What an INCREDIBLY stressful week.
I need a place to vent, but the problem is, I can't really VENT what is on my mind. Well, I CAN, but I won't, yet...
Those that are close to us, know that our personal situations of stress reach well beyond the loss of Ian, Owen and Maddox. While those are "stressors" in our lives, we have had many things lead up to this point in our life that have been really trying. about 4 years ago, we took a wonderful (or we thought at the time) opportunity for Cris is make a BIG STEP in his career. We picked up and moved to Richmond to pursue this chance for him. There were so many hard parts about this move and transition, but looking back, there were so many wonderful ones too. At this point, we had been married about 5-6 years & we had never lived "AWAY" from home. We had our OWN house, we had owned 2 homes by this point, but we never loved away from Roanoke, away from our families and what we knew. When we moved, we really had to rely on each other, we really had to grow as a family because we didn't have any other option. We really had some hard times while living there. We endured a nearly fatal accident involving us, a dumptruck, a 60mph road and a serious head on collision with said dump truck! By ONLY the grace of God we all 4 got our of my car without any broken bones. Caleb was hurt least of all of us & Cris and I took the most impact, Thank GOD. It's so strange now to look back on these picture and remember how horrible of a time we were going through.
Thanks to our FANTASTIC lawyer (and high school friend) & wonderful family we came out on the other side of this, way more full of law knowledge than we ever wanted to be and very blessed by God to be able to share the pictures and talk about it today.
It was @ this point, we really felt like we needed to come home. The traveling back & forth was getting really hard for us because we had to take this route back to Roanoke everytime we decided to come home. Mentally, it was really taxing. We started searching for jobs and by the end of the summer Cris had found a job in his industry and it allowed us to move back. We put the house on the market and thought things would go very smoothly. Little did we know, GOD had a different plan for us. I came home from work one afternoon to a completely flooded downstairs. A copper line to the ice machine had broken sometime during the day and water was just pouring out of the fidge. So, this started a new journey I do not like to remember. 4-6 weeks of dealing with servpro and insurance companies-It was a BLAST -feel that sarcasm?? We DID get new flooring and carpets to show for it though-at our insurance companies expense. That was kind of nice-it did a lot for the downstairs of our Richmond House. After all of this happened and the kids were out of school, the boys & I moved back to Roanoke w/ Cris. The time apart was too hard for us to deal with and I couldn't make the drive back b/c of panic attacks. My WONDERFUL mother and father in law allowed us to live with them until we sold the Richmond house, 2-3 months TOPS, right?....WRONG!!!!! BIG BIG WRONG!!!!! We lived with them for 15 months before we decided it was time for us to go ahead and buy a 2nd house in Roanoke. VERY HARD CHOICE! They were fantastic enough to allow us to live there, turning their lives upside down having 2 on the go all the time grandkids living with them, and having to deal w/ Cris and my schedule. I immediately got a great job w/ a CAT dealership ( I formerly worked for YALE) so this was a pretty cool switch for me. The company I worked for was FANTASTIC (and still is) and my work people became my family too! They were very understanding about my situation and all that was going on in my home life. I can't say that living with "parents" again was easy-because we had been out on our own for 7 years or so. Everyone raises their children differently, everyone has different schedules, everyone likes their alone time, everyone likes their peace. So, while I know it was hard on us to live there, I know it was equally as difficult for them to have us there so long-BUT, I think we all did pretty good. It made us incredibly greatful and it brought us ALL together as a family and made us a much stronger unit. (I think so anyway)
When we moved, we decided it was time to add to our family. Timing wasn't right over the last 4-5 years since Caleb was born, but when we moved, it seemed like the right time. That's when we IMMEDIATELY got pregnant with Ian & Owen. We got pregnant in the 1st month of living here. I realize this isn't anything to brag about as it takes many people months and months and even years sometimes to concienve. We are extremely lucky that conception is NOT an issue for us. The 1st 6 weeks were SO stressful because we KNEW we were expecting but according the the 1st u/s we had, there was nothing there. I had blood work for an entire week, and my levels continued to rise, but STILL nothing on the u/s. We went back @ what we THOUGHT was 8-10 weeks pregnant for another u/s. It was then, that I was SCARED TO DEATH to hear here tell me there was no viable pregnancy, when she said " Well, you're having twins". I remember looking over @ Cris and his face was SO WHITE. I smiled, and cried, and smiled some more. We went and told ALL of our families and started planning for TWINS. Oh my gosh TWINS!!! I was so scared. Happy scared, but scared. Then of course, we all know the outcome of this situation (I don't feel like retelling the story).
