Life After

Even though I've been making great strides in making some changes in the last 6 weeks, I am still carrying around a lot of stress. I realize it daily when I realize how heavy my heart feels, or how my head hurts daily, or how exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally I feel. I went to have a massage today-and I REALLY needed it. It is one of my "guilty pleasures". Some drink wine, I get massages. LOL I'm having a big time struggle with next weeks agenda. Next week, I go back to work. I'm not so worried about "getting back into" the groove of things. I've had close contact with SOME of my co-workers, so I don't think there will me any akward weirdness. I think it will be stressful going back and getting caught back up in some ways, but I think it will go just fine. I am uneasy about it, because I have REALLY enjoyed being home with the boys in the afternoon. I've enjoyed being able to be available to them, the ability to be available ...

It's been a long time since I've blogged a big long blog about everything. Today, just might be the day to catch up! I want to start by saying how much I appreciate the REAL people in my life. I really need to go do a good "friend" clean out-because there are obviously some out there that just like to be nosey. They don't care about people, situations, or who they hurt, they just keep being themselves (which apparently is not that great of a person). For those of you that know our family & we talk regularly, you know about some personal situations that have been happening regarding Isaac & Caleb. I am not in the business of discussing situations in a public space that could potentially harm someone else's reputation or future. Others are no so kind as I have come to find out =). That's ok though. I am strong, My family is strong, and we will prevail from everything and anything you can throw our way. We had a situation on Friday involving one...

I've given myself "NEW" projects to focus on lately so that I do not focus on the fact that tomorrow is 1 month since Maddox was born & Saturday is 9 months since Ian & Owen were born. Which means, in the time it takes a woman to be pregnant/have a healthy term baby-I have burried 3 beautiful boys this earthly world will never get to know. At least I can now say it was the day they were BORN and no the day they DIED. I haven't had much to blog about lately as I've just been going through the motions and keeping myself busy NOT thinking about it. =)

Do you have any idea how exhausting it is to ensure that you stay busy 100% of your day-including the 6-8 hours that you are awake at night when you SHOULD be asleep? My heart is absolutely breaking tonight. My friend Kara posted yesterday about a friend of hers whose little girl was having to go through surgery to try & "repair" some parts of her to help her survive. I do not know all of the ins and outs of this story-except what I have read from Kara. Today her post consisted of a million tears. The little one wasn't able to survive the surgery and/or aftermath and gained her angel wings. It's funny how things don't affect you one minute and then many hours/days later hit you like a ton of bricks. I have been doing a really good job of staying away from the "happy" facebook posts. Not that I don't care, but some of them are hard for me to read right now. I had a big problem after the twins were born reading about my friends that were findin...

I NEEDED this day. Very very much! After the last 4-5 days of not being able to really do MUCH, I decided today,I was leaving this house. I took the dog for her "spa day" (which she despises by the way-she is NOT my little girl). I took the boys to school, went to grocery shop ALONE and early so it wasn't busy. I went to get my hair done-took 2 hours. Had lunch w/ my bestest friend (Cris) and walked around the mall. Got some baseball stuff for the boys that they needed, spent an hour with my mom @ her office, got the dog, went to the field w/ the boys so they could bat & throw for awhile then home for dinner & now sitting down. It wasn't what I was SUPOSSED to be doing I'm sure, but it was nice none the less to be vertical and OUT of this house for awhile. I have no doubt in my mind, that I will regret this tomorrow!  I was thrilled at my appt the other day, that my fantastic doctor took me off of the devil medicine that the ER doctor put me on! So...

Holy COW for hormonal emotional mood issues. I've got more emotions than I could possibly EVER put into words. I sat in the Doctors office this morning following up from my delightful visit to the ER this weekend (We will get to this in a second). Sitting across from a 15 year old girl with a 20 month old in her lap @ 18 weeks pregnant. She was talking to her mom so rudely and being such a bitchy little teenager (I am happy I don't have girls) and complaining about how she wanted to be done being pregnant, wish she hadn't made the same mistake twice....etc. I wanted to take that baby out of her hands and smack her over and over and over and over again! On to my visit to the ER-I will be very vague here because I do not want to disgust my man readers-especially those of the father in law nature, because I know sometimes he reads these and I doubt he would appreciate being told the "ins and outs" of well, me! LOL (love you FFIL) I had to go into the Emergenc...

I slept long enough last night to have a dream- I of course am having a really hard time sleeping right now. I went through the exact same thing with Ian & Owen for months after they were born. It wasn't until I got pregnant with Maddox that I was simply finally tired enough to really sleep more than a few minutes at a time. Since Maddox was born, I can sleep about 2 hours at MOST and then I am up tossing and turning either the rest of the night, or most of it. I can sometimes get about another good 30-45 minutes a couple more times a night but i wake up a lot in between those sleep sessions. Anyway, my dream last night is one of those that I really don't remember much detail about. I kind of relived my delivery with Maddox. I did the same thing many many times with the twins. The biggest difference in my dreams about the kids is about physically what I FELT during the deliveries. With Ian & Owen, Things were sudden in the sense that we had 0 warning that we were ...

