Here is to 2013

I am GLAD Christmas is over!!!!

 

Not that I don’t appreciate the Holidays and especially what Christmas is ACTUALLY supposed to be all about. But the stress and the emptiness that has come along with it as an adult, I could do without each year!

 

For me, The Holidays have changed a lot and I am not a big fan of CHANGE! =)

 

Everyone gets older, traditions get fewer & the emptiness found is most people’s eyes around this time of year are disheartening. I think if I learned anything over this past season, it is that change sucks, but as we get older, change is necessary. There is always room for new traditions even though saying goodbye to the old ones is hard. I’ve had a control issue ever since the twins were born and died because I felt that is the point in my life where I lost control over situations and over my body, my mind, my emotions and my surroundings. I realize in hindsight (as so many of my friends continue to point out), that I ultimately am not in control and don’t NEED to be in control-that is Gods job.

 

HOWEVER, this post isn’t going to be a religious one. It’s going to be one about all of the changes, all of the eye openers, and all of the healing that has taken place only to be filled with more brokenness and trials.

 

I can’t remember who it was when I was younger that said this to me. I want to say it was a youth pastor I had growing up in my old church that I no longer attend. He said to me:

 

“There is no such thing as a problem, Only an Opportunity.”

 

How true is that? If we could all just sit back and forget the “problems” and look instead of the opportunities positive or negative that could come from the situation.

 

I will go first! =)

YES, I lost Ian & Owen. While it completely devastated me and gave me very little hope in ever having another child, it did allow me to start this blog and it did allow me to be able to support others that have gone through, or are going through this same thing.

 

YES, I lost Maddox….Which I later came to understand meant that my body can no longer handle a pregnancy. This because the focus of my attention for months until I realized, there was also so much good that came out it. A LONG time ago, I prayed and asked God for a big family. I wanted nothing MORE than to have lots of kids! I got my wish, I had 5 of them. Even though I don’t get to RAISE all 5 of them, I was blessed with the 2 that I was meant to be blessed with here on earth.

 

I was given the gift of so many friends that I didn’t even know existed through the loss of Ian, Owen and Maddox. I have a great friend and support system in OHIO and while I’ve never met her, our hearts are joined in this club of infant mortality. I have become close to friends locally that I hadn’t seen or heard from in years and didn’t know well until recently. I have become close to friends at work that reached out and were supportive to me when they didn’t even know me because we later learned we shared the motherhood bond with angel babies. Many miracles have come from my loss. Many smiles have come from my heartbreak, and for that….I need to be grateful.

 

My trials are far from over. As many know that have experienced loss of any kind…the grieving process is hard. It’s difficult on everyone involved. Some make it through it and some don’t. Some are strong enough to endure the tribulations, and some just can’t face the day. I have seen BOTH sides. I am able to get up and face the music everyday mostly because of the friends, family and support that I have. I can’t sit here and tell you that it doesn’t affect relationships because it does. When 2 people grieve over the same thing at different times there becomes a whole slew of difficult times. People change, People are different and people say things and do things they later regret during their healing process. We ALL do them, not just a few. I have certainly said and done things that I now wish I wouldn’t have. I know my husband feels the same. Our family probably would also say they have thought, felt, or said/done things they wish they hadn’t during this process. It’s part of it. It’s part of healing and its part of devastation.

 

I have to trust that there is a reason that my life has taken the turn that it has. I’ve made it this far for a reason. I’ve made it this far for a purpose. To either be involved in someone else’s life, to encourage someone else, to be there for them during their heartache, or to be walked on like a door mat. I am not sure yet what that purpose is. BUT, I have to be ok with it, whatever it is. Everyone wants one thing out of life. Everyone wants their life to be remembered positively and with purpose. While I have cried many tears over my life and over my situation, I am grateful that I am here to cry those tears and that I am here to discuss this trials and the triumph with my friends.

Here is to 2013!!!! I sure hope it’s better than 2012. I hope that hearts can heal and old wounds can become manageable scars. I hope that words can be said in a positive way and that everyone involved in this current circle of my life can mend the brokenness. I desire to show love and to be loved. I desire to respect others and have others respect me. I hope for clear thinking and pure hearts and I hope to restoration of belief!

 

Come on 2013, don’t let me down.