I am an emotional wreck.
I am an absolute tearfilled angry mess.
I have no explination for this-at all!
Other than the obvious EVERYTHING I normally talk about-
I sat through a green light TWICE on the way home-because I was day dreaming about the boys. I got this ever so raw feeling inside of my soul that reduced me to tears. I could feel them in my arms.
I did not hold a baby in between the twins and Maddox and I have not held a baby since Maddox. I get extreme anxiety even thinking about holding an infant.
So, let's move on!
My heart broke for a dear friend tonight, having some horrible experiences with friends and co-workers who complain about being pregnant....my heart just breaks to hear people unhappy with their children, unhappy with how they are feeling when pregnant. It hurts me to see adults treating their children like they are nothing. It bothers me to observe parents that think of only themselves and not the best interest of their child (ren).
Today was a decent day as far as how I "FEEL", but tonight, for whatever reason, I've had my babies on my mind.
I got a phone call from a customer today @ work-just calling to let me know he loves me, and hopes I am OK-and that he thinks of me everyday. How special that was to hear-coming from someone I've never met face to face-lives many miles from me and really does not know me. But, I speak to him daily just about, and his words meant so much. HE did not forget-when people so close to me seem to forget-HE did not forget. It felt great, even though it made the memory fresh in my mind, it was nice to know Ian, Owen and Maddox are being thought of.
I have pondered the "You are strong" comment so much lately.
I am NOT strong, I am a mother. I am a mother who loves her children more than herself. I am a mother that will FOREVER be a mother 1st, a wife second, a daughter/daughter in law 3rd, friend 4th and self....way down the list. I am among a special group of woman-called moms. I seem strong, BECAUSE I am a mother and I love my sons. I am not emotionally strong. I keep going, I keep writing, I keep laying it out on the line, because it's important. I hope to one day look back on this blog and remember with a smile. I will never forget obviously. But I hope that one day, Isaac and Caleb can read this and understand what was going on when their brothers were born. I hope this can some how, some day help them.
So, while you might think I am strong, please know, that in my car when I am alone, I cry. When I am taking a shower in the morning before everyone is awake, I cry. When I am writing this blog, I cry. When I am sitting here watching TV, I cry (less often than the others).
I explained to a friend earlier at work today-that I have lost the "emotional" side of myself. I don't have the ability to be OK or NOT OK anymore. I can go through a laundry list of things that are wrong right now, and then end it with "but I am ok". I can also go through a list of things that are going right, and not have excited emotion about it. I feel numb every day. I've just learned how to go through life, seemingly normal, as to not distrupt others lives, as much as possible. I love that everyone allows me to be NOT ok though-When co-workers/friends call me-they EXPECT me to tell them I am not OK and they listen to me, and never expect me to tell them things are wonderful-because they know they aren't. I appreciate that. I appreciate the ability to be "real"
ONe of these days, I will have good news to share, and hopefully get the excited part of my emotional make-up back-But until then, Thanks for allowing me to be real with my life-and for making my life, part of yours.
I am an absolute tearfilled angry mess.
I have no explination for this-at all!
Other than the obvious EVERYTHING I normally talk about-
I sat through a green light TWICE on the way home-because I was day dreaming about the boys. I got this ever so raw feeling inside of my soul that reduced me to tears. I could feel them in my arms.
I did not hold a baby in between the twins and Maddox and I have not held a baby since Maddox. I get extreme anxiety even thinking about holding an infant.
So, let's move on!
My heart broke for a dear friend tonight, having some horrible experiences with friends and co-workers who complain about being pregnant....my heart just breaks to hear people unhappy with their children, unhappy with how they are feeling when pregnant. It hurts me to see adults treating their children like they are nothing. It bothers me to observe parents that think of only themselves and not the best interest of their child (ren).
Today was a decent day as far as how I "FEEL", but tonight, for whatever reason, I've had my babies on my mind.
I got a phone call from a customer today @ work-just calling to let me know he loves me, and hopes I am OK-and that he thinks of me everyday. How special that was to hear-coming from someone I've never met face to face-lives many miles from me and really does not know me. But, I speak to him daily just about, and his words meant so much. HE did not forget-when people so close to me seem to forget-HE did not forget. It felt great, even though it made the memory fresh in my mind, it was nice to know Ian, Owen and Maddox are being thought of.
I have pondered the "You are strong" comment so much lately.
I am NOT strong, I am a mother. I am a mother who loves her children more than herself. I am a mother that will FOREVER be a mother 1st, a wife second, a daughter/daughter in law 3rd, friend 4th and self....way down the list. I am among a special group of woman-called moms. I seem strong, BECAUSE I am a mother and I love my sons. I am not emotionally strong. I keep going, I keep writing, I keep laying it out on the line, because it's important. I hope to one day look back on this blog and remember with a smile. I will never forget obviously. But I hope that one day, Isaac and Caleb can read this and understand what was going on when their brothers were born. I hope this can some how, some day help them.
So, while you might think I am strong, please know, that in my car when I am alone, I cry. When I am taking a shower in the morning before everyone is awake, I cry. When I am writing this blog, I cry. When I am sitting here watching TV, I cry (less often than the others).
I explained to a friend earlier at work today-that I have lost the "emotional" side of myself. I don't have the ability to be OK or NOT OK anymore. I can go through a laundry list of things that are wrong right now, and then end it with "but I am ok". I can also go through a list of things that are going right, and not have excited emotion about it. I feel numb every day. I've just learned how to go through life, seemingly normal, as to not distrupt others lives, as much as possible. I love that everyone allows me to be NOT ok though-When co-workers/friends call me-they EXPECT me to tell them I am not OK and they listen to me, and never expect me to tell them things are wonderful-because they know they aren't. I appreciate that. I appreciate the ability to be "real"
ONe of these days, I will have good news to share, and hopefully get the excited part of my emotional make-up back-But until then, Thanks for allowing me to be real with my life-and for making my life, part of yours.
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