Life After

I'm learning everyday how to use my "sensor" when it comes to blurting out how I feel. Well, I say I am learning how to use it, but somedays it seems that I can't FIND the sensor. I am more or less in this blog expressing MY feelings like I always I do....Pretty uncensored for the most part-so if you're not interested in a little negative irritation-please cease reading! =) I had every reason to have a fantastic weekend-and really, I did have a great one for the most part. We started out working the fall festival @ the boys school which wound up being a HUGE success-more so than I expected. Cris and I put a lot of work into our part of it that I commited to. We had great family helping with the kids, mom came & participated in the festivities by running a booth for Thirty One-my childhood friend came & ran a booth too and I got to spend all day with Cris, doing stuff for the kids. Birthday parties and then off to a "date night" to celebrate my ...

Several Subjects #1 Apparently things haven't changed in 10 years since highschool. More people did NOT attend from our class than those that DID attend. Those that didn't go that I've talked to-basically solidified the same reasons I did not go. #2-I have a sick child-Nothing sucks more in the middle of the weak than a kid that is sick-Especially when there is absolutely nothing you can do & you feel already volnuerable to every single sneeze, cough or sniffle after being through what I've been through #3-on a slightly fun note-I am getting very excited about Disney #4 and on a back to the "stress" of my daily life conversation-yesterday was 4 months since Ian & Owen were born. Four VERY long, horrible months. No one can ever understand the emptiness I feel every single day. No one else carried them, learned their routines, learned their likes and dislikes and learned everything about them that I did in 5 months. I know you're probably thi...

**warning-lots of bitterness** So, tonight is our 10 year high school reunion..Guess who isn't there?? Originally, we decided not to go because the twins were due just a few weeks after the reunion so we knew with twins, they would be early (not QUIT as early as they chose to come) but we knew that we would not feel up to being social if they were already here or just about here. How sad it is that after the twins were born, we still felt that we wouldn't feel like being social yet? I had no desire to spend an uncomfortable evening around people that KNOW about the twins and stumbled over their words as they TRIED to talk to us. I also had no desire to spend the evening around people that know about thw twins but simply don't care. There were only a handful of people that we graduated with that I actually knew well enough to call friends and I still talk to those people-no need to go to a reunion to see other parts of the graduating class I didn't really know. Much ...

I haven't been to the graveside in a week..... I think I am back in the numb stage. I can go through my daily routine and function on a pretty basic level I think. Others around me MAY not agree. =) Tomorrow night is our 10 year high school reunion. We aren't going. We weren't planning on going because I was due so close to time that we didn't want to pay $100 for the tickets and not go. But now that we've burried our children, I have even LESS desire to go. So many people that we graduated with are starting their families now or are currently awaiting their 1st child. As much as I TRY to be selfless....I can't. I am super excited for ALL of them & the excitement they are all experiencing, but I don't feel like being happy. I don't feel like I can be THAT friend. I heard a story today about a girl we went to school with-and some problems she has with her 3rd son. I feel so heartbroken for she & her husband and all THREE of their children. I h...

Just a little note-Things haven't really changed or progressed in any way over the past couple of days. Cris and I are both kind of on auto pilot-We  are consumedwith helping Ms. Jasmine get back to health and concentrating on our upcoming trip to Disney. We've not slowed down enough to even put 3 weeks worth of laundry away. It's sad that instead of putting it away-we just pile it up & wear it from the piles of clean clothes-hanging stuff up is over-rated, right? We've gotten terrible about really CLEANING right now-I mean, our house is clean, but It's more "spot" cleaning-that's all we have time for. I mopped the kitchen the other day-but it needs it again already-I vacuum every OTHER day b/c of the dog hair-but usually during the work week-wherever things get set down, is where they stay. Those that know me, know I normally can't stand that-but over the years/months recently-I've stopped caring so much about the "stuff".  I d...