This Poem has been on my mind ALL DAY TODAY! I can't sleep. I'm up all night pretty much everynight. If not all night, I can sleep for about 15-30 minutes at a time, then I am up for a little while tossing and turning. My mind just won't stop. Last night, my thoughts took me the conversation with the doctor about not being able to have any more children. Like I've said before, we are OK with this decision when WE made it. I got to thinking about all of the families that hear those words and they do not HAVE children already. It was later brought to my attention that perhaps I don't express enough how truly thankful I am for the blessings of Isaac & Caleb. I do assume that those of you that know me, know that my children are my world. But this poem kept going through my mind last night. I do hope, that those of you that have told me you read my blog and it makes you hug your children a little tighter, will do that tonight as you read this poem. My children h...

Follow-up on my doctors appointment today- The long & short of it-No more babies in our future....ever. My doctor is wonderful. She set aside enough time for my appointment today to just sit in front of me, eye to eye and have a conversation with me. Asking me how I am feeling about things, telling me how sorry she was and how she was trying to figure out in the course of my care if there was something she missed, or could have done. There obviously was absolutely nothing that could have been done differently, but it was nice to hear the genuine and sincere concern from my doctor. She is truly a very sincere person and I couldn't have asked for better care during all of the pregnancies they have handled with me. This included Caleb, Ian, Owen & Maddox. So, it's been 14 days since Maddoxs' birthday. I stayed OH SO ON PURPOSE busy today. I slept until it was time to go to my appointment. THen I went to lunch with mom, to the pet store with mom and then to the gro...

"When you hold resentment towards another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link & get free." I have spent countless hours in the last 8 1/2 months trying to "relive" my entire life to figure out what I possibly could have done to deserve what has happened to my family. I am pretty sure a natural reaction to loss is something close to what I'm doing. I realize that I have not ALWAYS been the easiest person to be around. I honestly didn't realize this until about 3 years ago when I was accidentally in the "wrong place @ the wrong time" and overheard a conversation between family members about my desire to be a "drama queen". I've talked about this in my blog before so I won't get into any details of it again. It wasn't until that point that I realized that some people must view me that way. It forced me to take a hard ...

Shall we talk about a crappy day? I wasn't "feeling it" when I got up this morning. I loved having the "snow day" with the boys-although I woke up with the worlds most awful headache. I shouldn't be suprised though, I've had one for almost 2 weeks now. I was thankful for the time with them, and quit honestly, the COMPANY of my kids keeping me busy. Although my mind races constantly, it was nice to have somewhat of a distraction. We had an appointment with Caleb today, trying to help him with his grief. On the way home, we had to stop @ the funeral home and pick up Maddox (or Maddoxs' remains I should say) and his death certificate. Yea, that was a blast. Standing there signing paperwork that I am infact the mother of the tiny box sitting on the counter. I wasn't even sure I wanted to take it out of the funeral home. We haven't yet decided what we are going to do with his ashes. In case you've never seen the remains of a tiny child...

I read something earlier about being humbled before God in all of our good & our bad times in life. It touched on a few certain points about humility & being grateful to God in all of our failures and our sucesses. I have SO many issues with this article as you can imagine. First & foremost, I can assure you that the author of this article has not been through the conception, growth, delivery and death of 3 children. I do know this as a fact incase you are wondering =) There has been no child loss for that matter. I feel very defensive in the fact that it's hard to judge someone else's religious relationship when you have not walked even a 1/2 a step in the others shoes. I have made absolutely NO secret that I am angry with God. I will CONTINUE to make no secret that this is an issue with me. I will also make no secret that the "religious" influences in our life previously are conveniently no where to be found during the last 8 months. I will NEVER hol...

It's only been 8 days? I don't know if it's because I've torn the house apart and put NOTHING back together, or because I am feeling so crummy, or because the week has just felt like it's dragging even as busy as I've kept myself, but really?? Only 8 days?? It's 1:48pm right now, and I haven't left my bedroom all day. No, I'm not feeling depressed or anything...I'm just exhausted. 2 days of running errands and non-stop up and down doing things in & out of the house finally caught up to me around 11 last night. I spent an hour deciding if I was starting a panic attach before I got up & took my medicine for panic. The one thing I've avoided in the last 8 days was taking my medicine to prevent the panic attacks. I did great after Ian & Owen and think I maybe took it twice before I got pregnant with Maddox. I know for sure one day was the day of their funeral. But anyway, 11-12:30 last night was an interesting time in my head. But...