I had the scare of my life today-
For one second, one tiny second I worried that I had forgotten what my angel babies faces looked like.
Then of course, I had a complete panic attack and the tears wouldn't stop. I don't even know WHAT I was doing, but it hit me out of no where.
I've read in a few of my grief books lately that @ some point, there comes a time when the grieving mother has to stop feeling that there is a right of passage for mourning. I realize I am not there yet, because I take great offense to hearing that at some point, I will need to stop focusing my life around my past 11 months. My anxiety is off the charts right now as we come to Ian & Owen's first year in Heaven and the "projected" date of birth for Maddox.
I am sure those close to me, around me, or even aquantances are tired of reading and/or hearing about my boys. I wish I could explain or put into this blog how I am truly feeling on the inside, but if I did, I think I would hurt a lot of feelings. I've made a few enemies this year, and I've made a few close friends through this.
My biggest issue, is that I really don't care what others think. I have become so bitter with every situation in my life that it is affecting my relationships.
I have to often remind myself, that those I come into daily contact with-even though they love and support me, they can't feel what I am feeling. Someone reminded me on mothers day that I knew those boys, all 3 of them, better than anyone else will on this earth. I already knew what they liked and disliked. I already knew which way they slept. In the hospital, I laid my ear down against their hearts and listened to them beat together, in perfect time. I remember watching them as we would separate the twins and they would be back together within moments. it was amazing to watch 2 tiny little ones; less than 1 lb a piece but they were able to do so much. I remember crying because they were PERFECT and they did not deserve this. They did nothing, there was NOTHING wrong with them. It was ME. I've had an entire year to place blame everywhere else. I've had plenty of time to place it on myself. You can tell me over and over, it's not my fault-But it was MY BODY that couldn't keep them. What kind of MOTHER can't keep her children alive? BIBLICALLY-Woman's bodies are MADE to bear children. (this is not necessarily my opinion) I think no less of any other mother who has been through this-Sometimes, it's not in the cards and it can't happen. I can't IMAGINE how that feels, but I know that I can blame myself because I was able to keep Isaac and Caleb safe for their entire 9 months, why couldn't I do it for Ian, Owen & Maddox?
I do realize, there will come a time, that I need to stop greiving daily. That I need to concentrate and change my focus to something that will benefit my life. I have to believe that this was given to me because I CAN make a difference in someone else's life. I don't yet know what that is. I do not know where the strength in the last 11 months has come from. BUt I do know that if I can make it to the year anniversaries for all of my boys, then I can continue, day by day to get up and move forward. Somedays, I really don't think I can. But I guess I have to!
We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.
It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't been seen
By any on Earth.
This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.
I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.
The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.
It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.
And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.
It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.
I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!
For one second, one tiny second I worried that I had forgotten what my angel babies faces looked like.
Then of course, I had a complete panic attack and the tears wouldn't stop. I don't even know WHAT I was doing, but it hit me out of no where.
I've read in a few of my grief books lately that @ some point, there comes a time when the grieving mother has to stop feeling that there is a right of passage for mourning. I realize I am not there yet, because I take great offense to hearing that at some point, I will need to stop focusing my life around my past 11 months. My anxiety is off the charts right now as we come to Ian & Owen's first year in Heaven and the "projected" date of birth for Maddox.
I am sure those close to me, around me, or even aquantances are tired of reading and/or hearing about my boys. I wish I could explain or put into this blog how I am truly feeling on the inside, but if I did, I think I would hurt a lot of feelings. I've made a few enemies this year, and I've made a few close friends through this.
My biggest issue, is that I really don't care what others think. I have become so bitter with every situation in my life that it is affecting my relationships.
I have to often remind myself, that those I come into daily contact with-even though they love and support me, they can't feel what I am feeling. Someone reminded me on mothers day that I knew those boys, all 3 of them, better than anyone else will on this earth. I already knew what they liked and disliked. I already knew which way they slept. In the hospital, I laid my ear down against their hearts and listened to them beat together, in perfect time. I remember watching them as we would separate the twins and they would be back together within moments. it was amazing to watch 2 tiny little ones; less than 1 lb a piece but they were able to do so much. I remember crying because they were PERFECT and they did not deserve this. They did nothing, there was NOTHING wrong with them. It was ME. I've had an entire year to place blame everywhere else. I've had plenty of time to place it on myself. You can tell me over and over, it's not my fault-But it was MY BODY that couldn't keep them. What kind of MOTHER can't keep her children alive? BIBLICALLY-Woman's bodies are MADE to bear children. (this is not necessarily my opinion) I think no less of any other mother who has been through this-Sometimes, it's not in the cards and it can't happen. I can't IMAGINE how that feels, but I know that I can blame myself because I was able to keep Isaac and Caleb safe for their entire 9 months, why couldn't I do it for Ian, Owen & Maddox?
I do realize, there will come a time, that I need to stop greiving daily. That I need to concentrate and change my focus to something that will benefit my life. I have to believe that this was given to me because I CAN make a difference in someone else's life. I don't yet know what that is. I do not know where the strength in the last 11 months has come from. BUt I do know that if I can make it to the year anniversaries for all of my boys, then I can continue, day by day to get up and move forward. Somedays, I really don't think I can. But I guess I have to!
We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.
It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't been seen
By any on Earth.
This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.
I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.
The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.
It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.
And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.
It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.
I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!
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