My Jumbled Mess!

My jumbled mess

 

 

In 34 days, we will be “celebrating” the birth and death of my first angel babies: Ian Maddox and Owen Jaxon. The closer we get to this day, the more I feel my chest tighten, and my blood pressure rise.

This blog was started as a way for me to cope, and a way for me to try and begin a healing process that I am now convinced just isn’t even a valid process. There is absolutely truth in one fact that I have learned in the last 2 years. Everyone.grieves.differently.

I am not sure if this blog has helped me or has made things harder for me. There are so many times, I start to blog, and I stop myself midway through a page, because the things I have said are so personal, or so hurtful to others, that I stop writing and hit delete. I’ve never been faced with such a situation in my entire life like I have in the past 2 years, over and over again. Most of the time, the words that are jumbled up in my head, never seem to make it on paper. I’m not even really sure what true strength is all about. Is it maintaining self-control long enough to get through 8-10 hours a day? If that’s the case, then I am strong. Is it breaking down and crying when nothing else seems to work? If so, then I am strong. I don’t feel as if either of those is the case, I feel weaker now as a person, as a mother and as a human being then I think I ever imagined possible. I was told “it will take a year or so of self-loathing before you figure out it’s time to buckle up and take the ride and move on”.  Well, is that a year form when they died, a year from when Maddox died, or a year from when my family fell apart?

 

Some days, all I want to do is hibernate. I’ve lost the ability to even answer “ I am fine” to the simple question “How are you”. The answer is almost always now “terrible”. I can’t help it. I can’t even hide it anymore. I don’t want to hide it. I am mourning so much more than the lives of my 3 children. I am mourning that I am not capable of being the kind of mother I want my kids to have right now. I am mourning my ability to be what my parents hoped I would be. They provided the perfect life for my sister and I growing up, with clear, direct paths that our lives should take. I grew up with such a strong assurance in God, and that his love and direction would be all I would need forever. I feel horrible even saying this out loud, but I feel as if God failed me. Everything my parents ever taught me growing up, feels like it was out the window when my sons died (From a faith standpoint). I am mourning that I have lost so much of myself, that I don’t even recognize what I see in the mirror. I mourn the loss of my family unit, as we all 4 have grieved in such a way, and that we have changed who we are and what we stand for. I mourn my inability to be a good wife, to be a reliable friend, or to be an uplifting spirit that I once felt that I was. I mourn that all of the things that have been thrown in my face…..are probably somehow well warranted from earlier years. I mourn that my entire life, seems to be a revolving door that I just can’t get out of. There seems to be no deeper hidden meaning, or reason for why things continue to happen. I am grateful for a wonderful job. I am grateful for the wonderful friends in my life, both new, and childhood friends. I am thankful for the families that my friends are starting, for the new love that is blooming among friends and loved ones. I am so incredibly gracious and overwhelmed with joy in my 2 living sons.  Isaac has shown such grace and maturity, and is turning into such an amazing little man. Caleb will always be Caleb. He will always be the source of smiles, and the constant entertainment that distracts me from my woven web of disappointment. They are both such wonderful boys that give me great pride. I just feel that my permanent reality is that this will never end. Ever.

 

(don’t read this section if you are currently reading The Choice by Nicolas Sparks, or if you want to read it but haven’t yet)

I just finished reading a book by Nicolas Sparks called “the choice”. By reading the back cover, I thought for sure, this book would be about the choice someone had to make in the name of love between 2 people he or she loved deeply. Reading the 1^st half of the book was an amazing love story about how 2 souls met, how they connected, how they instantly knew that this love was real, and how their lives progressed from that point. I know, it’s a fairy tale, that there are very few people in this world that truly feel their souls connect with someone, and it stays that way for the entirety of their marriage, be it 30 years or 100. Life is hard, it throws curve balls, and at some point, I believe that you stop living for love, and start living for yourself. I believe so many things happen, and so much changes, that you begin to love yourself, more than you love others. In this book, Travis Parker falls deeply in love with a woman he just met. She was in a long relationship that had her town between true love and comfort. She chose Travis, and he spent his entire life making sure she never regrets that choice. In the end, he had to choose to end her life (which was her choice), or keep her alive with the hope that his deep love for her soul, would wake her up from a coma (after a tragic car accident). Just a few days after making his choice to believe in their true love and it’s healing powers, she woke, and they lived happily ever after-

 

Where is the happy in real life? Where are morals, where are consequences and where is healing?

I want to scream so loudly some days to anyone and everyone that will hear it. Those that judge me, or my family when they nothing that we have endured and at those that judge my children when they have no idea what it is like to live in their minds. I have been disgusted at the amount of ugliness lies in “adults” anymore. I know I am not a perfect parent- (see a few paragraphs above, I know I am not currently the mother that my children need), but my children are encouraged to be themselves. They are encouraged to be different, to experience the good and the bad of each day. They are taught (trying to teach anyway) the virtues of patience, kindness, and loyalty. That bring to mind my favorite verse. (One of them). The fruits of the spirit are Love, Joy peace and patience, Kindness goodness faithfulness gentleness and self-control. I think we have mastered about 3 of the 9 , but we are still working on it.

 

I urge everyone, stop judging others. I have been guilty of this too, believe me. I have been guilty of judging others morals, of their loyalty and of their family values. I have learned in my experiences, that you never truly know what someone is going thru. You may THINK you know, but you don’t. Be uplifting to children, by uplifting to each OTHER. Be uplifting to your spouse, your partner, your friends, your children, your children’s friends, people you may not like…be uplifting. Be gracious, be humble, be friendly.

 

See what I mean about a circle? This entire blog is just a jumbled mess of my inner thoughts. I’m not sure why there is no purpose to the events and the time-lines. I’m not sure why some people are chosen to endure situations, and others don’t. I guess we each fight our own personal battle. But, for those of you that has asked, and have checked in on me, I am still kicking. Well, partially kicking. I get up, I do what I have to do and I go back to bed. Thanks for checking in, Thanks for reading my mess of thoughts-Thanks for showing your concern, and supporting my kids and my family.