Life After

“I’m tired, I’m worn….My heart is heavy…From the work it takes….to keep on breathing”   Oh how true that song is and how many days it has blessed my heart. Normally, I would be an open book. It has been a few weeks/month(s) maybe since I’ve had a blog entry. Some things that I am struggling with aren’t “blog worthy” right now…because they are very private and intimate worries in my life. They are things that I am not ready to share, not ready to put on paper.   In my mind I believe putting it on paper will make it real. There are a lot of things I am not ready to admit, not ready to face & not ready to share. I know you all respect that. SO, while my ramblings PROBABLY will not make a ton of sense…remember, this is my “healing space”-not my “explain it space”. So, just go with me here…all details will surface in time, I am sure of it!   Every day I am learning more and more about myself.         ...

OK, here goes….Big shocker for you……   You ready??   I.WENT.TO.CHURCH.   Yep, you read it correctly….BUT, hang on before you start smiling and getting all happy.   I stepped as far as about 15 steps inside of a sanctuary for the sake of my 8 year old son who attended Vacation Bible School this week.   I picked him up each night, and purposely went about 10 minutes earlier than I needed to, so I could watch the ending program each night. I remember growing up in church, and having Vacation Bible School and performing the songs @ the end of the night and discussing what was learned.   I also remember taking up the offering each night, and competing classroom against classroom, or boys vs. girls. I was flooded with memories and flooded with excitement to watch my tiny child be such a little performer on the stage. I’ve never seen him more “in” his element than he is when he is on that stage. I am swallowing a HUGE piece of pride ...

My jumbled mess     In 34 days, we will be “celebrating” the birth and death of my first angel babies: Ian Maddox and Owen Jaxon. The closer we get to this day, the more I feel my chest tighten, and my blood pressure rise. This blog was started as a way for me to cope, and a way for me to try and begin a healing process that I am now convinced just isn’t even a valid process. There is absolutely truth in one fact that I have learned in the last 2 years. Everyone.grieves.differently. I am not sure if this blog has helped me or has made things harder for me. There are so many times, I start to blog, and I stop myself midway through a page, because the things I have said are so personal, or so hurtful to others, that I stop writing and hit delete. I’ve never been faced with such a situation in my entire life like I have in the past 2 years, over and over again. Most of the time, the words that are jumbled up in my head, never seem to make it on paper. I’m not ev...

There sure have been a lot of twists and turns in the last 10 years! I have spent some time, going through my old blog posts and reading a lot of the bitterness and anger that is associated with grief, more specifially, associated with my grief. I still despise the saying "everything happens for a reason". While I don't think there is or was a good reason to kiss my angels goodbye-I do appreciate the strength and lessons I have learned along the way. I am thankful for the events that led up to losing the twins, as those things made me stronger and more aware of the important things in life. Those events prepared to the best degree possible to stand strong and to take my lessons like an adult, in whatever manor they are given. I don't understand the point of losing my sons-but I do understand parts of the lesson it was to teach me, and those around me. I've leaned humility, forgiveness, understanding and SOME patience. I'm not a fogiving person It...

Life is FULL.   Full of ups   Full of downs   It has been nearly 2 years since Ian and Owen were born.   It has been nearly 2 years since Ian and Owen died.   It’s been 13 months almost since Maddox was born and died.   There are so many steps in the grieving process that one doesn’t even know until faced with the situation.   Many will read my Facebook posts, or see me out and ask how I am. My responses are not always based on my grief for my sons.   My response is based upon the grief for my family. The grief in my heart and the sadness of the situations adulthood has brought to me. Not only the situation of facing death, but also the sting and the emotional sadness brought to our family as a result. Not that I am advocating religion, because I am still very bitter an angry over how God could continue to throw things in my face and lay things in front of me that I simply can’t understand, but I do...

Tomorrow, I turn 30.... This time last year...when I was turning 29 (and I was more OK about celebrating)...I was scared, timid and on edge. This year, I have more constants than I had before. During my "30th" year.....I will gain a new niece. I will gain a new "nephew" from my Best friend. BUt let's face it...he will be mine =). I will watch my little sweet pea grow another year older and graduate elementary school. I will watch him take his 1st steps into middle school and into a huge world he doesn't yet know is waiting for him. I will watch my tiny child develop into a young man and learn so many new things.... But while i am watching all of this, my heart will always remember and wonder what Ian, Owen and Maddox would be doing on earth. Life is forever changing. THe best advice I can give MYSELF this year, is to live life in the present. If i do this, I am hoping that it will make me more prepared for the future, when it gets here..... I am so ...

I absolutely believe that “you only see what you want to see and hear what you want to hear”.   I am finding that to be truer the older I get. (I thought that should say more and more true, but apparently, truer is a word and it corrected me, so there you go).   I understand that to some, me turning 30 is nothing because 30 is still young. I agree, relatively, it really is. However, in the world I am living in; 30 is the new 90! That’s how I feel anyway!   I never would have believed you when I was 15 years old that you would tell me #1-that I would ever be 30, and #2-that my life would have been so full in so many ways.   Full of wonderful memories and things to be cherished   Full of worry, stress, sweat and tears   Full of angel wings and broken heart strings   Full of disappointment & betrayal   Full of empty promises and trials   Full of childhood spirit and proud mommy moment...

We had a "not really snow yet snow day" on Friday! The county where we live closed schools because it was calling for snow. I am thankful that they did because infact it did snow. However, my thankfulness comes more in the way that I got to spend some special time with my boys. We started our morning with a pedicure *yes, a pedicure for my BOYS*-don't judge me! Then we went to Chuck-e-cheese for 2-3 hours until I felt it was best we leave to get home safetly. I know you're still stuck on the pedicure part....so let me explain. Last year (or year before), Caleb went with me one time because we were out running errands, I wanted a pedicure, I had my son, he wanted one, he got one. Well....lo and behold, the child loved it and couldn't get enough. He talked it up so much to Isaac that he then wanted one. So, I took him! It then became just a "thing we do". Do they color? You know you are thinking it... Why yes, yes they do! Caleb is way more excentric th...

“Adulthood is where dreams go to die”.   True or False?   This has been a big deal for me this week. Those 7 small words have really impacted my entire week. They have impacted my thought process; they have filled my mind and soul with questions and thought provoked conversations.   How this statement applies to my life:             I had big dreams. Dreams to play @ Juilliard. I had dreams to teach music at the high school or college level. My dreams died. However, in this death of a dream, came a true and wonderful miracle later to be named Isaac. My big dreams died, but when they did, new big dreams were born. After my initial shock of Isaacs arrival wore off, I longed for the big family, the perfectly manicured lawn, the freshly painted home and the always well behaved kids. Boy did that dream ALSO Die. My lawn is a mess. My house was freshly painted for about 3 days until we officially move...

I am GLAD Christmas is over!!!!   Not that I don’t appreciate the Holidays and especially what Christmas is ACTUALLY supposed to be all about. But the stress and the emptiness that has come along with it as an adult, I could do without each year!   For me, The Holidays have changed a lot and I am not a big fan of CHANGE! =)   Everyone gets older, traditions get fewer & the emptiness found is most people’s eyes around this time of year are disheartening. I think if I learned anything over this past season, it is that change sucks, but as we get older, change is necessary. There is always room for new traditions even though saying goodbye to the old ones is hard. I’ve had a control issue ever since the twins were born and died because I felt that is the point in my life where I lost control over situations and over my body, my mind, my emotions and my surroundings. I realize in hindsight (as so many of my friends continue to point out), that I ulti...