Life After

A Mother always knows. You hear that often, and it seems likes an old wives tale. I believe it's true though-because I am one of those mothers that always seems to know. Now, I do not mean that I KNOW everything, because that is the FARTHEST thing from the truth. However, I know important details and things deep down in my heart. This has been on my mind lately, and as things have really been emotional for me here in the last few weeks, I felt the need for this entry to be in my blog. I'm not really sure if I ever wrote exactly what happened with Maddox. We went to the hospital on Feb 19th because I was bleeding. In my heart, I knew on SATURDAY the 18th that something was wrong. The 18th was my birthday and I had a weekend full of activities with my wonderful family. One of those activities involved swimming. I felt exhausted, more so than normal after being in the water. Even though that was a "Safe" activity for 20 weeks pregnant. The next day I was so ti...

I am an emotional wreck. I am an absolute tearfilled angry mess. I have no explination for this-at all! Other than the obvious EVERYTHING I normally talk about- I sat through a green light TWICE on the way home-because I was day dreaming about the boys. I got this ever so raw feeling inside of my soul that reduced me to tears. I could feel them in my arms. I did not hold a baby in between the twins and Maddox and I have not held a baby since Maddox. I get extreme anxiety even thinking about holding an infant. So, let's move on! My heart broke for a dear friend tonight, having some horrible experiences with friends and co-workers who complain about being pregnant....my heart just breaks to hear people unhappy with their children, unhappy with how they are feeling when pregnant. It hurts me to see adults treating their children like they are nothing. It bothers me to observe parents that think of only themselves and not the best interest of their child (ren). Today was...

Oh Pain, OH MISERABLE pain! We are in month 4 of 2012, and I have visited the hospital Emergency Room 3 of the 4 months-and twice already in April (one was NOT for me however). You'd think I would have special VIP treatment there by now! =) For those of you that don't know, I went to the ER last Friday with what I already knew were kidney stones. We are almost a week into this, and it has not passed. I had a urology appointment yesterday and it appears the 5MM stone that the ER Radiologist saw has moved into my bladder (God help me if it hadn't, after all of the pain and nausea I had over the weekend). However, there is something in my kidney that she isn't sure of. Since the one is ready to pass, I have to go back on Monday for another xray of my kidney. IF that is another stone, I will be having surgery on Tuesday to make it pass. Oh what fun! I can't tell you how excited I am to possibly have to go back to the hospital and get MORE bruises since for some rea...

Where do I even begin?? I feel like I am walking around in this life trying to constantly escape the black cloud of bad luck that is following me/us. Not only am I emotionally dealing with the stressors caused in this life, but now I get to deal with a kidney stone that is going to kill me before it comes out of me. I really can't do much anymore but laugh. I made the comment to a few people that whomever has the voodu doll on me, could really stop with the needles now because I think they've had their fair share of laughs @ my expense in the last year. Things are starting to get really busy with baseball season, the end of school & vacations coming up. It's hard to find the TIME to sit back & reflect on everything going on around me. Although it's always on the forefront of my mind, I haven't sat down much to really reflect on and embrace the new normal. We were immediately thrust into dealing with a personal situation once we got out of the hospi...

rutt!!! BIG FAT RUTT! That's about all I can think of to describe the last few days or so. I don't know if its hormones, or just insane emotions...I think this was about the time frame after the twins died, that I started writing this blog. I want to say I started it about 2 months after. If that's the case, then I guess I am just experiencing the stupid raw emotion again. The smallest most STUPID things are bothering me. I have so many wonderful people in my life pouring out their hearts and prayers over us, and asking if they can be of any service to us, to reach out. God I wish I knew how to do that. I would absolutely love to give up some of this hurt, anger, resentment, punishment and hatred to anyone else, for just 5 minutes. Not that I EVER EVER would wish it on anyone, but to have someone take that burden from me for just 5 minutes....Ahh, there are no words. PLEASE before you message me and tell me that God will take my burden, please think twice and don...

