Do you have any idea how exhausting it is to ensure that you stay busy 100% of your day-including the 6-8 hours that you are awake at night when you SHOULD be asleep?
My heart is absolutely breaking tonight. My friend Kara posted yesterday about a friend of hers whose little girl was having to go through surgery to try & "repair" some parts of her to help her survive. I do not know all of the ins and outs of this story-except what I have read from Kara. Today her post consisted of a million tears. The little one wasn't able to survive the surgery and/or aftermath and gained her angel wings.
It's funny how things don't affect you one minute and then many hours/days later hit you like a ton of bricks. I have been doing a really good job of staying away from the "happy" facebook posts. Not that I don't care, but some of them are hard for me to read right now. I had a big problem after the twins were born reading about my friends that were finding out they were pregnant. It was even more awful to see pregnant people or newborns. This time, for some reason, I don't find that as awful. I don't want to say, "I'm used to it". But in a way, I am used to it. Not something I think ANYONE should get used to. When I went for my 2 weeks followup a few weeks ago, my Doctor said " I know this has to be hard for you" and I responded with something like "it's ok, I am used to it". She said exactly the words I said before " this isn't something anyone should be USED TO". But truly, it is.
Someone I knew growing up had a baby in the last week or so. While I am purposefly NOT seeking pictures of this child, I am happy for her & her family. I don't want to see and/or hear about their miracle....but I am happy for them. I am sure those that are expecting don't want to see/hear about my sorrow just as much, so I understand.
It's also so very emotionally exhausting to be where I am right now. I don't realize this during the day because I keep myself going 100 miles an hour constantly so that I don't have to stop & think about it all. I realize it about this time everyday. The time where we sit down as a family and catch a TV show, eat dinner, or just sit down together to play a game or something. It's THIS TIME of day that it hits me harder than any other. I sit here a look @ my family, and realize that there are 3 keys parts missing. Then I get consumed with anger. Today was an off day for some reason. I woke up fine, we started the day just fine. We ran a bunch of family errands but about 1/2 way through them,I started to get really irritated. I started to FEEL physically and emotionally tired. I felt very short fused and angry. That feeling has stayed with me all day. After Ian & Owen were born, I was so much more productive in dealing with things. I was on websites, researching grief, supporting foundations like " Remember our babies" and others that supported or provided information about infant & pregnancy loss. I found tons of information about processes, about what happens, about medical terminology related to these cases. I made myself so very aware of what had happened to me it was scary. It gave me something PRODUCTIVE to focus on. I read a lot. I found a lot of comfort in reading other peoples stories of loss on baby boards and in books. This time though, those same type of stories really irritate me. Because I can read them & say "Oh, you lost your daughter or your son". I've lost THREE OF THEM! I realize that's selfish-because every single person going through this should NEVER GO THROUGH IT-but I can't help it. Call it my selfish human nature.
I am much more destructive this time around. This last week alone, I've had a lot of destructive behavior. Not to myself or anyone else (because I am sure someone reading this is thinking that is what I mean by that). I don't mean that at all. I mean more like careless, stupid behavior that you don't think before you DO kind of stuff. My husband will probably get our bank statement @ the end of the month and try to hunt me down as I hide somewhere because I've felt so reckless the last 3 weeks. I've had a huge inability to CARE about stuff. I can't gather my thoughts long enough to make a good decision.
People continue to ask me "what do you need". Good LORD, I wish I knew. Believe me, if I knew what I needed, there would be no one questioning me about it because I would have gotten it already, or done it already!
I have tried to find music to give me some peace. I've tried reading books to give me some peace. I've tried talking to friends, spending money, being alone (not a good thing for me right now). I've tried it all-Right now, there is nothing to bring me any sense of peace. I keep trying to convince myself that this is just normal 2nd nature for our family now. But then I get so angry thinking about it and what it's done to us. It has DESTROYED me personally. I can last for short times in front of people, pretending that things are OK. My poor children are dying for their mom back and I can't give them what they need. I am tired of being "fine" for everyone.