I guess I took another break from writing for a few days. The blog has felt a little less “important” to me over the last week or so because we’ve been so busy with SO many different things. To start on a good note-Isaac’s soccer team went to a tournament this weekend and was undefeated, placing 1 st in the tourney. Such a proud mommy weekend-even though I did have to yell to him a few times to act like he wanted to play! He’s such a great soccer player-and our expectations of him on and off the field have always been so high-but he never disappoints us! He’s such a spectacular kid-so good @ sports, good in school and a great friend to others. Caleb is the polar opposite of Isaac in personality-and is a little more like me. Caleb is great @ sports too because he can’t stand/sit still so he’s constantly moving on the field (This was not like me). But, he has a inability to keep his attention focused for more than 5 seconds in class b/c once you’ve heard it once, you got it-and want to...

Well... I had great intentions today for remembrance day....I bought balloons to blow up & release tonight in honor of Ian & Owen, and I made plans to go visit the graveside for awhile. I also made plans to light 2 candles in their honor tonight. Guess what...I couldn't do any of it. I wore my "mommy of angels" bracelet and my "mommy of twin angels" t-shirt today-but I could not bring myself to do the other tasks. Most of you know, we got a new puppy last night that we will be fostering until she's in adoptable health and can go to a good home. I thought for SURE this would be an easy transition. It hasn't been. Jasmine is in a little more rough of a shape as expected. She is such a wonderful dog, but subconsiously...I feel like it's really hard to "take care of" another person/human/animal-because I just do'nt feel that I am capable. She's a wonderful puppy and we're loving her-and she's going to make a great ...

So, I made it through the day....I know many of you were wondering.... Well, I made it to 8:08pm anyway! I have to say-some of tonights distraction actually makes me laugh the more I think about it-because i discovered in a conversation with my 9 year old that "mega" is a word that is back in the vocabulary for 9 year olds. I also discovered that (try and keep up, it gets confusing) Isaacs OLD girlfriend and Isaacs BEST friend were going out-and Isaac started liking someone new. He told another friend he likes this new girl, and his friend blabbed to everyone. Isaac wasn't mad though. Everyone wound up telling this new girl-and she's very shy, so I don't know how she feels about this news. The best friend is OK with Isaac liking said NEW girl (because he used to go out w/ the new girl, but now goes out w/ the old girl). BUT, now the new girl broke up w/ the best friend b/c she likes Isaac again. I told you-try to keep up. Now, imagine this ALL IN ONE BREATH! Th...

So, tomorrow is the 13th-the day that I thought I was going to deliver. I would be 36 weeks today...which is a huge milestone with twins. I said if i make it to 36 weeks, i'd be satisfied if they came early. The date I dreamt about the entire first 20 weeks of the pregnancy was Oct 13th. Naturally, tomorrow is going to suck! Not that every other day doesn't suck-but tomorrow will be emotional for me. Every Wednesday is emotional because it marks another milestone week. I guess this is part of the process though. =( I posted a link on my facebook page-that I highly recommend reading if you'd like a better look @ what I am going through-along with all of the other mothers that have or are currently experiencing a loss. Instead of possibly delivering my babies tomorrow, I will be out buying balloons and flowers to for Ian & Owen for remembrance day on Saturday. Isaac has soccer games, but we have every intention if releasing balloons with Ian & Owen's name and ...

It's official... Greif causes severe memory loss. In the last 3 days, I have noticed a lot of memory problems. I forgot my moms & step dads anniversary, I forgot to pay 3 important bills, I forgot to call customers, I forgot to do things I told them I'd do, and I forgot to complete an obligation that I commited to. So, I can assure you, amoung the many other things that greif causes, memory loss is one of them. Those other many things that I have noticed include- Lack of energy & motivation. Lacking the ability to be joyful about situations I should really be joyful about. Complete & Utter distraction in all aspects of my life. My main issue is, people just don't understand. I realize I have a lot on my plate right now-but that's not what is causing all of this. My mind is distracted and wrapped around this situation in my life-and it irriates me that people make that part of my life so much less than it is. My life revolves around my family and m...

I am choosing to acknowledge today that God is on the other side of this road. The book I am reading is an encouraging book on faith and walking with faith through this lonely winding road of loss. I am not saying I am no longer angry with God, but I will acknowledge his presence in some of this situation. I am still angry that the Christian people in my life (some of them) have been the farthest from this situation. THe ones I really expected to be still checking in, especially not seeing us in weeks, haven't even sent a short e-mail, text, letter or anything making sure we're still treading water. That has really dissapointed me and has resonated deep in my heart why I have been so skeptical in the 1st place. But today, I will choose to put that biterness aside, and realize God has to at some point be the center of my faith-or lack of faith-or whatever I am doing right now. I do'nt want anyone to feel sorry for us-but I do want people to acknowledge Ian & Owen-I'...