It hit me today for some reason. I really can't have anymore kids. Not sure why it hit me, or even why it's bothering me now. I guess because I realize just how "big" my 2 are. Isaac doesn't "need" mama anymore. Caleb is having a big birthday soon, and they are just not babies anymore. They are growing up too fast. The last 3 years or so have been so consumed with so many things good & bad that I feel like I've lost precious time with them. I realize that I have been here and haven't missed anything in their lives, but I look back on the last 10 years (almost 11) and I feel like the time has moved so quickly and I can't get it back. So many of our peers are having babies, just like after the twins, it feels like everyone is expecting. We had dinner w/ my dad tonight and it almost hurt a little to think about him not having anymore grandchildren. My dad loves having babies around and it hurts my heart to know that I can't do what ...

So, Quick Recap for New(er) readers.... I am angry with God. Yep, that sums it up! Long & Short of my reasoning you ask?? Let's see...2 personal issues that i am not yet willing to discuss in a personal forum and the of course the death of 3 sons in 8 months. I've not been proud of the way I've handled everything in regards to my Christian beliefs. I was raised to believe that once a believer, always a believer. Not that I don't believe, because that's not even in question through all of this. I absolutely believe in God and believe in his death so that I may have life. No, my issue is with direct ANGER as to why a God so powerful and mighty would allow such a horrible sacrifice in my heart. Someone told me after the twins died that "Give it to God, he understands, he watched his own son die too". I can see where that statement COULD upset a mother who had just lost her child. I don't remember being upset about the comment, but it HAS stuck...

Being a mommy before... Laundry baskets full of dirty clothes Constantly finding tissues for your dirty nose Cleaning up the crumbs from your breakfast Rushing around town so you are not last. Being a mommy now... There are still dirty baskets around the house Never once is it "quiet as a mouse" The crumbs are on the table, floors and walls and we are always present when you are called. The difference in then and now is as simple as it gets I was given a gift from God that only I could fit. My heart has been used 5 times To carry Gods precious angels While there are two sets of hands I hold there are 3 more I must not handle It is a precious gift and also a painful curse To know your heart is full of love and also pain you can't reverse God must have known He must have seen That my heart just was not whole and so he blessed my heart again and it took away my soul "How many children do you have?" is the hardest one of all But ...

I got lost today- I got lost in 2 hours of Anger on the Elliptical @ the gym. When we get so busy living life, it's easy to let things just creap into our lives. Anger is one of those things for me. My brain has been all over the place in the last 9 months. I can't focus on things like I used to. I don't see things the same way. Today was supossed to be a day where we heard some solutions to a few of those "open ended" situations I talked about previously. Well, the day came & went, and just like so many other days in the last 9 months, it felt like a complete & total epic failure of a day. I am getting used to the fact that I want things to happen so much quicker than they are going to. I want answers yesterday for things that haven't happened yet. I want closure to things that I can't control. I'm finding it really hard to feel such a loss of control. For me, I lost the ability to control situations the moment Ian & Owen were born. ...

WELCOME to BASEBALL SEASON! The season in the Howard household that consists of rushed dinners, 4 & 5 days @ the baseball field until LONG after dark and intense crazy tempers! ALSO the time in the Howard household where many memories are made. We "used" to be a soccer family. Well, not used to be, we still are. Soccer season is just as insane as baseball season. However, for some reason, the intensity is just different. The parent involvement is different. The all around FEEL is different. I am not a baseball person, I never have been. BUT, to see my kids play-is simply amazing. Caleb is still in T-ball-that is NOT nearly as intense. It's a great starter age and gives the kids tons of hours getting to know each other and learning (sort of) about the game of baseball. But HOLY BATMAN-Minors baseball brings out the crazy mamas (me included) and the intense nature of the sport. It's very competitive at this age group and while the kids (and parents) have a blast...