We had a lot of family support and friend support going forward. I realize this was a big part of our healing process, but while it seemed like we would never see the light of day again beyond all of this, we did get to a point in a few months that we were able to focus on something other than just what had happened. I put a lot into my job and over the next few months, major changes @ work started to happen. My company is out of N. Carolina, and they purchased another company that is a dealer of Hyster equipment. Because ROANOKE has a hyster dealer already, that meant the Roanoke devision wasn't able to be included in this moving forward decision. It was really scary for months because we had NO IDEA what was going to happen to us up here. We all are such a great family unit and we work as a team-it was hard to think we might all not get to move forward w/ a new company. While all of this was going on, we were still trying to sell the Richmond house, and I found out again that I Was pregnant. I told you-conception isn't a problem for us. I wish I would have known then what I do now, that our problem is ME and my inability to carry a full term child.
Maddox was born at the same gestation age as Ian and Owen. Yes, I realize this is ironic and earie-believe me, I've lived it.
After the twins, I felt so angry and betrayed, but I also knew that it just "happens". Then, my level of anger was so uncontrollable, little did I know, that my level of anger could get MUCH MUCH deaper than I could fathom @ that time.
After Maddox- I felt like I could continue to be strong. No one needed to see me weak. No one still needs to see me weak, but I can tell you-it's getting harder to hide. I read earlier today , someone complaining that she has worked out a rediculous amount but still looks pregnant (she IS pregnant, by the way). Then of course "LOL" on it. How is that funny? LOOKING pregnant is amazing. Looking pregnant means that your baby is HEALTHY and that you are carrying that baby in a healthy way. Why in the world would you not want to LOOK pregnant? That hurt my heart so much to read.
I'm not sure if it's because the twins first birthday/anniversary is coming up, or all of the changes happening right now, or the freshness of Maddox' death, but I am losing it slowly. I'm not afraid to say it-I'm not strong. I wish people would stop thinking that I am. I am probably the weakest most angry person that you will meet right now and I don't know that I can change it. I am MAD at God. I am sure we should go back to church, but I don't want to. I don't even want to consider it right now.
I'm in between a rock & a hard place, because this "new" situation we are facing right now (the one I don't want to publisize right now), really probably is my last straw. I found myself crying in the shower the other day begging to God to please just send me a clear cut sign of what it is he wants me to learn. I do not understand how all of the things in the last 4-5 years are to teach me a lesson. I don't understand what lesson that is. I don't get what I should be seeing in all of this. I just don't get it. ALl of this has to mean something. I'm having a hard time deciding if I can continue being angry with God, or if it's time for me to say forget it-it's not his fault, it's mine. Or if I can just suck it up, admit that maybe I need a little God in my life, to make things OK again. I can't decide if all of this is a RESULT of God teaching me a lesson, or if it is all happening so that I will stop being angry with him, the world, and everyone else, or even myself. I just can't figure it all out-but I feel guilty praying, because in my deapest of hearts, I am so bitter and dissapointed in what I am dealing with daily. I feel so helpless that I can't control what happens. Yet i feel like I need to take control. I am sure none of this is making sense, but it's what is on my mind right now. My expectations are so high right now out of friendship and relationships. I have already been let down in the last few days by plans being made, and then not happening. While there was good reason for it falling through, I am so angry/bitter that it hurt my feelings and I let it get under my skin.
I am not capable of being a good friend to anyone right now. I am not capable of being a good sister, friend, wife, mother, daughter, or anything else for that matter. I went through a similar feeling after Ian & Owen, but what I thought was bad then, I can see could have been much worse-as it is now.
I'm sorry to say-that things aren't going to get much better any time soon. I have to add the side note-that my job situation is great-a wonderful company bought us here in Roanoke, and we remain the Cat dealer in the area. The company is fantastic-they know all of the stuff that has happened in the last year in MY life, and have been wonderfully supportive already! That part, I can be happy about-
I am not going to get into the details of the new "opportunity" (I am using this word semi-sarcastically) that is going on in our life right now. It's a personal family situation and we are going to have a hard few months ahead of us. I do have to believe that there IS a lesson and a plan in here somewhere, but I can sit here & tell you-I haven't been this scared in a very long time. I haven't had this many panic attacks in one single day, EVER!
