So, Quick Recap for New(er) readers....
I am angry with God.
Yep, that sums it up!
Long & Short of my reasoning you ask?? Let's see...2 personal issues that i am not yet willing to discuss in a personal forum and the of course the death of 3 sons in 8 months.
I've not been proud of the way I've handled everything in regards to my Christian beliefs. I was raised to believe that once a believer, always a believer. Not that I don't believe, because that's not even in question through all of this. I absolutely believe in God and believe in his death so that I may have life. No, my issue is with direct ANGER as to why a God so powerful and mighty would allow such a horrible sacrifice in my heart. Someone told me after the twins died that "Give it to God, he understands, he watched his own son die too". I can see where that statement COULD upset a mother who had just lost her child. I don't remember being upset about the comment, but it HAS stuck with me. God DID watch his son die, God ALLOWED his son to die so that we may have life. God KNOWS the pain in my heart 1st hand, God understands my sorrow. THat part I get. What I don't understand is WHY would God allow one of his "beloved" to feel the same torture & pain. My sons did not die to save someones sins. My sons did not die so that someone else may have life. So, my anger is simply in the fact that I don't understand the WHY part of the problem. God allowed me personally to deal with this. He is allowing my family to continue the struggle. There have been many conversations between Cris and I recently about how differently we are handling things this time around. However, we realize we have some added stress this time around too!
Here is the point to this blog-I made a BIG step today-
I went to Church.
Yes, you read that correctly. I went to Church. I took the boys & we went to church. Cris unfortunately had to work, or he would have been happily by my side. He has been very understanding & supportive of my reasons to avoid our church in the last 9 months.
However, it was not our former church that we went to. We tried a new church. Something VERY different than anything I've ever been to. A service VERY different than your traditional southern baptist service that I am accustomed to. Mostly because it was NOT a Southern Baptist church.
It was a lot more praise music than I was used to. Our previous church did a lot of music in my opinion but this was even more than that. I knew that being Easter Sunday it was going to be a sermon on the ressurrection. Knowing that, I guess I didn't go in expecting that God was going to speak volumes to me. He's obviously spoken enough because he got me back inside of church doors. 1/2 way through the service though, I was geniunly dissapointed because I found myself so distracted by the difference in worship and the desire for something to hit me out of thin air that I started to feel like it was a wasted "try". I wasn't getting anything out of what was being said. It was a recap of what Easter Sunday was. Well, I know what Easter Sunday is, I grew up in church. I grew up with the birth, death and ressurection of Jesus Christ being shoved in my face. NOt that it being shoved in my face was a bad thing, I am just making the point that I get it, I understand it, and I didn't NEED a recap this morning. I need something stronger. I needed something MAJOR. I needed God to just take all of this from me and make it all OK again. I needed something....and i felt like I was getting nothing. I felt like I expected WAY too much out of the effort in going to church-and then I got mad at myself for feeling that it took EFFORT to go to church on EASTER of all SUndays.
I did great....Until the end.
The preacher made some valid points during his sermon that made me stop & says "huh", but then it passed and that was that. Almost to the end of his preaching, he told a story about a mother. One that had burried 3 of her 4 children (close to Easter) from some kind of awful viral illness. At that point, I felt a punch in the stomach-a really hard, take your breath away, sick to the stomach kind of punch. He went on to say (and I might get this wrong, because I got very emotional and I think I tuned out for a second) that this mom & dad had burried the 3rd child the week before Easter Sunday and on Easter Sunday, they were at church, teaching sunday school & Praising the lord, just as they had done every Sunday previous. I THINK after this, he was talking about their strength, their courage & their complete faith in God. Yes to answer the question in your mind, I was a complete basket case @ this point but was fortunate enough to have a friend on my right grab my hand and a friend on the left make sure I was ok also. I didn't really feel like he was talking to ME-but hearing the story of another mother who has burried 3 children, spoke VOLUMES directly to me. She obviously a definately more devote Christian than myself, because she was able to be in service teaching & praising God just days after burying her 3rd child. Me however, it has taken 9 months from the 1st loss of 2 to even desire to step foot inside of church walls. My heart is very bitter, but I pray for the strength, courage, and descipleship this woman (and her husband) had.
Will I go back? Im not sure. The service was a very non traditional service that I am not used to. I am not sure that Cris would be comfortable there. The boys loved their childrens program. I would LIKE to go back, because I feel there is something I can obtain from a normal service, that isn't geared to Easter. We will see what part of the "story" this piece will fit....