I've mentioned this before. We are now 3 weeks & 2 days from when Maddox was born. For those of you reading this that have children, remember back to coming home, what your 1st 6-7 weeks were like physically. Everything you have to deal with after birth whether you have a D&C or not. Your milk production, lack of sleep, emotional roller coaster, hot flashes, hormones, among a lot of other things. Now, take all of those things and imagine dealing wtih all of them as horrible reminders of the child/children you also have to bury during those first few weeks. ALL OF THOSE THINGS STILL HAPPEN whether my baby comes home with me or not. It was hard enough leaving the hospital on June 25th in the van riding home in silence beacause Cris nor I knew what to say to each other, or say at all. Then to do it again on February 23rd....no words. This time, it was such a heavier burden because I knew what to expect. I knew to expect silence. I knew to expect those sad pathetic phone calls and looks when we were out. On the topic of heavy-the lady checking me out @ Walmart this week smiled when she looked @ my neclace. She chuckled and said "those rings and stuff are going to weigh you down". I smiled & said "they sure do".
I swear, When I breath in, it feels like I am not even breathing. There are 500 bricks on my constantly. My body just plain hurts. My head has hurt for months now.
I have a hard time even LOOKING at my children, because to me, it's so dissapointing for them. That's a good word-that's the one I've been looking for. I feel the DISSAPOINTMENT from people. Not that anyone has ever ever said they were dissapointed in our situation, but I feel like from the boys standpoint, I feel like I've let THEM down. In the hospital, all I could tell Cris was "I am so sorry". He would never ever blame it on me and has never made me feel like this is MY fault, but he was finally getting excited about this child after all that had happened with Ian & Owen and the aftermath. I just kept staring @ him saying "I am so sorry". I just wish I could convince myself that sorry isn't necessary-but I am, I am just so so sorry!
I have too much else to write tonight but I just can't come up with the words-I keep getting ahead of myself.
My heart is absolutely breaking tonight. My friend Kara posted yesterday about a friend of hers whose little girl was having to go through surgery to try & "repair" some parts of her to help her survive. I do not know all of the ins and outs of this story-except what I have read from Kara. Today her post consisted of a million tears. The little one wasn't able to survive the surgery and/or aftermath and gained her angel wings.
It's funny how things don't affect you one minute and then many hours/days later hit you like a ton of bricks. I have been doing a really good job of staying away from the "happy" facebook posts. Not that I don't care, but some of them are hard for me to read right now. I had a big problem after the twins were born reading about my friends that were finding out they were pregnant. It was even more awful to see pregnant people or newborns. This time, for some reason, I don't find that as awful. I don't want to say, "I'm used to it". But in a way, I am used to it. Not something I think ANYONE should get used to. When I went for my 2 weeks followup a few weeks ago, my Doctor said " I know this has to be hard for you" and I responded with something like "it's ok, I am used to it". She said exactly the words I said before " this isn't something anyone should be USED TO". But truly, it is.
Someone I knew growing up had a baby in the last week or so. While I am purposefly NOT seeking pictures of this child, I am happy for her & her family. I don't want to see and/or hear about their miracle....but I am happy for them. I am sure those that are expecting don't want to see/hear about my sorrow just as much, so I understand.
