A Mother always knows.
You hear that often, and it seems likes an old wives tale.
I believe it's true though-because I am one of those mothers that always seems to know.
Now, I do not mean that I KNOW everything, because that is the FARTHEST thing from the truth. However, I know important details and things deep down in my heart.
This has been on my mind lately, and as things have really been emotional for me here in the last few weeks, I felt the need for this entry to be in my blog.
I'm not really sure if I ever wrote exactly what happened with Maddox. We went to the hospital on Feb 19th because I was bleeding. In my heart, I knew on SATURDAY the 18th that something was wrong. The 18th was my birthday and I had a weekend full of activities with my wonderful family. One of those activities involved swimming. I felt exhausted, more so than normal after being in the water. Even though that was a "Safe" activity for 20 weeks pregnant.
The next day I was so tired I didn't leave my chair. I knew that day something wasn't right-I simply had no energy. Then, to later start bleeding, it sealed it for me.
When we heard the doctor say that I was in active labor again, It didn't hit me like a ton of bricks like it did when Dr. Farber told us that I was in labor with the twins. My world completely stopped then. I think this time, it was different, because my world had not started to spin again yet. I still to this day can't tell you if it was because I was numb STILL from the death of Ian & Owen, or if their death made me stronger so that it was easier this time to hear the truth.
On Wendesday the 22nd (this was my sisters birthday)-the door to my room was a revolving door. I was finally taken out of a "transition" room and put into a hospital long term stay type of room. I was able to sleep for about 2 hours that day and see lots of visitors. I was also able to really get up and move around some. When the last visitor had left, I looked @ Cris and I told him that I felt like we were close to the end. He had gone home during the day to get a shower, rest and work a little bit. This was the day I was able to have my melt down and come to grips with the reality that I was very close to delivering yet another son that I will only get to hold alive for a few short minutes, if even that.
I'm still angry that no one knew about the infections or was leary of it after the twins. I am still angry that everyone kept telling me "Oh this one is just fine, things are going just fine". No one knows for sure. No one KNEW for sure. I did know, deep down in my heart that this pregnancy was NOT ok. I knew it from day the moment I knew I was pregnant.
A mother knows. A mother always knows...
I just wish in this case, I knew less....I wish I knew less about what this feels like.
We had a major milestone this week-As many of you know about. We were able to finally close a chapter in our life book that desperately needed to be closed. The bad thing is though, I've not been able to full enjoy how great this is-because I have this horrible burden that something/someone is missing.
Maybe one day-there will be overhwelming joy!
You hear that often, and it seems likes an old wives tale.
I believe it's true though-because I am one of those mothers that always seems to know.
Now, I do not mean that I KNOW everything, because that is the FARTHEST thing from the truth. However, I know important details and things deep down in my heart.
This has been on my mind lately, and as things have really been emotional for me here in the last few weeks, I felt the need for this entry to be in my blog.
I'm not really sure if I ever wrote exactly what happened with Maddox. We went to the hospital on Feb 19th because I was bleeding. In my heart, I knew on SATURDAY the 18th that something was wrong. The 18th was my birthday and I had a weekend full of activities with my wonderful family. One of those activities involved swimming. I felt exhausted, more so than normal after being in the water. Even though that was a "Safe" activity for 20 weeks pregnant.
The next day I was so tired I didn't leave my chair. I knew that day something wasn't right-I simply had no energy. Then, to later start bleeding, it sealed it for me.
When we heard the doctor say that I was in active labor again, It didn't hit me like a ton of bricks like it did when Dr. Farber told us that I was in labor with the twins. My world completely stopped then. I think this time, it was different, because my world had not started to spin again yet. I still to this day can't tell you if it was because I was numb STILL from the death of Ian & Owen, or if their death made me stronger so that it was easier this time to hear the truth.
On Wendesday the 22nd (this was my sisters birthday)-the door to my room was a revolving door. I was finally taken out of a "transition" room and put into a hospital long term stay type of room. I was able to sleep for about 2 hours that day and see lots of visitors. I was also able to really get up and move around some. When the last visitor had left, I looked @ Cris and I told him that I felt like we were close to the end. He had gone home during the day to get a shower, rest and work a little bit. This was the day I was able to have my melt down and come to grips with the reality that I was very close to delivering yet another son that I will only get to hold alive for a few short minutes, if even that.
I'm still angry that no one knew about the infections or was leary of it after the twins. I am still angry that everyone kept telling me "Oh this one is just fine, things are going just fine". No one knows for sure. No one KNEW for sure. I did know, deep down in my heart that this pregnancy was NOT ok. I knew it from day the moment I knew I was pregnant.
A mother knows. A mother always knows...
I just wish in this case, I knew less....I wish I knew less about what this feels like.
We had a major milestone this week-As many of you know about. We were able to finally close a chapter in our life book that desperately needed to be closed. The bad thing is though, I've not been able to full enjoy how great this is-because I have this horrible burden that something/someone is missing.
Maybe one day-there will be overhwelming joy!
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