rutt!!!
BIG FAT RUTT!
That's about all I can think of to describe the last few days or so. I don't know if its hormones, or just insane emotions...I think this was about the time frame after the twins died, that I started writing this blog. I want to say I started it about 2 months after. If that's the case, then I guess I am just experiencing the stupid raw emotion again.
The smallest most STUPID things are bothering me.
I have so many wonderful people in my life pouring out their hearts and prayers over us, and asking if they can be of any service to us, to reach out. God I wish I knew how to do that. I would absolutely love to give up some of this hurt, anger, resentment, punishment and hatred to anyone else, for just 5 minutes. Not that I EVER EVER would wish it on anyone, but to have someone take that burden from me for just 5 minutes....Ahh, there are no words. PLEASE before you message me and tell me that God will take my burden, please think twice and don't tell me that. I love you for loving me, and I love you for reminding me that God is there, but at this very second in my life, that is NOT what I need or want to hear. PLEASE do not take this as a personal attack on you, I am just begging you to not say those words to me right now, as my heart is not ready to hear that. Right now, this is MY burden to carry, for whatever reason. I can't explain why I feel that, but I know in my heart there is a reason I am continuing to experience this journey.
I thought I was doing so well this time around. I've even commented to several people that this time was "easier" because I knew what to expect. I am being shown and proven that every loss is different and every emotion that was felt the 1st time around, isn't exactly the same this time. Some are a little easier to swallow, and some are a little harder.
I swore in the hospital before Maddox was even born that I did NOT want to have another funeral. Emotionally that was too hard for me with Ian & Owen. IT took so much effort to sit and not cry and to not show emotion infront of our family & friends and I just didn't feel like this time around, I could be as strong. So, for this reason, I decided NO service and no burial. Going to the graveside right now is SO HARD for me, and I didn't want to have 3 reasons to go.
For that reason, we decided together that having Maddox cremated would be the best thing for us. I can't even sit here and write this without crying because that is probably the stupidest decision I've ever made and one that I think I will regret for the REST of my life. I knew it from the moment I picked up his 2x2 box of ashes at the funeral home. The only way I can explain how I feel is that I feel like I failed him by not keeping his soul "whole" if that makes sense. Subcontiously, I know that the twins bodies were buried in the ground, so when I said goodbye to them, they were whole human beings. I know this sounds morbid, but I feel awful for not giving that to Maddox. That box is not my son. It is a 2x2 white box with about a pinch of ashes in it. It is not whole, it is broken. I have really struggled with this lately-the last few days especially. I feel so much unresolved regret from making that decision. It's almost like we didn't give him as much as we did his brothers as far as our time and energy. Like we took a quicker or easier route this time and I feel terrible for it now. It's one of those decisions you can NEVER take back. If you are someone that has to make that decision for someone else, or for a loved one, please think it through-think about how you will feel about that decision 5-10 or 12 years later.
I am thankful for Cris today-It was quit a chore for him this morning, but he forced me out of bed and MADE me go to the gym. Not because he was being mean-although I really really felt differently earlier...But because he knew if i layed there, I would spend another day laying in bed crying. He gave me my "mean" day yesterday-and took it and left me alone about it-but today he decided I was getting up and I was getting over it. I am thankful for that in a way, because I would have done exactly that-layed there all day & did nothing and then would have really been upset w/ myself later for doing nothing at all.
Thank you all for your prayers and concerns, I love reading the notes you send and can't ever tell you how thankful that I am for you all. I know that my world is focused on what's circling around my head right now and I appreciate you all letting me live in my selfish world for a little while.
BIG FAT RUTT!
That's about all I can think of to describe the last few days or so. I don't know if its hormones, or just insane emotions...I think this was about the time frame after the twins died, that I started writing this blog. I want to say I started it about 2 months after. If that's the case, then I guess I am just experiencing the stupid raw emotion again.
The smallest most STUPID things are bothering me.
I have so many wonderful people in my life pouring out their hearts and prayers over us, and asking if they can be of any service to us, to reach out. God I wish I knew how to do that. I would absolutely love to give up some of this hurt, anger, resentment, punishment and hatred to anyone else, for just 5 minutes. Not that I EVER EVER would wish it on anyone, but to have someone take that burden from me for just 5 minutes....Ahh, there are no words. PLEASE before you message me and tell me that God will take my burden, please think twice and don't tell me that. I love you for loving me, and I love you for reminding me that God is there, but at this very second in my life, that is NOT what I need or want to hear. PLEASE do not take this as a personal attack on you, I am just begging you to not say those words to me right now, as my heart is not ready to hear that. Right now, this is MY burden to carry, for whatever reason. I can't explain why I feel that, but I know in my heart there is a reason I am continuing to experience this journey.
I thought I was doing so well this time around. I've even commented to several people that this time was "easier" because I knew what to expect. I am being shown and proven that every loss is different and every emotion that was felt the 1st time around, isn't exactly the same this time. Some are a little easier to swallow, and some are a little harder.
I swore in the hospital before Maddox was even born that I did NOT want to have another funeral. Emotionally that was too hard for me with Ian & Owen. IT took so much effort to sit and not cry and to not show emotion infront of our family & friends and I just didn't feel like this time around, I could be as strong. So, for this reason, I decided NO service and no burial. Going to the graveside right now is SO HARD for me, and I didn't want to have 3 reasons to go.
For that reason, we decided together that having Maddox cremated would be the best thing for us. I can't even sit here and write this without crying because that is probably the stupidest decision I've ever made and one that I think I will regret for the REST of my life. I knew it from the moment I picked up his 2x2 box of ashes at the funeral home. The only way I can explain how I feel is that I feel like I failed him by not keeping his soul "whole" if that makes sense. Subcontiously, I know that the twins bodies were buried in the ground, so when I said goodbye to them, they were whole human beings. I know this sounds morbid, but I feel awful for not giving that to Maddox. That box is not my son. It is a 2x2 white box with about a pinch of ashes in it. It is not whole, it is broken. I have really struggled with this lately-the last few days especially. I feel so much unresolved regret from making that decision. It's almost like we didn't give him as much as we did his brothers as far as our time and energy. Like we took a quicker or easier route this time and I feel terrible for it now. It's one of those decisions you can NEVER take back. If you are someone that has to make that decision for someone else, or for a loved one, please think it through-think about how you will feel about that decision 5-10 or 12 years later.
I am thankful for Cris today-It was quit a chore for him this morning, but he forced me out of bed and MADE me go to the gym. Not because he was being mean-although I really really felt differently earlier...But because he knew if i layed there, I would spend another day laying in bed crying. He gave me my "mean" day yesterday-and took it and left me alone about it-but today he decided I was getting up and I was getting over it. I am thankful for that in a way, because I would have done exactly that-layed there all day & did nothing and then would have really been upset w/ myself later for doing nothing at all.
Thank you all for your prayers and concerns, I love reading the notes you send and can't ever tell you how thankful that I am for you all. I know that my world is focused on what's circling around my head right now and I appreciate you all letting me live in my selfish world for a little while.
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