There sure have been a lot of twists and turns in the last 10 years!
I have spent some time, going through my old blog posts and reading a lot of the bitterness and anger that is associated with grief, more specifially, associated with my grief.
I still despise the saying "everything happens for a reason". While I don't think there is or was a good reason to kiss my angels goodbye-I do appreciate the strength and lessons I have learned along the way.
I am thankful for the events that led up to losing the twins, as those things made me stronger and more aware of the important things in life. Those events prepared to the best degree possible to stand strong and to take my lessons like an adult, in whatever manor they are given.
I don't understand the point of losing my sons-but I do understand parts of the lesson it was to teach me, and those around me. I've leaned humility, forgiveness, understanding and SOME patience.
I'm not a fogiving person It's not in my nature. I am not a person that is able to just "let go"-it's just not who I am .I think this character flaw was emphasized in losing Ian, Owen and Maddox. BUT losing them helped me to realize this about myself. I learned that I am stronger than I knew. I also learned that I am weaker and more sensitive than I thought.
I've learned the good and the bad people in my life-and I've gotten a backbone to disregard those that aren't healthy for me.
I've learned that my true friends, are those that don't care when I show up @ their doorstep in my PJ's at 9pm with chocolate and no shower. Or when we talk through text to watch a TV program late at night. My true friends are those that send me pictures of their kids, their spouses and such because they know I care, and I love them all. It's those that invite me to their family functions because " I am family" to them. It's those that live 200 miles away, yet I can't go a day without talking to-It's the ones that live 10 minutes from me, and call when the know I am by myself to make sure I am ok, and dont need company because they know-lonely minds are difficult. It's those that don't judge my opinion and feelings and validate my bitchiness-even when I am probably wrong.
I've learned the meaning and importance of independance. Ive also learned how easily I can dissapoint others, and how easily I can be dissapointed.
Things aren't always going to go my way-I have figured that out the hard way. I've also found an entirely new side of myself that I never knew existed. As long as I love-I will make sure no one forgets my sons. I will always and forever have FIVE sons! I've figured out though-that I can do things on my own-I don't need to rely on anyone else. I can, and I do have that wonderful support system-but I am capable, and I am able. I am the keeper of my sanity-and the keeper of my brave face. I will trust and obey, even when I don't understand.
Yes, I am still sad, and I am still very bitter. MANY have suggested counseling-but for me, It's just not the right timing.
I have spent some time, going through my old blog posts and reading a lot of the bitterness and anger that is associated with grief, more specifially, associated with my grief.
I still despise the saying "everything happens for a reason". While I don't think there is or was a good reason to kiss my angels goodbye-I do appreciate the strength and lessons I have learned along the way.
I am thankful for the events that led up to losing the twins, as those things made me stronger and more aware of the important things in life. Those events prepared to the best degree possible to stand strong and to take my lessons like an adult, in whatever manor they are given.
I don't understand the point of losing my sons-but I do understand parts of the lesson it was to teach me, and those around me. I've leaned humility, forgiveness, understanding and SOME patience.
I'm not a fogiving person It's not in my nature. I am not a person that is able to just "let go"-it's just not who I am .I think this character flaw was emphasized in losing Ian, Owen and Maddox. BUT losing them helped me to realize this about myself. I learned that I am stronger than I knew. I also learned that I am weaker and more sensitive than I thought.
I've learned the good and the bad people in my life-and I've gotten a backbone to disregard those that aren't healthy for me.
I've learned that my true friends, are those that don't care when I show up @ their doorstep in my PJ's at 9pm with chocolate and no shower. Or when we talk through text to watch a TV program late at night. My true friends are those that send me pictures of their kids, their spouses and such because they know I care, and I love them all. It's those that invite me to their family functions because " I am family" to them. It's those that live 200 miles away, yet I can't go a day without talking to-It's the ones that live 10 minutes from me, and call when the know I am by myself to make sure I am ok, and dont need company because they know-lonely minds are difficult. It's those that don't judge my opinion and feelings and validate my bitchiness-even when I am probably wrong.
I've learned the meaning and importance of independance. Ive also learned how easily I can dissapoint others, and how easily I can be dissapointed.
Things aren't always going to go my way-I have figured that out the hard way. I've also found an entirely new side of myself that I never knew existed. As long as I love-I will make sure no one forgets my sons. I will always and forever have FIVE sons! I've figured out though-that I can do things on my own-I don't need to rely on anyone else. I can, and I do have that wonderful support system-but I am capable, and I am able. I am the keeper of my sanity-and the keeper of my brave face. I will trust and obey, even when I don't understand.
Yes, I am still sad, and I am still very bitter. MANY have suggested counseling-but for me, It's just not the right timing.
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