Loyalties & forgetfulness

“I’m tired, I’m worn….My heart is heavy…From the work it takes….to keep on breathing”

 

Oh how true that song is and how many days it has blessed my heart.

Normally, I would be an open book. It has been a few weeks/month(s) maybe since I’ve had a blog entry. Some things that I am struggling with aren’t “blog worthy” right now…because they are very private and intimate worries in my life. They are things that I am not ready to share, not ready to put on paper.

 

In my mind I believe putting it on paper will make it real. There are a lot of things I am not ready to admit, not ready to face & not ready to share. I know you all respect that. SO, while my ramblings PROBABLY will not make a ton of sense…remember, this is my “healing space”-not my “explain it space”. So, just go with me here…all details will surface in time, I am sure of it!

 

Every day I am learning more and more about myself.

                For example, there is one trait I now know about myself that I don’t like. But I haven’t figured out yet how to control it.

                ANGER!  My choices out of anger are usually in words that I can’t take back to people I don’t want to hurt. However I find myself quite often trying to justify my pain and anger with the words I am saying, only to realize it makes me no better than the person I am hurting. I’ve made a lot of choices out of bitterness. I’ve made a lot of decisions out of anger. Something I should really work on.

 

I’m also learning that I do not deal well with rejection, pain & embarrassment. I have felt the unworthiness, the loneliness, the pain, and the sadness along with a million other emotions in the last 10 months. Really if you want to be technical, the sadness and the emptiness started when Ian and Owen died. I’m not sure that part of my heart has ever or will ever be complete. Then, I got to experience the loss of Maddox. Now, I am experiencing a loss of a completely different sort. A loss of family, of comfort, of normalcy, and of routine. Not only did I lose my children, I’ve somehow lost myself, and in turn, am losing pieces of my family….

 

Here is one thing I do know for sure now. FAMILY (friends like family) will NOT always be there. I’ve guarded my heart enough now to know, that sometimes, doing and saying nothing is so much more hurtful than saying the wrong thing.  I have learned that “I’m always there for you” means –when I feel like it. NOT when you need it. You can’t possibly know when someone is crying out for help if you don’t ever ask. You also can’t possibly be a support system when you refuse to support and help when ASKED to support and help. Oh I could go so many directions with this, but I simply won’t…because again-Going back to anger…There will be many words I may later regret…and I don’t want to regret any more parts of my life. I’ve been there, done that too many times over right now.

I also now remember why music was SUCH a big part of my life. I’ve had ONE song that has really been my spirit lifter over the course of the last few months. “Worn” by tenth avenue north. I highly recommend you listen.  The words are simply amazing. They are a testimony to ANYONE who has been through any types of struggles in their life. Be it a death, a personal battle, marital problems, commitments, anything really. It’s a phenomenal song that will touch every facet of your heartstrings. Even if you aren’t into Christian music-I urge you to listen, and HEAR the words. LISTEN to the song. If it doesn’t touch you in some form or fashion, then I guess you should be praising God more than you do anything else, because that simply means your life is pretty dang amazing!

 

I am learning more about myself everyday as an adult then I ever thought I would growing up. I am not 100% satisfied with who I am as an adult. But I am also so grateful that the situations I have been faced with, have forced me to BE this person. I am struggling right now with a lot of self-worth issues. I feel some days that I have been tossed to the side because of my relationships and the decisions that others make that are affecting my future.  More days than no, I feel nothing more than defeated. I feel that I need to protect others feelings or that I need to “fix” things I know are wrong. I haven’t been able to find the balance to fix anything yet. My emotions are still so very much on my sleeve. I thought I had become a stronger person, but I think outwardly, I still appear to be so very weak.

 

I feel trapped & stuck in a place that is no longer positive for me. I need a clear vision, and fresh mind. I need to remember that I cannot control other behavior. I also cannot change things that have already happened!

Believe me, I want to, I really do. But I think things get to a point in our lives, where the damage is too far out of control. The choices continue to be the wrong ones, behavior becomes viral and self-destructive, and we just have to step back, put our hands up, take a leap of faith and walk away.  My MIND is in that place…but my heart is taking a little longer. By choosing this path, I struggle with the fear of the unknown. I feel like making this choice, means I give up. But I guess sometimes…giving up is what has to happen to move forward.