I am angry with God.
Yep, that sums it up!
Long & Short of my reasoning you ask?? Let's see...2 personal issues that i am not yet willing to discuss in a personal forum and the of course the death of 3 sons in 8 months.
I've not been proud of the way I've handled everything in regards to my Christian beliefs. I was raised to believe that once a believer, always a believer. Not that I don't believe, because that's not even in question through all of this. I absolutely believe in God and believe in his death so that I may have life. No, my issue is with direct ANGER as to why a God so powerful and mighty would allow such a horrible sacrifice in my heart. Someone told me after the twins died that "Give it to God, he understands, he watched his own son die too". I can see where that statement COULD upset a mother who had just lost her child. I don't remember being upset about the comment, but it HAS stuck with me. God DID watch his son die, God ALLOWED his son to die so that we may have life. God KNOWS the pain in my heart 1st hand, God understands my sorrow. THat part I get. What I don't understand is WHY would God allow one of his "beloved" to feel the same torture & pain. My sons did not die to save someones sins. My sons did not die so that someone else may have life. So, my anger is simply in the fact that I don't understand the WHY part of the problem. God allowed me personally to deal with this. He is allowing my family to continue the struggle. There have been many conversations between Cris and I recently about how differently we are handling things this time around. However, we realize we have some added stress this time around too!
Here is the point to this blog-I made a BIG step today-
I went to Church.
Yes, you read that correctly. I went to Church. I took the boys & we went to church. Cris unfortunately had to work, or he would have been happily by my side. He has been very understanding & supportive of my reasons to avoid our church in the last 9 months.
However, it was not our former church that we went to. We tried a new church. Something VERY different than anything I've ever been to. A service VERY different than your traditional southern baptist service that I am accustomed to. Mostly because it was NOT a Southern Baptist church.
It was a lot more praise music than I was used to. Our previous church did a lot of music in my opinion but this was even more than that. I knew that being Easter Sunday it was going to be a sermon on the ressurrection. Knowing that, I guess I didn't go in expecting that God was going to speak volumes to me. He's obviously spoken enough because he got me back inside of church doors. 1/2 way through the service though, I was geniunly dissapointed because I found myself so distracted by the difference in worship and the desire for something to hit me out of thin air that I started to feel like it was a wasted "try". I wasn't getting anything out of what was being said. It was a recap of what Easter Sunday was. Well, I know what Easter Sunday is, I grew up in church. I grew up with the birth, death and ressurection of Jesus Christ being shoved in my face. NOt that it being shoved in my face was a bad thing, I am just making the point that I get it, I understand it, and I didn't NEED a recap this morning. I need something stronger. I needed something MAJOR. I needed God to just take all of this from me and make it all OK again. I needed something....and i felt like I was getting nothing. I felt like I expected WAY too much out of the effort in going to church-and then I got mad at myself for feeling that it took EFFORT to go to church on EASTER of all SUndays.
I did great....Until the end.
The preacher made some valid points during his sermon that made me stop & says "huh", but then it passed and that was that. Almost to the end of his preaching, he told a story about a mother. One that had burried 3 of her 4 children (close to Easter) from some kind of awful viral illness. At that point, I felt a punch in the stomach-a really hard, take your breath away, sick to the stomach kind of punch. He went on to say (and I might get this wrong, because I got very emotional and I think I tuned out for a second) that this mom & dad had burried the 3rd child the week before Easter Sunday and on Easter Sunday, they were at church, teaching sunday school & Praising the lord, just as they had done every Sunday previous. I THINK after this, he was talking about their strength, their courage & their complete faith in God. Yes to answer the question in your mind, I was a complete basket case @ this point but was fortunate enough to have a friend on my right grab my hand and a friend on the left make sure I was ok also. I didn't really feel like he was talking to ME-but hearing the story of another mother who has burried 3 children, spoke VOLUMES directly to me. She obviously a definately more devote Christian than myself, because she was able to be in service teaching & praising God just days after burying her 3rd child. Me however, it has taken 9 months from the 1st loss of 2 to even desire to step foot inside of church walls. My heart is very bitter, but I pray for the strength, courage, and descipleship this woman (and her husband) had.
Will I go back? Im not sure. The service was a very non traditional service that I am not used to. I am not sure that Cris would be comfortable there. The boys loved their childrens program. I would LIKE to go back, because I feel there is something I can obtain from a normal service, that isn't geared to Easter. We will see what part of the "story" this piece will fit....
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