a ziploc "snack size" bag) that has just about a pinky sized amount of ashes in it. So, you can imagine my panic attach that shortly followed when I realized that the child that Cris and I created, that grew inside of me for 5 months, that moved, smiled, kicked, punched, sucked his thumb, had a beautiful heartbeat and layed in my arms for his 24 minutes alive was inside of this box that is smaller than my palm. My 1lb 10oz son was in the palm of my hand, in a form that I had never seen before, and desire to NEVER see again in any human, especially any more children of my own.
Not only am I trying to emotionally go through the process of this CRAP, I am trying my hardest to keep it together every single day for my kids. I am trying to aleviate any grief or hard times for them. I am trying to remain "normal" for their sake so they can continue to excel in every aspect of their life.
One of the guys that I work with keeps tabs on me (which I love & appreciate). He asked me today how I was holding up and my response to him with no filter was "if I can drag myself out of bed everyday I guess we're doing pretty good". It seems that everyone I work with is expecting me to be back to work, like NOW. I don't think anyone realizes that not only did I just give birth-actual birth people, not just a minor little surgery, but I also just gave birth 8 months ago, had major surgery following it and never sat down long enough to DEAL with it.
I think losing a child is just as much emotional as it is physical. People don't realize that you still have the physical aftermath of giving birth. I won't go into that, because I know I've talked about it before in my blogs. But just because I will physically heal (I assume at some point, although I would really prefer sooner than later), it will take a much longer time for me to heal emotionally, if ever...and I mean EVER.
Cris has school to keep him busy.
Isaac has baseball, basketball, soccer, school & girls to keep him busy.
Caleb has CALEB to keep him busy (enough to keep any person busy, or drive a sane person very batty within a matter of seconds).
I am constantly trying to figure out something to keep me busy so that I can not deal with any of this.
I love my job, but I am finding it hard to think about going back. While i enjoy what I do, for the SECOND TIME, I was pregnant while working there and have no additional children going back into the swing. While I have no doubt in my mind that my job will keep me busy, it's just hard for me to think about sitting back @ a desk trying to concentrate on doing something other than living in my cloudy world of hurt.
I will continue to be "normal" around all people in my life. Somedays I am not even sure I want to talk out loud. But, I will continue to strive for keeping my kids and families life normal.
I have decided on a tattoo that I am going to get in honor of Ian, Owen & Maddox. I have to pick out 1 more part to honor Isaac & Caleb but I have at least picked out the one for the twins and Maddox. I am HOPING to go soon to get it.
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