We had already decided we weren't going to try for any more babies. But, it was really a hard thing to hear the Dr. tell me earlier today on the phone that it is in our best interest NOT to try again. I am OK with it being MY decision, not so much that it is now someone else's decision. I can officially blame myself now for what happened. I don't care what anyone else says, I can blame myself. I have CHORIOAMNIONITIS. I haven't done a lot of research on it yet, and some of what I read differs slightly from what the doctor told me on the phone. He believed this was a gentic thing carried by me with no explination as to why it did not surface until AFTER 2 healthy pregnancies. From what I read, it happens DURING pregnancy. Yes, I might be a carrier, but I don't think all of the pieces added up correctly from his description. Lots of information out there on it that I need to take the time to read. The reason I said I can now blame myself?? Because we refused gen...
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Do you know that old saying... "when one door closes, another opens"? I hate that saying...and here is why. I pondered that saying so many times after Ian & Owen were born. In 2011, we had so many things going on in our personal lives from buying anther house, dealing with the house in Richmond, "new" traditions amoung our families as many things had changed and then welcoming twins into our family. During my blaming God rant, many times I would ask what POSSIBLY could be behind the "open door" that would make losing my sons OK? Many times I said that the door was closed on the twins BECAUSE of everything going in our lives. I made myself believe that God, or whomever was involved in this, was closing that door because we obviously weren't going to be able to handle raising 2 more boys. Then, I made myself believe that it was because God needed us to be a home for Maddox. Now that this door also has closed, I am at a loss. I can't imagine ...
and please PLEASE do not take anything that I've written as saying that I am not thankful for everyone in my life-I love all of my friends and am so thankful for each of you & all that you're doing for our family. I am not taking anyof that for granted. I was simply just mouthing off about how I was feeling about things at the very second I was feeling them-please do not take anything personally as this is my space to just vent!
While Honesty IS always the best policy...perhaps my Over Honesty in my last blog post hurt some feelings. When I said that I am not comfortable outside my small circle, this was not directed at any one person or group of people. I am thankful for ALL of my friends, even those that feel helpless right now when it comes to caring for me and for my family. If I offended you, I'm sorry. I do have anger towards some things that have happened. I am bitter, and I won't apologize for that. If you have stretched your arms out to help us and I have told you we are fine & don't need anything-it's because I don't know how to let people help us. I'm not the person that will joyfully run and ask for help. Please don't take offense to this. It just is not in my nature, I can't help it- You know the other day when I said the tears are there, but they aren't coming yet? Today, I eat my words. I did great until Cris left this morning and I finally had so...
After each loss I think there are things that are hard to deal with in daily life until the "new normal" sets in. After I lost the twins, I kept it to myself, but the new "pregnancies" really bothered me. While I was happy for my friends, it was really hard for me to hear their stories. I eventually got over it but it was something I had to face while I was greiving. At 28 years old, greiving my own 2 children was something totally new for me. I was being faced with emotions I'd never felt in my life. While it isn't any easier this time,it is different because I knew what to expect. It has been easier for me to go ahead and plan things to keep my mind occupied because after the twins, I felt so lost. I wasn't sure which direction to go in, and I wasn't sure what the end result was going to be. While I am still unsure of how this is all going to positively affect our lives, I have a better grip on this after losing Maddox. Get ready for my inc...
Like I said in yesterdays blog, I knew I'd pay for being so active yesterday. I am paying for it today! =) Cris and I BOTH had high hopes of things to get done while the kids were away this morning-but we got NOTHING done. We had a revolving door of visitors today-that brought lots of food and smiles-which was really nice. I don't have to cook this week at all!!!! I had a conversation with a friend earlier today about how I am doing. He was asking me how things were and telling me he couldn't imagine what we're dealing with emotionally. I told him right now for me, it's not the "emotional" part this go-round. It's more or less the "future" problems I am concerned with- After speaking with the High Risk Doctor, we now know that our changes of having another healthy, full term child are so slim. Either because A) I might have an IC and B) the infection I have may prevent the possibility. We accepted that either way, we knew we did not ...
In an attempt to NOT sit still and ponder on how insane my life has turned out to be @ 29 years old, I have started a project in every room of our house! 1st of all, let me say...Isaacs room has been SO FAR the most challenging. His room is not HUGE by any means-not like his room in Richmond was. For a 10 year old, he's a crap hoarder. I spent several hours tonight going through every nook & cranny in his room trying to reorganize and clean. Our house projects have really suffered in the last 10 months or so considering all that has happened-including the dusting of the kids rooms and weekly vacuuming. I don't usually go in their rooms because it is upsets me to see their version of "clean up your room". So, now that I've got about 6 weeks stuck in the house, I am making organization a HUGE project. Tomorrow, I shall begin Caleb's room. Cris and I took some time out tonight and went to get some stuff to complete a lot of the unfinished projects we...
