It's been a long time since I've blogged a big long blog about everything.
Today, just might be the day to catch up!
I want to start by saying how much I appreciate the REAL people in my life. I really need to go do a good "friend" clean out-because there are obviously some out there that just like to be nosey. They don't care about people, situations, or who they hurt, they just keep being themselves (which apparently is not that great of a person).
For those of you that know our family & we talk regularly, you know about some personal situations that have been happening regarding Isaac & Caleb. I am not in the business of discussing situations in a public space that could potentially harm someone else's reputation or future. Others are no so kind as I have come to find out =). That's ok though. I am strong, My family is strong, and we will prevail from everything and anything you can throw our way. We had a situation on Friday involving one of our children. The situation is under control now and we have had plenty of helpful hands behind us helping us through this process. I would appreciate the respect of privacy for ALL parties involved and the negative rumors to stop. However, I can not control people so I realize there is litle I can do about this. All I can do, is know the facts and move forward. All I can do is protect my family.
On that note, it really does bother me that there are people in this world that you can know for 4 days or 14 years and they still can't figure out what they are. They STILL continue to belittle others, to degrade people, the spread rumors, to tell lies, to make things up just to be "popular" for about 5 minutes. Is it really that important to you, that you have to be so hurtful to others? Is your 5 minutes of fame really worth all that you're doing to everyone else?
I am stooping to the level I guess, since it bugs me that after all my family has been through,things would continue to happen like they are. But, I then remember that these are wordly things. I have done nothing wrong. My son is a victim. My FAMILY is a victim. I just think when too many hands are in the pot-a big mess occurs & Obviously-to each their own during this feeding frenzy. I will just keep my eye on the prize-My children & their happines & safety.
Last week was 2 milestones for us. Maddox's 1 months anniversary was Friday & Ian & Owens was Saturday. On top of the emotions of our Friday, it has been a really hard couple of weeks.
I wouldn't say things are "easier" but I think I have found a new "peace" about it. I have come to realize that, like it or not, THIS is my life. This is what it is right now. I can't change it. I can make it better as far as how i view it, but I can't CHANGE it.
I am OK with that- I HAVE to be ok with that. I am a mother of 5 children. No one can change the reality that I get to tuck 2 of them in @ night and only cry for the other 3. It is what it is. It's times like right now, that it bothers me that people are going through things as horrible as we are as far as losses, yet there are those that can only drum of drama for happiness. I can tell you-I am so emotionally exhausted daily after spending all of my energy focusing on NOT focusing on my loss. I am TRYINg to have a more positive outlook on things in general. I have started doing a few things for ME that will better my life and better the lives of my kids and husband. If I have taken anything away from the pain & heartache of losing my sons, it is this. I am strong! I am stronger than I ever knew I could be. I am also very weak. It has forced me to see things in a way I didn't think I could. It has forced me to look inside of myself to figure out who I am in this world. I still question the purpose for this. Someone told me in an email awhile back that "I don't know why God has chosen this to be in your story, but he has". It IS my story. I am on the inside looking out at this big huge world full of broken people (myself included). Yet, I can see a lot of those broken people out there with big giant pieces of duct tape on them. It's a temporary fix yes, but for some, it's a start to rebuilding. I am rebuilding. Cris and I are rebuilding. Isaac & Caleb are rebuilding. Ic an't speak for the rest of my family, but I am sure in some parts of this, they too are rebuilding.
Life has thrown so many twists and turns in my life lately, I can't even tell you all of them because I know I'd leave some out. I am constantly having to remind myself, that I am a good person. Rough around the edges most of the time, and as my husband pointed out ever so nicely, I have turned into a pretty mean person sometimes. =) But, I am AWARE of this. I am AWARe that my rough spots are because of what has happened but what has happened has made me who/what I am today. Which, while somedays are easier than others, I am OK with who I am. I am OK with what my life has become. I am OK because I know I have a million hugs waiting for me on the other side of this. I have amazing friends who support me in my pissed off rants. I have amazing family that continues to keep us positive. I have a supportive husband and 2 wonderfully talented amazing kids that just want to be kids. I am far more blessed than most. I don't desire the Drama I spoke of earlier in the blog. I don't desire to be the mother that can't juggle more than 1 thing @ a time. I don't desire to be that mother that has to continue to change friends/places of worship/etc because people keep figuring out their true colors. I don't desire tobe what I am not. I AM this person, I HAVE this story and I will tell it, proudly. Mostly likely through a few battles with tears and while picking out the gray hair, but I will tell it. I will tell it as a strong person. I will previal.
