I read something earlier about being humbled before God in all of our good & our bad times in life. It touched on a few certain points about humility & being grateful to God in all of our failures and our sucesses.
I have SO many issues with this article as you can imagine. First & foremost, I can assure you that the author of this article has not been through the conception, growth, delivery and death of 3 children. I do know this as a fact incase you are wondering =) There has been no child loss for that matter. I feel very defensive in the fact that it's hard to judge someone else's religious relationship when you have not walked even a 1/2 a step in the others shoes.
I have made absolutely NO secret that I am angry with God. I will CONTINUE to make no secret that this is an issue with me. I will also make no secret that the "religious" influences in our life previously are conveniently no where to be found during the last 8 months. I will NEVER hold a grudge on this because I understand that eveyone struggles with their own things in life and that our situation is one that is hard to approach. I understand that people simply don't know what to say, so they just say nothing. I can assure you-this is the WRONG choice.
I have a hard time reading things that tell me I should praise GOD in my struggles-especially when I feel the desire to QUESTION GOD for my struggles. I do not believe that "he needed more angels". Are you kidding me? This takes me back to the Rabbit Hole move that I have talked about in my blog before. The greiving mother replied to that comment with " Then why didn't he just make one, he IS GOD for goodness sakes"
I can not sit here & feel anything but a heart of steel when it comes to GOD and what I SHOULD be feeling towards praising him.
I've never been someone that has been outwardly religious. I was on shaky ground PRIOR to losing Ian & Owen. Not that I did not desire the relationship with God that I envid in others, but I never fully felt the way these people described.
After losing Ian & Owen, I tried to pray, I tried to ask questions and I always found myself blaming God. I won't be embarassed about that. I've been told a million times that "our God knows and understands". Well, if that were true, then WHY is "our God" continuing to allow this to happen to us? I can't IMAGINE there is any lesson to be learned in burying your children. Would that lesson be in strength? BEcause if that's it-it's not working. I am weaker now than I have ever been. Is it to teach patience? I SURE hope not, because that's certainly not happening either. Is it to teach me some kind of Karma, because I am SURE that nothing I have done in my 29 years of life could come CLOSE to deserving this, but perhaps I am wrong. Is this supossed to bring us closer together as a family to the Lord-because that certainly isn't happening as angry as I am with God.
This article talked about hanging onto God in times of struggle and trusting that the struggles with take care of themselves. It also made insinuations that people that don't feel that way, need a lesson in Humility-and it insinuated that we as humans are so selfish to believe anything is about US and our struggles, as it should be all about God and his ability to handle our happiness and our sadness.
How hard was that to read? UNbelievable hard because I don't believe I am a bad person. I don't believe that I am less of a person beacuse I am angry with God. I also don't believe that if I just decide to wake up tomorrow and say "OH well, God has this, I can stop crying over my dead children"-that anything will be any different.
Maybe I AM selfish.....Maybe I am greiving more than most people would. Perhaps I am just voicing my grief instead of holding it in. Maybe I've just lost the ability to filter things that I say and I've hurt some feelings during my losses. If any of that is the case, then I am sorry.
I have SO many issues with this article as you can imagine. First & foremost, I can assure you that the author of this article has not been through the conception, growth, delivery and death of 3 children. I do know this as a fact incase you are wondering =) There has been no child loss for that matter. I feel very defensive in the fact that it's hard to judge someone else's religious relationship when you have not walked even a 1/2 a step in the others shoes.
I have made absolutely NO secret that I am angry with God. I will CONTINUE to make no secret that this is an issue with me. I will also make no secret that the "religious" influences in our life previously are conveniently no where to be found during the last 8 months. I will NEVER hold a grudge on this because I understand that eveyone struggles with their own things in life and that our situation is one that is hard to approach. I understand that people simply don't know what to say, so they just say nothing. I can assure you-this is the WRONG choice.
I have a hard time reading things that tell me I should praise GOD in my struggles-especially when I feel the desire to QUESTION GOD for my struggles. I do not believe that "he needed more angels". Are you kidding me? This takes me back to the Rabbit Hole move that I have talked about in my blog before. The greiving mother replied to that comment with " Then why didn't he just make one, he IS GOD for goodness sakes"
I can not sit here & feel anything but a heart of steel when it comes to GOD and what I SHOULD be feeling towards praising him.
I've never been someone that has been outwardly religious. I was on shaky ground PRIOR to losing Ian & Owen. Not that I did not desire the relationship with God that I envid in others, but I never fully felt the way these people described.
After losing Ian & Owen, I tried to pray, I tried to ask questions and I always found myself blaming God. I won't be embarassed about that. I've been told a million times that "our God knows and understands". Well, if that were true, then WHY is "our God" continuing to allow this to happen to us? I can't IMAGINE there is any lesson to be learned in burying your children. Would that lesson be in strength? BEcause if that's it-it's not working. I am weaker now than I have ever been. Is it to teach patience? I SURE hope not, because that's certainly not happening either. Is it to teach me some kind of Karma, because I am SURE that nothing I have done in my 29 years of life could come CLOSE to deserving this, but perhaps I am wrong. Is this supossed to bring us closer together as a family to the Lord-because that certainly isn't happening as angry as I am with God.
This article talked about hanging onto God in times of struggle and trusting that the struggles with take care of themselves. It also made insinuations that people that don't feel that way, need a lesson in Humility-and it insinuated that we as humans are so selfish to believe anything is about US and our struggles, as it should be all about God and his ability to handle our happiness and our sadness.
How hard was that to read? UNbelievable hard because I don't believe I am a bad person. I don't believe that I am less of a person beacuse I am angry with God. I also don't believe that if I just decide to wake up tomorrow and say "OH well, God has this, I can stop crying over my dead children"-that anything will be any different.
Maybe I AM selfish.....Maybe I am greiving more than most people would. Perhaps I am just voicing my grief instead of holding it in. Maybe I've just lost the ability to filter things that I say and I've hurt some feelings during my losses. If any of that is the case, then I am sorry.
Comments
Post a Comment