I slept long enough last night to have a dream-
I of course am having a really hard time sleeping right now. I went through the exact same thing with Ian & Owen for months after they were born. It wasn't until I got pregnant with Maddox that I was simply finally tired enough to really sleep more than a few minutes at a time.
Since Maddox was born, I can sleep about 2 hours at MOST and then I am up tossing and turning either the rest of the night, or most of it. I can sometimes get about another good 30-45 minutes a couple more times a night but i wake up a lot in between those sleep sessions.
Anyway, my dream last night is one of those that I really don't remember much detail about. I kind of relived my delivery with Maddox. I did the same thing many many times with the twins. The biggest difference in my dreams about the kids is about physically what I FELT during the deliveries. With Ian & Owen, Things were sudden in the sense that we had 0 warning that we were in labor until it was too late. I was @ the hospital in time to get the epidural and push babies out. With Maddox, we had 4 1/2 days worth of warning. My epidural with the twins was in many many hours prior to delivery so my body was completely numb and I felt nothing. With Maddox, my epidural was done after 4 days of injected pain meds and intense bedrest. My epidural was done around 1am and Maddox came 2 hours later. For some reason this time, my epidural only took in my lower legs. But as far as delivery is concerned, I felt it all. It wasn't horrible of course because he only weight 1lb 10 oz. None the less, it was labor. I remember precisely what it felt like the very MOMENT my son was born. It's a feeling I won't ever forget. It's a feeling I can't even describe. It was so bittersweet for me. Most moms would be scowling in pain if there was no epidural and almost probably take for granted that relief they feel when their child is born. Mine was bittersweet. I was thankful for the "end" of things. I was thankful that there were finally answers and outcomes. Not the ones that I wanted of course, but at least outcomes. I was so sad for the end also. I knew that that FEELING that I felt was ending my perfectly healthy sons life. I knew that giving birth to him meant that his chances were over. I felt so burdened and so heart heavy because I wasn't able to protect the son (3 for that matter) that did not deserve this. I felt like I was killing my son. I still feel that way. I found myself vacuuming yesterday asking myself what kind of mother am I? I can't even keep children alive. Caleb is right, our babies die, and other peoples don't. It's a VERY hard thing to process in my mind. That FEELING I felt when Maddox was born, was not joy. It was shame. It was not excitement, it was absolutely pure raw pain. I wanted to see my child so badly, and got just 24 precious moments with him and again, I felt another son die in my arms. I felt another piece of my life just melt away. I felt like a mother that can't protect her family.
I of course am having a really hard time sleeping right now. I went through the exact same thing with Ian & Owen for months after they were born. It wasn't until I got pregnant with Maddox that I was simply finally tired enough to really sleep more than a few minutes at a time.
Since Maddox was born, I can sleep about 2 hours at MOST and then I am up tossing and turning either the rest of the night, or most of it. I can sometimes get about another good 30-45 minutes a couple more times a night but i wake up a lot in between those sleep sessions.
Anyway, my dream last night is one of those that I really don't remember much detail about. I kind of relived my delivery with Maddox. I did the same thing many many times with the twins. The biggest difference in my dreams about the kids is about physically what I FELT during the deliveries. With Ian & Owen, Things were sudden in the sense that we had 0 warning that we were in labor until it was too late. I was @ the hospital in time to get the epidural and push babies out. With Maddox, we had 4 1/2 days worth of warning. My epidural with the twins was in many many hours prior to delivery so my body was completely numb and I felt nothing. With Maddox, my epidural was done after 4 days of injected pain meds and intense bedrest. My epidural was done around 1am and Maddox came 2 hours later. For some reason this time, my epidural only took in my lower legs. But as far as delivery is concerned, I felt it all. It wasn't horrible of course because he only weight 1lb 10 oz. None the less, it was labor. I remember precisely what it felt like the very MOMENT my son was born. It's a feeling I won't ever forget. It's a feeling I can't even describe. It was so bittersweet for me. Most moms would be scowling in pain if there was no epidural and almost probably take for granted that relief they feel when their child is born. Mine was bittersweet. I was thankful for the "end" of things. I was thankful that there were finally answers and outcomes. Not the ones that I wanted of course, but at least outcomes. I was so sad for the end also. I knew that that FEELING that I felt was ending my perfectly healthy sons life. I knew that giving birth to him meant that his chances were over. I felt so burdened and so heart heavy because I wasn't able to protect the son (3 for that matter) that did not deserve this. I felt like I was killing my son. I still feel that way. I found myself vacuuming yesterday asking myself what kind of mother am I? I can't even keep children alive. Caleb is right, our babies die, and other peoples don't. It's a VERY hard thing to process in my mind. That FEELING I felt when Maddox was born, was not joy. It was shame. It was not excitement, it was absolutely pure raw pain. I wanted to see my child so badly, and got just 24 precious moments with him and again, I felt another son die in my arms. I felt another piece of my life just melt away. I felt like a mother that can't protect her family.
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