Whether I need to stop and trust God more, or I need to continue being angry-I just do'nt know at this point-I guess this is my own cross..
I need a place to vent, but the problem is, I can't really VENT what is on my mind. Well, I CAN, but I won't, yet...
Those that are close to us, know that our personal situations of stress reach well beyond the loss of Ian, Owen and Maddox. While those are "stressors" in our lives, we have had many things lead up to this point in our life that have been really trying. about 4 years ago, we took a wonderful (or we thought at the time) opportunity for Cris is make a BIG STEP in his career. We picked up and moved to Richmond to pursue this chance for him. There were so many hard parts about this move and transition, but looking back, there were so many wonderful ones too. At this point, we had been married about 5-6 years & we had never lived "AWAY" from home. We had our OWN house, we had owned 2 homes by this point, but we never loved away from Roanoke, away from our families and what we knew. When we moved, we really had to rely on each other, we really had to grow as a family because we didn't have any other option. We really had some hard times while living there. We endured a nearly fatal accident involving us, a dumptruck, a 60mph road and a serious head on collision with said dump truck! By ONLY the grace of God we all 4 got our of my car without any broken bones. Caleb was hurt least of all of us & Cris and I took the most impact, Thank GOD. It's so strange now to look back on these picture and remember how horrible of a time we were going through.
It was @ this point, we really felt like we needed to come home. The traveling back & forth was getting really hard for us because we had to take this route back to Roanoke everytime we decided to come home. Mentally, it was really taxing. We started searching for jobs and by the end of the summer Cris had found a job in his industry and it allowed us to move back. We put the house on the market and thought things would go very smoothly. Little did we know, GOD had a different plan for us. I came home from work one afternoon to a completely flooded downstairs. A copper line to the ice machine had broken sometime during the day and water was just pouring out of the fidge. So, this started a new journey I do not like to remember. 4-6 weeks of dealing with servpro and insurance companies-It was a BLAST -feel that sarcasm?? We DID get new flooring and carpets to show for it though-at our insurance companies expense. That was kind of nice-it did a lot for the downstairs of our Richmond House. After all of this happened and the kids were out of school, the boys & I moved back to Roanoke w/ Cris. The time apart was too hard for us to deal with and I couldn't make the drive back b/c of panic attacks. My WONDERFUL mother and father in law allowed us to live with them until we sold the Richmond house, 2-3 months TOPS, right?....WRONG!!!!! BIG BIG WRONG!!!!! We lived with them for 15 months before we decided it was time for us to go ahead and buy a 2nd house in Roanoke. VERY HARD CHOICE! They were fantastic enough to allow us to live there, turning their lives upside down having 2 on the go all the time grandkids living with them, and having to deal w/ Cris and my schedule. I immediately got a great job w/ a CAT dealership ( I formerly worked for YALE) so this was a pretty cool switch for me. The company I worked for was FANTASTIC (and still is) and my work people became my family too! They were very understanding about my situation and all that was going on in my home life. I can't say that living with "parents" again was easy-because we had been out on our own for 7 years or so. Everyone raises their children differently, everyone has different schedules, everyone likes their alone time, everyone likes their peace. So, while I know it was hard on us to live there, I know it was equally as difficult for them to have us there so long-BUT, I think we all did pretty good. It made us incredibly greatful and it brought us ALL together as a family and made us a much stronger unit. (I think so anyway)
When we moved, we decided it was time to add to our family. Timing wasn't right over the last 4-5 years since Caleb was born, but when we moved, it seemed like the right time. That's when we IMMEDIATELY got pregnant with Ian & Owen. We got pregnant in the 1st month of living here. I realize this isn't anything to brag about as it takes many people months and months and even years sometimes to concienve. We are extremely lucky that conception is NOT an issue for us. The 1st 6 weeks were SO stressful because we KNEW we were expecting but according the the 1st u/s we had, there was nothing there. I had blood work for an entire week, and my levels continued to rise, but STILL nothing on the u/s. We went back @ what we THOUGHT was 8-10 weeks pregnant for another u/s. It was then, that I was SCARED TO DEATH to hear here tell me there was no viable pregnancy, when she said " Well, you're having twins". I remember looking over @ Cris and his face was SO WHITE. I smiled, and cried, and smiled some more. We went and told ALL of our families and started planning for TWINS. Oh my gosh TWINS!!! I was so scared. Happy scared, but scared. Then of course, we all know the outcome of this situation (I don't feel like retelling the story).