So, you think I might have been cynical before? Let's recap the last 8 months. While I realize I am not the ONLY person to ever go through what we are going through, PLEASE explain to me how anyone could POSSIBLY think I would believe in miracles anymore? I've read many times over the last 6 days " I will pray for you" and while I can't express my gratitude for all of those prayers, I can honestly say on THIS side of it-I now know for SURE that prayer is not powerful. There were millions of prayers circulating around Ian & Owen-there were even MORE prayers circulating around Maddox and our family in the last 5 1/2 months, to no avail. I do not believe there is a plan in this. I do not believe that there could possibly be any reason for any human being to go through what we have endured. I can't even put into WORDS my dissapointment in "God" and prayers. I am not bringing this up to discourage anyone from continuing to pray for us. I am ...
THE "story" I've had a lot of people ask, but honestly do not feel like retelling the story 90 times. So, for those of you that do not know what happened in the last 6 days....here is the story. Sunday the 19th (the day after my birthday) I felt really really tired and crampy. At this point by our MOST RECENT ultrasound, we were 20 weeks and 6 days pregnant. By our FIRST ultrasound which is the one that they go by for purposes of "gestation weeks" I was 19 weeks 5 days. I ASSUMED the crappy feeling came from all that I had done the 2 days prior with birthday festivities. I went to bed a little earlier than Cris, when I got up to go to the bathroom after he came to bed, he ran after me and said "are you bleeding"? Apparently, I had bled enough that it was noticble. I said that I wasn't bleeding but after going to the bathroom realized I absolutely was bleeding a pretty decent amount of blood. I called the hopsital and the Dr. on call told me t...
Today is going to be a rough one, I can already tell. I slept last night-Some might think this is good. For me, it made me even more painfully aware that I no longer have to get up 4-8 times at night to go to the bathroom because I have a tiny person sitting on my bladder. Silly isn't it? The tears are right there. They haven't come yet. I finally had a breakdown in the hospital on Wednesday afternoon after Cris left to go to work and home for a little while. All of our visitors had gone or hadn't come yet. It was quiet and I hadn't been feeling good and I was bored and lonely but thankful for the time alone. I finally started allowing myself to think what would happen if we did infact make it to 23-24 weeks. Then I started thinking about what was going to happen if we were faced with the situation such as the twins. A lot of people don't realize all of the decisions that need to be made when you lose a child. Especially all of the decisions that have to be ...
Almost 12 hours now after giving birth to the newest baby Howard, I am sitting here at home trying to find the words to describe our gratitude to everyone for their continued prayers, thoughts, concerns, prayer chains, and posts. I can tell you on THIS day, my emotions are a little frozen, but at the same time, I am at peace. UNlike with Ian & Owens birth, I had warning with this one. I had 4 days to lay there and do nothing but prepare for the inevitable. Not that I was being pesimistic about the situation, but given the grim information about our state when we got there on Sunday, I was trying to remain realistic. I ddo not want to get my hopes up yet again to just be saddened by what I knew in my heart was going to happen. I was blessed with a team of FANTSATIC nurses that made 100% sure I was being informed every moment of everyday. They kept me laughing and kept my spirits up but never gave me false hope. They treated us like family the whole time we were in the hospital a...
update for all.
It is somewhat ironic that I am sitting here writing on a blog about the adventures of rainbow children while I am being faced with the familiar situation that was June 24th, 2011. This time is not a LOT different, but we do have SOME good on our side, for NOW. I'm not being "optimistic" but I am also not going to be negative about it. I am chosing to be realistic. Depending on which ultrasound you go by, I am anywhere from 20 weeks & 1 day to 21 weeks and 2 days pregnant. Ironically, this is a HUGE deal because it makes a difference as to WHEN intervention for baby can begin. The nurses have been honest with us, that we are probably going off of the 20 weeks 1 day ultrasound because that is the most accurate gestational age of the baby. He is just MEASURING a little ahead. Which will come in handy IF we make it to 23-24 weeks. BEST case scenario, we make it 23 weeks with me laying here virtually on my head. If we get to this point, steroid shots can be introduc...
YAY! We made it through some MAJOR milestones this week! If you follow this blog, you know that the past 7 days were on track to be very emotional in my life, both pregnancy and otherwise. 1st & foremost-TODAY was to be 20 weeks and 2 days. Again, if you follow my blog, or know me personally, you know how significant that is to me in this pregnancy. THat is the time in which Ian & Owen decided to be born. When we went in for our routine ultrasound on Friday, it was just to check everything out and make sure we were on track and that this baby was healthy. We found out that we are measuring a little ahead of schedule-and that FRIDAY was 20 weeks and 2 days. So, this was a BIG milestone for me personally-because this means I successfully carried to that point in the pregnancy. After a LOT of discussion, Cris and I decided that we did want to know the sex of this baby. We already have 4 boys, so we were EXPECTING a boy but naturally hoping for a little pink. Regardless o...
What a whirlwind of emotions!!!! WHat a whirlwind up a birthday weekend------ Much to MANY peoples dismay-we ARE having another boy!!!!!! So many things led up to us deciding to find out what we are having. Being a suprise was really important to me, but like I said, there were some factors in why we decided to find out AND share. I know people are not "dissapointed" but I can't count 1 hand how many times I've heard in the last 36 hours "Another boy?" or "Gosh, I guess you are capable of having girls". Let me just say one thing, I know that comments are meant well (most of them anyway) but we are BEYOND THRILLED to be having another little man in our family. I am sure girls are fun to raise, and I'd be lying if I said that I didn't have a small hope she was going to say GIRL so that I could buy the lambs and ivy raspberry swirl bedding. However, I heard NOTHING in that entire ultrasound after she said "it looks great, the bab...
