Holy COW for hormonal emotional mood issues.
I've got more emotions than I could possibly EVER put into words.
I sat in the Doctors office this morning following up from my delightful visit to the ER this weekend (We will get to this in a second). Sitting across from a 15 year old girl with a 20 month old in her lap @ 18 weeks pregnant. She was talking to her mom so rudely and being such a bitchy little teenager (I am happy I don't have girls) and complaining about how she wanted to be done being pregnant, wish she hadn't made the same mistake twice....etc. I wanted to take that baby out of her hands and smack her over and over and over and over again!
On to my visit to the ER-I will be very vague here because I do not want to disgust my man readers-especially those of the father in law nature, because I know sometimes he reads these and I doubt he would appreciate being told the "ins and outs" of well, me! LOL (love you FFIL)
I had to go into the Emergency Room on Sunday because I had some post partum hemmhorage that was NOT normal. After 10 hours or so in the ER, it was determined that the hemmhorage was caused by the infection (likely) that is STILL lingering for some reason. I was given 10 days worth of medicines to make things stop. So, for the VAGUE description....I am basically allowed to SIT and BREATHE until I am allowed to return to work.
I'm gonna jump around a little bit here.
For those that know me, I used to find a lot of peace in music. After losing the twins, I didn't get any peace out of anything. After losing Maddox, I felt/feel even MORE anger than I did after Ian & Owen. However, there have been some songs lately that have really stuck with me.
Specifically the new Tim Mcgraw song-I think it's called Better than I Used to Be.
The chorus part doesn't really mean much to me, it's more of the lyrics in the verses.
" I know how to hold a grudge, I can send a bridge up in smoke
I can't count the people I've let down, the hearts I've broke
You don't have to dig to deap if you want to find some dirt on me
But I"m learning who you've been, aint who you've got to be
It's gonna be an uphill climb."
Lord how true is that in my life?? I absolutely can hold a grudge. I am currently hanging on to many many grudges that I am taking this down time to work though. I can send a bridge up in smoke....well, duh. I can't tell you how many bridges I burned as I've grown up. I've really made some stupid choices and stupid decisions in my career and personal life. I'd say I got the bridge part down pat. I also can't count the # of people in my life that I've dissapointed, including MYSELF. That's awhole other story not suited for this blog, but I can tell you, I KNOW the mistakes I've made and the people I've hurt. As far as broken hearts that I have caused-on a romantic standpoint, that would be 0 I am sure. I CAN say that I've had mine broken. In another attempt to just not get into past stuff, I can tell you a MAJOR turning point for me was when I realized in high school, that there are better things out there for me than I was allowing myself to achieve. IF I had to tell you 13-14years ago where my life was going to be NOW, I garauntee you, I would have given you a VERY different story than I am living right now. I don't just mean about Ian, Owen & Maddox. I mean, all together. I couldn't have told you 13-14 years ago, that I would be married to Cris. I would have probably said that after i finished school @ Bluefield, I'd be married, but I doubt I would have told you Cris, because I never imagined us in that place. We weren't even dating 13 years ago. (Not yet anyway). The worst thing in my WORLD 13 years ago was a bad break-up. Lord, why could I not see past such stupid things? Back then, when things were hard, I just ran away. In the summer of 2000, I ran away to CLCR (Camp Little Cross Roads). I went up there (it's in the mountains) to be a camp counselor. I can't tell you a WORSE PERSON IN THE WORLD to be an advocate @ a Christian camp than myself. But, at the time, I was running away from my "world" here that I thought was so bad. I spent that summer meeting new people, that have become lifelong friends (some of them) and finding a new person inside of me. I came back home @ The end of that summer, leaving a lot of hurt and brokenness behind. Or so I thought....14 years later, my choices still haunt me. 14 years later...yea it's rediculous.
This "situation" that has happened in my life over the last year has really given me a lot of time and reason to search through so many uncomfortable things in my life.
I am HAPPY to say that 14 years later, I AM married to the most perfect man in the world for me. So many people said we would never work because we are SO different. We had all of the odds stacked against us. It seems we still have a lot of odds stacked up against us. The world keeps throwing crap our way, but somehow, so far, we've survived together.
"but I'm learning who you've been, aint who youve gotta be"
Well, THANK GOD for that. I don't know that I could stand the person I've been. I don't even want to be THIS person in the years to come. I don't ever want ANYONE to be "this person". This current life is awful in the sense of suffering. Everything else in my world is amazing. I should never sit here and complain. I have a husband who despite my bitchyness (just about daily), my mood swings, my crazy attempt to be normal, my crying spells, my broken heart and broken spirit, he loves me. I have 2 boys that are the most amazing, nurturing, free spirits anyone could ever love. They are supportive and honest and a sincere blessing to me every day. I've got a family that will bend over backwards to spend every moment with my kids, and with us in total 100% support of every decision we make-even if they know it's not the right one. I've got friends surrounding me that give and give and give and never ask for me to be anything that I'm not. They understand that when they ask me how I feel today-they might just get a raw answer & they love me anyway!
This however is the part where I can't get anything from the Chorus
"I aint no angel, I've still got a few more dances, with the devil, I'm cleaning up my act little by little, I'm getting there, I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see, I'm not as good as I'm gonna get, but I'm better than I used to be"
It's true-I am NOT an angel. But, this verse to me a "religious" thing to me. If we are getting religious-then I am positive, absolutely POSITIVE this is the work of the devil. But, since I'm not feeling so religious these days, I can't really feel the "I'm not as good as I'm gonna get" thing.
For now, I'm moving on from this blog. I've got way too much to "process" right now that like I said @ the begining of this blog, I Can't get into words.
