I got lost today-
I got lost in 2 hours of Anger on the Elliptical @ the gym. When we get so busy living life, it's easy to let things just creap into our lives. Anger is one of those things for me. My brain has been all over the place in the last 9 months. I can't focus on things like I used to. I don't see things the same way.
Today was supossed to be a day where we heard some solutions to a few of those "open ended" situations I talked about previously. Well, the day came & went, and just like so many other days in the last 9 months, it felt like a complete & total epic failure of a day.
I am getting used to the fact that I want things to happen so much quicker than they are going to. I want answers yesterday for things that haven't happened yet. I want closure to things that I can't control. I'm finding it really hard to feel such a loss of control. For me, I lost the ability to control situations the moment Ian & Owen were born.
Back to my being lost. Aerosmith got the best of me today during my workout and before I knew it, I was on the highest settings of the machine and basically doing everything but running. I had @ some point closed my eyes and had gotten lost in my anger and my bitterness. Before I knew it-almost 2 hours and 5 miles had passed by. So many scenarios went through my mind during that time. I kept feeling the 3 baby rings hit me because I don't take them off and I remembered why I was doing what I was doing. By the time I was done and got to the van, I was reduced to tears. I gave myself about 5 minutes in the car to regain my composure and move on with my day.
It made me feel a little more human by having my meltdown. I have been beating myself up lately because I've made myself focus on so many other things, that I haven't given myself the chance to cry or have emotions about my sons. I have felt awful because I haven't been able to emotionally connect to the loss lately. Ive been very congnicent of the loss itself, but I haven't been emotionally connected to it. I have been carrying around so much guilt because I haven't allowed myself to get to the point where I feel I should be in the greif process.
You know when you see on the shows like "the biggest loser" or others, when people work to better themselves, they also find an ugly side of themselves they had purposely put aside? That's how I've felt this week. While I've been working hard and digging deep to lose the weight I want to lose and get healthier, I've also gotten back to the raw nature I felt right after the twins.
I got lost in 2 hours of Anger on the Elliptical @ the gym. When we get so busy living life, it's easy to let things just creap into our lives. Anger is one of those things for me. My brain has been all over the place in the last 9 months. I can't focus on things like I used to. I don't see things the same way.
Today was supossed to be a day where we heard some solutions to a few of those "open ended" situations I talked about previously. Well, the day came & went, and just like so many other days in the last 9 months, it felt like a complete & total epic failure of a day.
I am getting used to the fact that I want things to happen so much quicker than they are going to. I want answers yesterday for things that haven't happened yet. I want closure to things that I can't control. I'm finding it really hard to feel such a loss of control. For me, I lost the ability to control situations the moment Ian & Owen were born.
Back to my being lost. Aerosmith got the best of me today during my workout and before I knew it, I was on the highest settings of the machine and basically doing everything but running. I had @ some point closed my eyes and had gotten lost in my anger and my bitterness. Before I knew it-almost 2 hours and 5 miles had passed by. So many scenarios went through my mind during that time. I kept feeling the 3 baby rings hit me because I don't take them off and I remembered why I was doing what I was doing. By the time I was done and got to the van, I was reduced to tears. I gave myself about 5 minutes in the car to regain my composure and move on with my day.
It made me feel a little more human by having my meltdown. I have been beating myself up lately because I've made myself focus on so many other things, that I haven't given myself the chance to cry or have emotions about my sons. I have felt awful because I haven't been able to emotionally connect to the loss lately. Ive been very congnicent of the loss itself, but I haven't been emotionally connected to it. I have been carrying around so much guilt because I haven't allowed myself to get to the point where I feel I should be in the greif process.
You know when you see on the shows like "the biggest loser" or others, when people work to better themselves, they also find an ugly side of themselves they had purposely put aside? That's how I've felt this week. While I've been working hard and digging deep to lose the weight I want to lose and get healthier, I've also gotten back to the raw nature I felt right after the twins.
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