Loyalties & forgetfulness

Oh Pain, OH MISERABLE pain!

We are in month 4 of 2012, and I have visited the hospital Emergency Room 3 of the 4 months-and twice already in April (one was NOT for me however). You'd think I would have special VIP treatment there by now! =)

For those of you that don't know, I went to the ER last Friday with what I already knew were kidney stones. We are almost a week into this, and it has not passed. I had a urology appointment yesterday and it appears the 5MM stone that the ER Radiologist saw has moved into my bladder (God help me if it hadn't, after all of the pain and nausea I had over the weekend). However, there is something in my kidney that she isn't sure of. Since the one is ready to pass, I have to go back on Monday for another xray of my kidney. IF that is another stone, I will be having surgery on Tuesday to make it pass. Oh what fun! I can't tell you how excited I am to possibly have to go back to the hospital and get MORE bruises since for some reason, no one can ever stick me.

Feel the sarcasm?

I got the opportunity to talk with a friend last night-that I really enjoyed talking to. We went to the same high school, but she is a few years older than me so I did not really KNOW her in school. However, we have sons the same age that play ball together. I was able to sit with her & be very candid and honest with her last night @ the baseball field. It was really nice to be able to talk to someone not directly related to the loss of the boys. She herself had struggled with her births, so she was able to relate to my feelings about some things. For the first time last night, I finally said outloud that I laugh a little each time someone thanks me for being honest about my feelings. I am so happy that people read this blog and I can only HOPE that someone, somewhere can take something away from this that will maybe change their views on infant loss, or will help them cope and deal with what they are going through.

It is impossible for me to preach to someone the rights and wrongs of dealing with a loss so great as losing a child. Everyone is different, and everyone goes through stages. With the twins, I followed along the normal path of loss I believe. I denied, I was angry, I was unable to be controlled...and then I was "healing". When we lost Maddox, I became so much more bitter. I've lost the desire to really "overdue" things. I would normally go out of my way to do things. I used to be the "sweet, nice person" that suddenly now is very angry, hard to get along with and constantly exhausted. That is the new me. Everyone keeps saying "when will you get your break?" Gosh, I wish I knew how to answer that-but honestly, as all of these events keep happening...it just makes me believe that THIS is my life now. This is it...this is what it was meant to be, supossed to be. I am enduring these things for some reason. I am enduring something no one should need to, and I hope to come out of it gracefully on the other side. It certainly is taking a lot of time and will continue to take time in order for us to heal.

Everyday, I think of my babies. Every single day, I feel like I deserve to be able to tell my story to someone. No one will ever understand what I am internally battling. No one. I (for the most part) enjoy talking about the boys. I appreciate those in my life that allow me to do that without feeling like I am a morbid person for talking about my dead children. The worst mistake people make is ignoring that it ever happened or purposefully avoiding the subject. Sometimes it's nice to know that my boys are remembered. I respect that people assume that I don't want to talk about it, but it's nice to know that my children are not forgotten. This is my story-my 5 children are who I am. I don't want my sons to be overlooked in conversations, or for people NOT to know my story-When I meet new people, I want them to know about it. Not for sympathy or the "i'm sorry's". I want people to know ME, who I am, what I've dealt with & what makes me..ME. My kids are what makes me ME. Burying 3 of my 5 children is what makes me ME. Talking about it makes it hard sometimes, but it also brings me a sense of peace and comfort. So, while I may not have a lot to say in my blogs currently, I appreciate the ability to put it out there, I appreciate the space to talk about my sons.

If things hadn't happened the way they were, Ian & Owen would be about 5 months old right now. Yesterday marked 10 months since my boys were born. It has been 10 months since my boys died. This time 10 months ago, my world was completely upside down. I had so many emotions that I didn't even know existed. I looked through some of my ultrasound pictures yesterday to give myself a few minutes to remember my boys on their 10 months. We have one where both of the twins are waving. It made me sit and cry. Their beautiful little hands, feet and faces. My heart hurts knowing they were perfect little boys and there was nothing that I could do to save them. They were on target with weight, growth and everything else. To no fault of their own, their lives were to end shortly after that ultrasound. My heart is broken, shattered really.....We are coming up on 1 year and I am so anxious about how my emotions will be in just 2 short months.