Today, just might be the day to catch up!
I want to start by saying how much I appreciate the REAL people in my life. I really need to go do a good "friend" clean out-because there are obviously some out there that just like to be nosey. They don't care about people, situations, or who they hurt, they just keep being themselves (which apparently is not that great of a person).
For those of you that know our family & we talk regularly, you know about some personal situations that have been happening regarding Isaac & Caleb. I am not in the business of discussing situations in a public space that could potentially harm someone else's reputation or future. Others are no so kind as I have come to find out =). That's ok though. I am strong, My family is strong, and we will prevail from everything and anything you can throw our way. We had a situation on Friday involving one of our children. The situation is under control now and we have had plenty of helpful hands behind us helping us through this process. I would appreciate the respect of privacy for ALL parties involved and the negative rumors to stop. However, I can not control people so I realize there is litle I can do about this. All I can do, is know the facts and move forward. All I can do is protect my family.
On that note, it really does bother me that there are people in this world that you can know for 4 days or 14 years and they still can't figure out what they are. They STILL continue to belittle others, to degrade people, the spread rumors, to tell lies, to make things up just to be "popular" for about 5 minutes. Is it really that important to you, that you have to be so hurtful to others? Is your 5 minutes of fame really worth all that you're doing to everyone else?
I am stooping to the level I guess, since it bugs me that after all my family has been through,things would continue to happen like they are. But, I then remember that these are wordly things. I have done nothing wrong. My son is a victim. My FAMILY is a victim. I just think when too many hands are in the pot-a big mess occurs & Obviously-to each their own during this feeding frenzy. I will just keep my eye on the prize-My children & their happines & safety.
Last week was 2 milestones for us. Maddox's 1 months anniversary was Friday & Ian & Owens was Saturday. On top of the emotions of our Friday, it has been a really hard couple of weeks.
I wouldn't say things are "easier" but I think I have found a new "peace" about it. I have come to realize that, like it or not, THIS is my life. This is what it is right now. I can't change it. I can make it better as far as how i view it, but I can't CHANGE it.
I am OK with that- I HAVE to be ok with that. I am a mother of 5 children. No one can change the reality that I get to tuck 2 of them in @ night and only cry for the other 3. It is what it is. It's times like right now, that it bothers me that people are going through things as horrible as we are as far as losses, yet there are those that can only drum of drama for happiness. I can tell you-I am so emotionally exhausted daily after spending all of my energy focusing on NOT focusing on my loss. I am TRYINg to have a more positive outlook on things in general. I have started doing a few things for ME that will better my life and better the lives of my kids and husband. If I have taken anything away from the pain & heartache of losing my sons, it is this. I am strong! I am stronger than I ever knew I could be. I am also very weak. It has forced me to see things in a way I didn't think I could. It has forced me to look inside of myself to figure out who I am in this world. I still question the purpose for this. Someone told me in an email awhile back that "I don't know why God has chosen this to be in your story, but he has". It IS my story. I am on the inside looking out at this big huge world full of broken people (myself included). Yet, I can see a lot of those broken people out there with big giant pieces of duct tape on them. It's a temporary fix yes, but for some, it's a start to rebuilding. I am rebuilding. Cris and I are rebuilding. Isaac & Caleb are rebuilding. Ic an't speak for the rest of my family, but I am sure in some parts of this, they too are rebuilding.
Life has thrown so many twists and turns in my life lately, I can't even tell you all of them because I know I'd leave some out. I am constantly having to remind myself, that I am a good person. Rough around the edges most of the time, and as my husband pointed out ever so nicely, I have turned into a pretty mean person sometimes. =) But, I am AWARE of this. I am AWARe that my rough spots are because of what has happened but what has happened has made me who/what I am today. Which, while somedays are easier than others, I am OK with who I am. I am OK with what my life has become. I am OK because I know I have a million hugs waiting for me on the other side of this. I have amazing friends who support me in my pissed off rants. I have amazing family that continues to keep us positive. I have a supportive husband and 2 wonderfully talented amazing kids that just want to be kids. I am far more blessed than most. I don't desire the Drama I spoke of earlier in the blog. I don't desire to be the mother that can't juggle more than 1 thing @ a time. I don't desire to be that mother that has to continue to change friends/places of worship/etc because people keep figuring out their true colors. I don't desire tobe what I am not. I AM this person, I HAVE this story and I will tell it, proudly. Mostly likely through a few battles with tears and while picking out the gray hair, but I will tell it. I will tell it as a strong person. I will previal.
Comments
Post a Comment