We had a lot of family support and friend support going forward. I realize this was a big part of our healing process, but while it seemed like we would never see the light of day again beyond all of this, we did get to a point in a few months that we were able to focus on something other than just what had happened. I put a lot into my job and over the next few months, major changes @ work started to happen. My company is out of N. Carolina, and they purchased another company that is a dealer of Hyster equipment. Because ROANOKE has a hyster dealer already, that meant the Roanoke devision wasn't able to be included in this moving forward decision. It was really scary for months because we had NO IDEA what was going to happen to us up here. We all are such a great family unit and we work as a team-it was hard to think we might all not get to move forward w/ a new company. While all of this was going on, we were still trying to sell the Richmond house, and I found out again that I Was pregnant. I told you-conception isn't a problem for us. I wish I would have known then what I do now, that our problem is ME and my inability to carry a full term child.
Maddox was born at the same gestation age as Ian and Owen. Yes, I realize this is ironic and earie-believe me, I've lived it.
After the twins, I felt so angry and betrayed, but I also knew that it just "happens". Then, my level of anger was so uncontrollable, little did I know, that my level of anger could get MUCH MUCH deaper than I could fathom @ that time.
After Maddox- I felt like I could continue to be strong. No one needed to see me weak. No one still needs to see me weak, but I can tell you-it's getting harder to hide. I read earlier today , someone complaining that she has worked out a rediculous amount but still looks pregnant (she IS pregnant, by the way). Then of course "LOL" on it. How is that funny? LOOKING pregnant is amazing. Looking pregnant means that your baby is HEALTHY and that you are carrying that baby in a healthy way. Why in the world would you not want to LOOK pregnant? That hurt my heart so much to read.
I'm not sure if it's because the twins first birthday/anniversary is coming up, or all of the changes happening right now, or the freshness of Maddox' death, but I am losing it slowly. I'm not afraid to say it-I'm not strong. I wish people would stop thinking that I am. I am probably the weakest most angry person that you will meet right now and I don't know that I can change it. I am MAD at God. I am sure we should go back to church, but I don't want to. I don't even want to consider it right now.
I'm in between a rock & a hard place, because this "new" situation we are facing right now (the one I don't want to publisize right now), really probably is my last straw. I found myself crying in the shower the other day begging to God to please just send me a clear cut sign of what it is he wants me to learn. I do not understand how all of the things in the last 4-5 years are to teach me a lesson. I don't understand what lesson that is. I don't get what I should be seeing in all of this. I just don't get it. ALl of this has to mean something. I'm having a hard time deciding if I can continue being angry with God, or if it's time for me to say forget it-it's not his fault, it's mine. Or if I can just suck it up, admit that maybe I need a little God in my life, to make things OK again. I can't decide if all of this is a RESULT of God teaching me a lesson, or if it is all happening so that I will stop being angry with him, the world, and everyone else, or even myself. I just can't figure it all out-but I feel guilty praying, because in my deapest of hearts, I am so bitter and dissapointed in what I am dealing with daily. I feel so helpless that I can't control what happens. Yet i feel like I need to take control. I am sure none of this is making sense, but it's what is on my mind right now. My expectations are so high right now out of friendship and relationships. I have already been let down in the last few days by plans being made, and then not happening. While there was good reason for it falling through, I am so angry/bitter that it hurt my feelings and I let it get under my skin.
I am not capable of being a good friend to anyone right now. I am not capable of being a good sister, friend, wife, mother, daughter, or anything else for that matter. I went through a similar feeling after Ian & Owen, but what I thought was bad then, I can see could have been much worse-as it is now.
I'm sorry to say-that things aren't going to get much better any time soon. I have to add the side note-that my job situation is great-a wonderful company bought us here in Roanoke, and we remain the Cat dealer in the area. The company is fantastic-they know all of the stuff that has happened in the last year in MY life, and have been wonderfully supportive already! That part, I can be happy about-
I am not going to get into the details of the new "opportunity" (I am using this word semi-sarcastically) that is going on in our life right now. It's a personal family situation and we are going to have a hard few months ahead of us. I do have to believe that there IS a lesson and a plan in here somewhere, but I can sit here & tell you-I haven't been this scared in a very long time. I haven't had this many panic attacks in one single day, EVER!
Whether I need to stop and trust God more, or I need to continue being angry-I just do'nt know at this point-I guess this is my own cross..
Comments
Post a Comment