Life is Full
Life
is FULL.
Full
of ups
Full
of downs
It
has been nearly 2 years since Ian and Owen were born.
It
has been nearly 2 years since Ian and Owen died.
It’s
been 13 months almost since Maddox was born and died.
There
are so many steps in the grieving process that one doesn’t even know until
faced with the situation.
Many
will read my Facebook posts, or see me out and ask how I am. My responses are
not always based on my grief for my sons.
My response is based upon the grief for my family. The grief in my heart
and the sadness of the situations adulthood has brought to me. Not only the
situation of facing death, but also the sting and the emotional sadness brought
to our family as a result.
Not
that I am advocating religion, because I am still very bitter an angry over how
God could continue to throw things in my face and lay things in front of me
that I simply can’t understand, but I do believe that people are sent into our
lives to serve a purpose. Whether that purpose is for long term (ideally a
spouse, best friend of family member) or for a short time…they are there to
serve a greater good in your life (hopefully a greater good and not a bad)
I
am struggling now with some of the people in my life and their purpose. I am
not sure if their purpose in my life was for the greater good or not. There are
many positives that have come from this relationship and there are many
negatives also. Dealing with real adult things becomes so difficult when they
are things that don’t bring comfort and peace.
It
is uncomfortable to be fearful of the unknown. It is disheartening to feel the
pressure and sadness that accompany depression and anxiety. It is debilitating
to continue walking a path that has no destination in sight.
A
“new” good friend of mine sent me the coolest thing through text this morning,
which really hit home. It was just a few simple words, but It really opened my
eyes.
It
says “you are a woman, not a wrench, stop trying to fix it”
In
the short time we’ve been “new friends” she knows exactly how that would affect
me.
That
statement could NOT be truer. I am only a woman-I can’t fix it all. But, I sure
have tried. I’ve TRIED to mend every broken heart of those that I love. I’ve
tried to fix every wrong that’s been done in my family. I’ve tried to fix all
of the wrong that I’ve done. I’ve tried to repair all of the hurt and pain and
scars of bad decisions. I’ve learned in the last 5 months, that I simply can’t
fix it all. I can try-but I’m only hurting myself. My behavior, my subtle
words, my anger and resentment all shine brightly most days. Not just about the
babies. Not just about the current situations that my family faces, but about
everything. Work, Home, Kids, My inner self, the future, my family…I want to
fix all of the broken, but I can’t. Most people can’t even SEE all of the
broken that I am trying so hard to fix.
I
find it so frustrating as an adult, to know in my heart the good that I am
trying to accomplish, yet all anyone else sees is the bad. People change-Some
change for the worst, and some change for the better. I am a better person for
all that I have been through. I am a stronger person with a backbone that isn’t
intimidated by things that I used to be. I am not the submissive person that I
was just 3-4 years ago. I am stronger, I am able and I am capable. I like to
make my own decisions, and I enjoy surrounding myself by those that are
positive for me. I have rid myself of most of the negative people in my life,
and will continue to weed them out. I would expect that if my friendship is no
longer viewed as a positive experience for someone else, that they would do the
same. I am more at peace and confident in the person that I am, and the things
that I feel I want and deserve in life than I’ve ever been.
I
am only a woman-not a wrench. I can WANT to fix it-but I simply just can’t.
Thanks Cat! =)
~Incredible
things happen in life when you decide to take control of what you do have power
over instead of craving control over what you don’t.
Steve
Maraboli
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