Where do I even begin??
I feel like I am walking around in this life trying to constantly escape the black cloud of bad luck that is following me/us.
Not only am I emotionally dealing with the stressors caused in this life, but now I get to deal with a kidney stone that is going to kill me before it comes out of me.
I really can't do much anymore but laugh. I made the comment to a few people that whomever has the voodu doll on me, could really stop with the needles now because I think they've had their fair share of laughs @ my expense in the last year.
Things are starting to get really busy with baseball season, the end of school & vacations coming up. It's hard to find the TIME to sit back & reflect on everything going on around me. Although it's always on the forefront of my mind, I haven't sat down much to really reflect on and embrace the new normal.
We were immediately thrust into dealing with a personal situation once we got out of the hospital with Maddox. It isn't a bad situation, but something that required many hours of intense persistance and diligence. We are coming to an end with this chapter of our lives, in which I will rejoice in as many ways as I can when we are done.
It's really bothered me lately, as I said before, that I cant have more kids. We are coming up on Caleb's 7th birthday. This is particularly is difficult for me, because for the 1st year of my childrens birthdays, I have in my mind that this is the LAST 7th Birthday we will share with our children. Of course it's the last one with Caleb, but it's the last 7th birthday PERIOD as far as children in our family are concerned. This is really bittersweet to me.
It's been extremely hard for me to be "merry" for those around me experiencing all of lifes wonderful things.
I guess the question becomes, how is it fair for me to condemn those who are merry although I hurt, but I do not feel inspired to share others' happiness because I am in pain? Are there not two sides to every coin?
I think it requires a bit of selflessness to experience with others one side of the coin when you live on the other side. Since I'm full of thoughts right now, I'll share another. I also think I as a hurting parent experience a sense of entitlement because of the enormity of my loss. My loss is so huge that I expect to be excused from others' merry-making. I'm not so sure that God excuses me though. I'm still His ambassadorsof Light and shine I must! I must fight against the need to hibernate while others are experiencing greatness.
That shall be easier said than done though!
I need to find something to 'shine' in. I need to find something to take up my time & help others. I'm not really sure I'm ready to talk about my situation with others going through it-because I don't know that I can be a positive influence for them. I feel that @ this time, I would be more like the "things don't get better right away" person, and I know this is not what a greiving mother neesd to hear. I need to find something that I am passionate about again, that I can look forward to doing and loving. I feel that my life is now defined by losing my sons. While I am perfectly OK with that, because there is nothing in this lifetime more valuable to me than my 5 children, It just feels like a burden sometimes when I KNOW that people only know me as "that mom that lost the babies".
While I do make note in this blog about being an ambassador to the Lord, I am still very angry. I haven't gone to church again since the 1 sunday a few weeks ago that we tried a new service. I guess I am not so much angry as I am ignoring "God" right now. I still express my gratitude for the great things in my life-but I find it hard to trust with all of my heart because this black cloud continues to follow me.
I feel like I am walking around in this life trying to constantly escape the black cloud of bad luck that is following me/us.
Not only am I emotionally dealing with the stressors caused in this life, but now I get to deal with a kidney stone that is going to kill me before it comes out of me.
I really can't do much anymore but laugh. I made the comment to a few people that whomever has the voodu doll on me, could really stop with the needles now because I think they've had their fair share of laughs @ my expense in the last year.
Things are starting to get really busy with baseball season, the end of school & vacations coming up. It's hard to find the TIME to sit back & reflect on everything going on around me. Although it's always on the forefront of my mind, I haven't sat down much to really reflect on and embrace the new normal.
We were immediately thrust into dealing with a personal situation once we got out of the hospital with Maddox. It isn't a bad situation, but something that required many hours of intense persistance and diligence. We are coming to an end with this chapter of our lives, in which I will rejoice in as many ways as I can when we are done.
It's really bothered me lately, as I said before, that I cant have more kids. We are coming up on Caleb's 7th birthday. This is particularly is difficult for me, because for the 1st year of my childrens birthdays, I have in my mind that this is the LAST 7th Birthday we will share with our children. Of course it's the last one with Caleb, but it's the last 7th birthday PERIOD as far as children in our family are concerned. This is really bittersweet to me.
It's been extremely hard for me to be "merry" for those around me experiencing all of lifes wonderful things.
I guess the question becomes, how is it fair for me to condemn those who are merry although I hurt, but I do not feel inspired to share others' happiness because I am in pain? Are there not two sides to every coin?
I think it requires a bit of selflessness to experience with others one side of the coin when you live on the other side. Since I'm full of thoughts right now, I'll share another. I also think I as a hurting parent experience a sense of entitlement because of the enormity of my loss. My loss is so huge that I expect to be excused from others' merry-making. I'm not so sure that God excuses me though. I'm still His ambassadorsof Light and shine I must! I must fight against the need to hibernate while others are experiencing greatness.
That shall be easier said than done though!
I need to find something to 'shine' in. I need to find something to take up my time & help others. I'm not really sure I'm ready to talk about my situation with others going through it-because I don't know that I can be a positive influence for them. I feel that @ this time, I would be more like the "things don't get better right away" person, and I know this is not what a greiving mother neesd to hear. I need to find something that I am passionate about again, that I can look forward to doing and loving. I feel that my life is now defined by losing my sons. While I am perfectly OK with that, because there is nothing in this lifetime more valuable to me than my 5 children, It just feels like a burden sometimes when I KNOW that people only know me as "that mom that lost the babies".
While I do make note in this blog about being an ambassador to the Lord, I am still very angry. I haven't gone to church again since the 1 sunday a few weeks ago that we tried a new service. I guess I am not so much angry as I am ignoring "God" right now. I still express my gratitude for the great things in my life-but I find it hard to trust with all of my heart because this black cloud continues to follow me.
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