“Adulthood
is where dreams go to die”.
True
or False?
This
has been a big deal for me this week. Those 7 small words have really impacted
my entire week. They have impacted my thought process; they have filled my mind
and soul with questions and thought provoked conversations.
How
this statement applies to my life:
I had big dreams. Dreams to play @
Juilliard. I had dreams to teach music at the high school or college level. My
dreams died. However, in this death of a dream, came a true and wonderful
miracle later to be named Isaac. My big dreams died, but when they did, new big
dreams were born. After my initial shock of Isaacs arrival wore off, I longed
for the big family, the perfectly manicured lawn, the freshly painted home and
the always well behaved kids. Boy did that dream ALSO Die. My lawn is a mess.
My house was freshly painted for about 3 days until we officially moved INTO it
and my “always well behaved kids” are more like “well behaved starving pissed
off monkeys”. IN the midst of this dream, I was thrown several curve balls. In
2007 the opportunity presented itself for our little well-adjusted family to
uproot our entire lives and become the most dysfunctional non-adjusted family
there was. Of course, had I known that would turn out that way, it may not have
been an “opportunity” we jumped so quickly to? However, we jumped, and when we
fell, we kept on falling! It wasn’t long after we bought a house in a big city
we knew nothing about (mistake #1), We began to get the kids enrolled in what
we thought were excellent schools (mistake #2). Afterschool care was atrocious.
Caleb’s daycare was insane and should be shut down because they are mentally
abusive to children. At least to MY child…..and the house we bought slowly
started to fall apart. Our well-adjusted children became the exact opposite right
before our eyes. When we thought we were doing the right thing for our family,
we were way off the mark. It helped our marriage at this point in our lives
because we had no one to lean on but each other. So, while the door slammed
shut on our good decision, the door slung wide open on our relationship and our
dependability on our marriage and each other. There seems to be a trend with
the good and bad flip side.
I
came home from work one day to a flooded downstairs of our home! Something in
the copper lines to the freezer broke and the pump kept running and water
spewed all over the downstairs of our house. Over 1200sq feet of hardwood
flooring and carpet were RUINED along with most of the bottom parts of our
kitchen cabinets, some furniture, etc. After about 5 weeks of huge Servepro
fans and contractors in our house, we were all fixed back up. That was such a
stressful point for us, but it was pivotal as well as we later found out in the
“selling” of our house.
One
night while coming back from picking up our boys ½ way between Roanoke and
Richmond (they had spent the week with their grandparents in Roanoke), We
apparently needed a jolt according to someone. A nice big yellow dump truck ran
his stop sign at full speed and hit up. (The running joke is that Cris tried to
kill me) because the only option we had was to turn the car INTO the dump truck
to keep from going underneath of it and possibly killing all of us. My side of
the car took the impact mostly, but the entire thing was a sardine can by the
end of the accident. All 4 of us got out of my little Chevy impala with a few
bruises and scratches and a lifelong memory/nightmare that will never leave. It
was at this point that we decided, we were ready to move back home.
To
make it short-we put the house on the market, it didn’t sell (the market had
crashed at this point) we put a renter in it (to be nice about it and not say
what I really want, we had to do many repairs when she left), we tried to sell
again, no luck! We did eventually sell, but we were one of those that had to
make the difficult decision to sell for WAY less than we bought it for. Ho-hum!
HOWEVER, a good to that is, we were able to get rid of it after 3 years of
trying and that closed a big chapter in our lives.
While
all of this was going on, I was receiving my dream of a big family! I was
blessed with Ian & Owen. Of course, because of this blog, you all know how
this went. Then, the same thing happened @ the same gestation with Maddox. My BIG DREAMS, died, right there with my 3
sons. Since that point, I have had a really difficult time getting my positive
big dreams to resurface.
I
can assure you in the past 19 months, I have been on an emotional roller
coaster. A journey no one wants to be a part of. A horrible nightmare that
never seems to end. There as has very little sunlight shining through all of
the dark clouds and fog. There have been good days, don’t get me wrong, but the
bad days FAR outweigh the good ones anymore.
There
is an extreme disconnect in my marriage. There is an extreme disconnect in my
ability as a mother. There is an extreme disconnect in my relationship with
family members and friends.
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