So,We are 1/2 way through this crazy emotional week & my breakdowns are under 50, so I think we're doing well! I am starting to get excited though about so many things. MOstly my sister coming home this weekend & our birthday celebrations this weekend. I'm also having my "big" ultrasound on Friday-which is really scary & exciting. I know baby is doing just fine, I have heard his/her heartbeat in the last few days and I am feeing a lot more movement! I heard an old wivestale today, and now I know i can blame Isaac if we have another boy. Although, I would be THRILLED with another boy, we know it will be ISaacs fault. Apparently, if your 1st born has a straight hairline on the back of their neck, all future children will be the same sex. If they have a peak on their neck, then your future children will be opposite sex. It seems true considering we have 4 boys and 0 girls-exept for an adopted labby puppy. Regardless of what we're having, I will be...
This is going to be a VERY emotional week for me. I've been expecting it, but I have FELT the emotional stress in the last 10 days or so. This week ONE year ago, we found out we were pregnant with what we thought was to be our 3rd and last child. NEXT Sunday, will be the exact point in which we lost the twins in our pregnancy. This happens to also fall on my mother in law's birthday, so the emotions of that day will be difficult and happy all @ the same time. We are at a crucial point in our pregnancy this week. We have a big ultrasound on Friday to make sure all of the blood is flowing correctly as it should be. It also will check the babys' heart and lungs and development and make sure all things are in tact as they should be. With the twins, we weren't able to get the ventricles of the heart very well and had scheduled to go back the next week. We didn't make it to the next week. As most of you know, we've had a huge stress hanging over our heads for ab...
Night Time
I am terrified of nighttime. I am going to venture to guess it’s because I was in labor an entire 32 hours before realizing it and it was the nighttime the night of the 23 rd that was so terrible. Last night, I had a wonderful panic attack @ the beginning of my sleep cycle. I woke up during it-thanks to Shelby who woke me up. She never lets me sleep through my attacks. She is the one that woke so much the night I was in labor and didn’t know it. If you’ve never had one (a panic attack that is) it does horrible things to your mind & body. Many years ago, I was prescribed xanax to have in the event that I get a panic attack. Mine are not often enough to warrant being medicated daily to prevent them, but this medicine is my “come back to life” pill for when I feel them coming on. Of course though, being pregnant, it’s a type “D” drug and strongly discouraged while expecting. I have the option to take a daily pill to keep me grounded but it’s not really necessary, as I have l...
I wonder… Do you know what it is like to wake up everyday and realize there are 2 pieces of your heart missing? Today this is my focus. I am sure a lot of people that read this might actually get tired of hearing it-again, for those of you feeling this way, I urge you-stop reading my blog! =) I want you to continue reading, because I want you to understand the magnitude that a loss of such capacity can do to a human mind, body & soul, but if you’re truly not interested then please don’t waste your time! I’ve talked about my friend Kara many times in this blog and on facebook. For a quick recap; she and I were pregnant @ the same time. We met through an online mother of twins group. She lives many states away & we’ve never actually MET! Her boys were born just a few weeks after mine. They were “viable”. For those of you that do not know what that mean (I learned in on June 24 th ) It means that her children were of the gestational age where they were considered ...
Long & all over the place!
I am feeling very weepy today! Actually, I have felt this way for a couple of days. February is ALWAYS a busy month in my family. Birthdays start @ the end of January & continue into March covering MOST of my immediate family. Both Grandparents, sister, mom, husband, mother in law, brother in law & a few friends. There are a few stragglers in Late March-June. It’s funny though-even as busy as we are, this is kind of like Christmas all over again to me-I SHOULD be excited about all of this, but I am really just not. We had a great time out w/ Friends on Friday night-and that was really needed for my mental state. Saturday, we really did NOTHING except go to Isaacs’s basketball game. It was a really lazy day! That was nice-but I regret it today because there is laundry to be done, floors to clean, you know, all of the crazy stuff that happens in life! =) I took the day off on Friday from work because I’ve just had a lot going on and needed some time to get some err...
We are 2 days away from 18 weeks. Which means we are exactly 18 DAYS away from the time in our pregnancy that the twins were born. I've said before, I am fortunate to have a great doctor who supports everything and understands how I am feeling. She told me this week during an appointment that she feels like if we can get to 20 weeks, I will feel better. I am sure she is right, but I will find something else to obsess over in this pregnancy I am SURE. I've struggled lately with some "lost relationships". Mostly those that I could really use in my life to support me and be here for me while I am traveling a very lonely and hard journey. I realize to a lot of people-being pregnant is not a big dramatic event, but I assure you-after being through what we have, having all of the support of everyone in our life is really important to me. I haven't had that by a few select people in my life and it really has weight heavily on my heart. I guess somehow, I have alw...