I've got more emotions than I could possibly EVER put into words.
I sat in the Doctors office this morning following up from my delightful visit to the ER this weekend (We will get to this in a second). Sitting across from a 15 year old girl with a 20 month old in her lap @ 18 weeks pregnant. She was talking to her mom so rudely and being such a bitchy little teenager (I am happy I don't have girls) and complaining about how she wanted to be done being pregnant, wish she hadn't made the same mistake twice....etc. I wanted to take that baby out of her hands and smack her over and over and over and over again!
On to my visit to the ER-I will be very vague here because I do not want to disgust my man readers-especially those of the father in law nature, because I know sometimes he reads these and I doubt he would appreciate being told the "ins and outs" of well, me! LOL (love you FFIL)
I had to go into the Emergency Room on Sunday because I had some post partum hemmhorage that was NOT normal. After 10 hours or so in the ER, it was determined that the hemmhorage was caused by the infection (likely) that is STILL lingering for some reason. I was given 10 days worth of medicines to make things stop. So, for the VAGUE description....I am basically allowed to SIT and BREATHE until I am allowed to return to work.
I'm gonna jump around a little bit here.
For those that know me, I used to find a lot of peace in music. After losing the twins, I didn't get any peace out of anything. After losing Maddox, I felt/feel even MORE anger than I did after Ian & Owen. However, there have been some songs lately that have really stuck with me.
Specifically the new Tim Mcgraw song-I think it's called Better than I Used to Be.
The chorus part doesn't really mean much to me, it's more of the lyrics in the verses.
" I know how to hold a grudge, I can send a bridge up in smoke
I can't count the people I've let down, the hearts I've broke
You don't have to dig to deap if you want to find some dirt on me
But I"m learning who you've been, aint who you've got to be
It's gonna be an uphill climb."
Lord how true is that in my life?? I absolutely can hold a grudge. I am currently hanging on to many many grudges that I am taking this down time to work though. I can send a bridge up in smoke....well, duh. I can't tell you how many bridges I burned as I've grown up. I've really made some stupid choices and stupid decisions in my career and personal life. I'd say I got the bridge part down pat. I also can't count the # of people in my life that I've dissapointed, including MYSELF. That's awhole other story not suited for this blog, but I can tell you, I KNOW the mistakes I've made and the people I've hurt. As far as broken hearts that I have caused-on a romantic standpoint, that would be 0 I am sure. I CAN say that I've had mine broken. In another attempt to just not get into past stuff, I can tell you a MAJOR turning point for me was when I realized in high school, that there are better things out there for me than I was allowing myself to achieve. IF I had to tell you 13-14years ago where my life was going to be NOW, I garauntee you, I would have given you a VERY different story than I am living right now. I don't just mean about Ian, Owen & Maddox. I mean, all together. I couldn't have told you 13-14 years ago, that I would be married to Cris. I would have probably said that after i finished school @ Bluefield, I'd be married, but I doubt I would have told you Cris, because I never imagined us in that place. We weren't even dating 13 years ago. (Not yet anyway). The worst thing in my WORLD 13 years ago was a bad break-up. Lord, why could I not see past such stupid things? Back then, when things were hard, I just ran away. In the summer of 2000, I ran away to CLCR (Camp Little Cross Roads). I went up there (it's in the mountains) to be a camp counselor. I can't tell you a WORSE PERSON IN THE WORLD to be an advocate @ a Christian camp than myself. But, at the time, I was running away from my "world" here that I thought was so bad. I spent that summer meeting new people, that have become lifelong friends (some of them) and finding a new person inside of me. I came back home @ The end of that summer, leaving a lot of hurt and brokenness behind. Or so I thought....14 years later, my choices still haunt me. 14 years later...yea it's rediculous.
This "situation" that has happened in my life over the last year has really given me a lot of time and reason to search through so many uncomfortable things in my life.
I am HAPPY to say that 14 years later, I AM married to the most perfect man in the world for me. So many people said we would never work because we are SO different. We had all of the odds stacked against us. It seems we still have a lot of odds stacked up against us. The world keeps throwing crap our way, but somehow, so far, we've survived together.
"but I'm learning who you've been, aint who youve gotta be"
Well, THANK GOD for that. I don't know that I could stand the person I've been. I don't even want to be THIS person in the years to come. I don't ever want ANYONE to be "this person". This current life is awful in the sense of suffering. Everything else in my world is amazing. I should never sit here and complain. I have a husband who despite my bitchyness (just about daily), my mood swings, my crazy attempt to be normal, my crying spells, my broken heart and broken spirit, he loves me. I have 2 boys that are the most amazing, nurturing, free spirits anyone could ever love. They are supportive and honest and a sincere blessing to me every day. I've got a family that will bend over backwards to spend every moment with my kids, and with us in total 100% support of every decision we make-even if they know it's not the right one. I've got friends surrounding me that give and give and give and never ask for me to be anything that I'm not. They understand that when they ask me how I feel today-they might just get a raw answer & they love me anyway!
This however is the part where I can't get anything from the Chorus
"I aint no angel, I've still got a few more dances, with the devil, I'm cleaning up my act little by little, I'm getting there, I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see, I'm not as good as I'm gonna get, but I'm better than I used to be"
It's true-I am NOT an angel. But, this verse to me a "religious" thing to me. If we are getting religious-then I am positive, absolutely POSITIVE this is the work of the devil. But, since I'm not feeling so religious these days, I can't really feel the "I'm not as good as I'm gonna get" thing.
For now, I'm moving on from this blog. I've got way too much to "process" right now that like I said @ the begining of this blog, I Can't get into words.
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