I've mentioned in previous blogs a book that I've been reading. I took a little break from reading it the same time I took a break from writing. I think I took a break from FEELING in general. There are some excerpts from the book that I read today-while sitting in my Ian & Owen chairs with the windows open while the kids played outside and Cris did whatever it was outside he was doing. "None of us greives the same way, and one of the best things we can do is give ourselves permission to live that out" " I have found that there are people in my life I don't feel comfortable being myself around. Not because they are not great people, but because I feel an obligation to befriend them in a way I am no longer capable of.  They need more of me than I can give" "when I feel like hiding in my room, and hiding from the world, I start to get depressed & the resentment sinks in. Picking yourself up and going about your life as if it's all a ...

I live a different life now. Today-I just want my babies! I said from day 1-that Ian & Owen were going to be born early. The date that kept coming in my mind is Oct. 13th. I don't know why, but that was the date that I had in mind. When we got to the soccer field this morning, I found myself thinking in my mind that if things were like they should be, I would be either waddling down the field unable to really move, or I would be pushing a stroller of my new babies down to watch their big brothers play soccer.  Either way, it took my breath away to snap back into reality and remember that I get neither of those things. Today, I just want to hold my babies. I just want to show them off to friends and family and I want to just have my babies. That's all I really have to say. I am making a great effort to put on a great face today-But I feel very alone. 1 week from today, We will sit beside our angel babies and put flowers on their grave. We will release balloons in hon...

Todays blog is a simple one, that will make perfect since to my other "moms of loss" I was able to sit down today & unsubscribe to all of the email groups like motherhood maternity, gerber, babycenter & many others I'd been getting daily emails from. I guess I finally got tired of being reminded that I'm not pregnant anymore. =/ After doing this, I was able to sit down & drown my sorrows in a shared blizzard with Cris. I know, sounds rediculous, but it was very hard to sit & do this as part of my will miss the babycenter.com updates-It was too much though, especially as I near my due date. So many of the other moms in the November twin group, have gone into labor this week. In 4 days, I"ve read 7 wonderful birth stories of beautiful, big, healthy full term twin births. After reading the 7th today, I decided it was doing me no good to read them. I'm not even sure why I tortured myself. I sure wish everyone understood how I feel. I wish ...

" I am a mother of twins, what’s your superpower?" I love this funny line. I saw it on t-shirts & bumper stickers when I was pregnant with Ian & Owen. Cris and I (more so Cris) would look up funny onsies for twins…. and this funny line was always somewhere in the mix. We had found several little t-shirts we wanted to get the boys when they were here. Who knows-maybe one day God will bless us with twins again (one can dream, right?) I’ve learned a lot about grief in the last 4 months. 1: Everyone deals with it differently. This is kind of cliché because of course, everyone deals with every situation differently than someone else. That’s the beauty of being human. You are allowed to grieve in whatever way you need or want to. I’ve learned to accept that I am not the same person that I was before June 24 th . I’ve learned that I care a lot less about what people think of how I am dealing with things or how people perceive me, because I know my strengths, ...

I am taking (have been taking) a little break from the blogging for a few days. I needed to sit back & just have a few days.....a few days of bottling it all in and a few days of distracting myself. This weekend was the perfect opportunity because I am was participating in my best friends wedding. I was the Maid (Or Matron??) of honor. Whichever it is when you're married. Of course, this was a happy distraction-Lots of family and friend time, lots of great food, socializing and made a few new friends. I am proud of myself however. I did have a little milestone during this entire process. Friday night @ the rehearsal dinner, I was a little uncomfortable around one of the bridal parties spouses that is pregnant. I know her mind you, and I knew she was pregnant and knew she was going to be there,but it was still very hard for me as we were due @ the same time. I also realize this weekend is and was not about me-it was about Brandi. I kept my mouth shut and I focused on the thing...