I absolutely believe that “you only see what you want to see and hear what you want to hear”.

 

I am finding that to be truer the older I get. (I thought that should say more and more true, but apparently, truer is a word and it corrected me, so there you go).

 

I understand that to some, me turning 30 is nothing because 30 is still young. I agree, relatively, it really is. However, in the world I am living in; 30 is the new 90! That’s how I feel anyway!

 

I never would have believed you when I was 15 years old that you would tell me #1-that I would ever be 30, and #2-that my life would have been so full in so many ways.

 

Full of wonderful memories and things to be cherished

 

Full of worry, stress, sweat and tears

 

Full of angel wings and broken heart strings

 

Full of disappointment & betrayal

 

Full of empty promises and trials

 

Full of childhood spirit and proud mommy moments

 

Full of confusion and complete clarity

 

There are many blessings to be cherished in my 29.98 years….( I am refusing to get to the 30.00 mark, I just am)

 

There have been many lessons learned unwillingly through disappointment and broken spirits. I think that’s really the only way to learn a true lesson in your soul. To live it, breathe it and walk it daily until the purpose is ever so evident in your entire life that you can’t hide from it anymore. I have hit the wall on many occasions while waiting on the “lesson” to be learned. I have done nothing since I was 28 but walk in circles. I’m up and then I’m down, I get kicked over and over and over while I’m done and then I get back up just to be kicked back down a few notches again. I can’t complain: My life is far better than most. My life is far fuller of richness and love than most people can dream of. It’s easy to take advantage of it or forget that it’s there when you are so wrapped up in your own stuff.

 

Getting back to my original point:

My life has given me so many twists and turns since June 24th 2011 (probably even before that, but before that was the BEFORE Ian and Owen time frame that I just don’t refer to much anymore). My life has been full of support, love, emotions, heart aches, tears, pain, sweetness, blessings and nightmares. I’ve learned lessons I don’t think anyone should have to learn. I’ve woken up in sweats having nightmares about things no one should ever have cross their minds. I have held sons as their hearts have stopped beating. I have been lied to, betrayed and disappointed. I have been broken; I have been glued back together and then broken again many times. There are pieces of my heart that no one has seen. People see my life and just make their own judgments and opinions. This is fine, because that is what everyone does, including me. That is part of being human. That is part of being an adult. That is part of life. There are so many things I’d like to scream. There are so many things I want to tell people but on the flip side of that, I am very private about some personal matters. I will tell you 10 ways to Sunday about Ian, Owen and Maddox and my experiences with them, but you ask me anything else about my personal life, and you’re likely not to get the true answer.

 

 

I want you see the rawness. I want you to hear the good the bad and the ugly. I want you to see the good in me and I want you to see the weakness in me. I want you to love me for who I am and not what I was. I want you to love me for who I can be, and encourage me to be that person. I want you to love my strengths and laugh at my weaknesses with me. I want you to be my best friend and my worst enemy. I want you to be able to look in my eyes and feel my pain, or embrace my happiness. I want you to share what I believe and push me to achieve more than I am currently achieving. I want you to support me, yet not be afraid to break me.

 

There are so many emotions going through my mind right now and the one I can’t stop thinking about is that this time 365 days ago, I was cautiously awaiting my little angel Maddox.  

 

Now, I am gearing up to welcome my sisters 2nd daughter into this world and my best friends 1st son into this world. I am so thrilled to be a part of both of their pregnancies and both of their new adventures…

 

 

I am human & I do selfishly hurt. It does sting sometimes and It is hard some days to continue moving in a forward motion when all I feel like doing is stepping backwards where no one can see me.

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