It's also so very emotionally exhausting to be where I am right now. I don't realize this during the day because I keep myself going 100 miles an hour constantly so that I don't have to stop & think about it all. I realize it about this time everyday. The time where we sit down as a family and catch a TV show, eat dinner, or just sit down together to play a game or something. It's THIS TIME of day that it hits me harder than any other. I sit here a look @ my family, and realize that there are 3 keys parts missing. Then I get consumed with anger. Today was an off day for some reason. I woke up fine, we started the day just fine. We ran a bunch of family errands but about 1/2 way through them,I started to get really irritated. I started to FEEL physically and emotionally tired. I felt very short fused and angry. That feeling has stayed with me all day. After Ian & Owen were born, I was so much more productive in dealing with things. I was on websites, researching grief, supporting foundations like " Remember our babies" and others that supported or provided information about infant & pregnancy loss. I found tons of information about processes, about what happens, about medical terminology related to these cases. I made myself so very aware of what had happened to me it was scary. It gave me something PRODUCTIVE to focus on. I read a lot. I found a lot of comfort in reading other peoples stories of loss on baby boards and in books. This time though, those same type of stories really irritate me. Because I can read them & say "Oh, you lost your daughter or your son". I've lost THREE OF THEM! I realize that's selfish-because every single person going through this should NEVER GO THROUGH IT-but I can't help it. Call it my selfish human nature.
I am much more destructive this time around. This last week alone, I've had a lot of destructive behavior. Not to myself or anyone else (because I am sure someone reading this is thinking that is what I mean by that). I don't mean that at all. I mean more like careless, stupid behavior that you don't think before you DO kind of stuff. My husband will probably get our bank statement @ the end of the month and try to hunt me down as I hide somewhere because I've felt so reckless the last 3 weeks. I've had a huge inability to CARE about stuff. I can't gather my thoughts long enough to make a good decision.
People continue to ask me "what do you need". Good LORD, I wish I knew. Believe me, if I knew what I needed, there would be no one questioning me about it because I would have gotten it already, or done it already!
I have tried to find music to give me some peace. I've tried reading books to give me some peace. I've tried talking to friends, spending money, being alone (not a good thing for me right now). I've tried it all-Right now, there is nothing to bring me any sense of peace. I keep trying to convince myself that this is just normal 2nd nature for our family now. But then I get so angry thinking about it and what it's done to us. It has DESTROYED me personally. I can last for short times in front of people, pretending that things are OK. My poor children are dying for their mom back and I can't give them what they need. I am tired of being "fine" for everyone.
I've mentioned this before. We are now 3 weeks & 2 days from when Maddox was born. For those of you reading this that have children, remember back to coming home, what your 1st 6-7 weeks were like physically. Everything you have to deal with after birth whether you have a D&C or not. Your milk production, lack of sleep, emotional roller coaster, hot flashes, hormones, among a lot of other things. Now, take all of those things and imagine dealing wtih all of them as horrible reminders of the child/children you also have to bury during those first few weeks. ALL OF THOSE THINGS STILL HAPPEN whether my baby comes home with me or not. It was hard enough leaving the hospital on June 25th in the van riding home in silence beacause Cris nor I knew what to say to each other, or say at all. Then to do it again on February 23rd....no words. This time, it was such a heavier burden because I knew what to expect. I knew to expect silence. I knew to expect those sad pathetic phone calls and looks when we were out. On the topic of heavy-the lady checking me out @ Walmart this week smiled when she looked @ my neclace. She chuckled and said "those rings and stuff are going to weigh you down". I smiled & said "they sure do".
I swear, When I breath in, it feels like I am not even breathing. There are 500 bricks on my constantly. My body just plain hurts. My head has hurt for months now.
I have a hard time even LOOKING at my children, because to me, it's so dissapointing for them. That's a good word-that's the one I've been looking for. I feel the DISSAPOINTMENT from people. Not that anyone has ever ever said they were dissapointed in our situation, but I feel like from the boys standpoint, I feel like I've let THEM down. In the hospital, all I could tell Cris was "I am so sorry". He would never ever blame it on me and has never made me feel like this is MY fault, but he was finally getting excited about this child after all that had happened with Ian & Owen and the aftermath. I just kept staring @ him saying "I am so sorry". I just wish I could convince myself that sorry isn't necessary-but I am, I am just so so sorry!
I have too much else to write tonight but I just can't come up with the words-I keep getting ahead of myself.
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