Cracked doors, open minds & stitched up hearts

OK, here goes….Big shocker for you……

 

You ready??

 

I.WENT.TO.CHURCH.

 

Yep, you read it correctly….BUT, hang on before you start smiling and getting all happy.

 

I stepped as far as about 15 steps inside of a sanctuary for the sake of my 8 year old son who attended Vacation Bible School this week.  I picked him up each night, and purposely went about 10 minutes earlier than I needed to, so I could watch the ending program each night. I remember growing up in church, and having Vacation Bible School and performing the songs @ the end of the night and discussing what was learned.  I also remember taking up the offering each night, and competing classroom against classroom, or boys vs. girls. I was flooded with memories and flooded with excitement to watch my tiny child be such a little performer on the stage. I’ve never seen him more “in” his element than he is when he is on that stage.

I am swallowing a HUGE piece of pride right now in saying that, MAYBE things happen for a reason (a saying you KNOW I hate, if you have been reading my blog since day 1). WHICH, on an “look @ the squirrel note”, it has been ALMOST 2 years since I started this blog. Can you believe it?

OH yea, back on track……

I had the unfortunate experience this week (or fortunate I guess) to be on the “been there done that” end of an infant loss situation. This young couple has been trying to have a family for years. They are gone down every route possible medically.  TO respect their privacy, I will not get into the details, but they have explored all avenues, and getting pregnant after some health concerns and issues made the chances carrying a child to term very slim.  They were pleased to learn after 1 round of IVF (and probably their last), they were expecting. 6 weeks passed, 10 weeks passed, 13 weeks passed; 18 weeks passed….19 week…..all was great. Unfortunately earlier in this week God decided that this little one was best served in a different capacity than we can and will never understand. Unfortunately, because of past medical issues, a normal birth was not in the cards for this new mama to be. She will now have a constant scar and reminder of her angel baby.  I tell you all of this for a reason…That reason is, I was able to use my experience this week, to hopefully bring a little bit of peace, or a little bit of “this side of things” outlook for this couple. While we are not close friends, we do now share a bond-a stupid, senseless, gut wrenching, and heart breaking bond!

 

I also tell you this because after everything is said and done (and I pray I am through the worst experiences I will have in my life now), that I can see a glimmer of hope, a tiny bit of growth, and a lot of healing in the last 2 years.

 

I have figured out in the most recent months, the kind of person, mother, wife, friend, and co-worker I want to be. I have gotten a better grasp on things now in my adulthood of the kids of friends I want around me, the kinds of people that encourage and uplift me and I have been able to weed out those that only bring me down. I hope that if I am someone that brings others down, they would have rid themselves of me also. I have found a bit of growth in myself looking back NOW at how I used to handle situations, and how I think things out longer and more clearly now. I hope that in 2 more years, I can say that I have grown even more.

I am healing. I do believe that. I will NEVER be whole again. I will always want my heart to remain somewhat broken, because I believe in the last 2 years, my brokenness has given me more of a chance to use sadness for good. It has given me more of a chance to grow up and see things from a different perspective. I think being broken gave me a new set of goals, a new set of boundaries, and an entirely new “me”.

 

NOW, I am not swallowing my pride enough to say that I am on speaking terms again with God-because I’m not…But, I have cracked the door a little bit. I felt a sense of overwhelming peace and comfort sitting and watching these wonderful adults and wonderful kids sing their songs, share their stories about what they’ve learned, and see the magic and the contentment in their eyes.

 

 

So, here is to cracked doors, open minds, and stitched up hearts!