Today......was Meltdown day!
Not only was it meltdown day-it was MEGA meltdown day.
I have been SO consumed in the past month with these kidney issues, that my focus has NOT been on my healing over my sons, but on my complete and utter body pain. On top of the emotional sadness that I had put to the side, I was dealing with physical pain that was out of this world. FOr those that don't know, I had kidney stones, had surgery to remove, because it wasn't going to pass on it's own, and then had a devil stent. I begged to have the stent removed 3 days early to which my doctor agreed because I think he was tired of my whining. I did NOT get the immediate relief I was hoping for. In fact, we are 4 days post stent removal and I am still experiencing some semi-severe ureter/bladder spasms that are painful. Not just ouch that hurt painful, but stinging, burning, I am crying it hurts so bad spasms. HOWEVER, I do realize that I have come a long way in the 4 days, because I know longer cry when I pee (sorry-TMI) and I no longer have to walk @ the pace of a snail or take 10 minutes to SIT b/c of the discomfort-so I am improving. I am just wanting the rest of this nonsense to go away!
For some reason today-my emotional state went from hidden to VERY prominant. Half way through the day, I got an email on my yahoo e-mail address from the wonderful Gerber reminding me that Maddox was due to make his arrival within 6 weeks They were urging me to consider cord blood bank and to make sure we had all of our things in order. I responded out loud, in the middle of work-"Yes, things are in order, for his funeral". I got a few looks-then I broke down into tears that kept going and going and going and going & going. I composed myself for long enough to work about 1/2 hour-then I just decided it was worthless, I had already let my emotion get the best of me-
DUring the last 3 weeks, Cris has done an AMAZING job of keeping up w/ house stuff. But, I am SO anal-and I have felt so helpless because I push so hard @ work to stay the whole day and work-but then when I get home, all I can do is lay still to make the shooting pain stop. SO, the laundry that he did for me, piles up to be put away, the dishes rack up, he's been having to cook dinner, he's been having to take and get the kids, baseball games, etc. I haven't been present for ANY of that. I've felt like crap-SO, during my cryfest in the bathroom floor @ work, the anger I felt about how I have failed @ being all the things I need and want to be for my family (I didn't fail on purpose, I failed because I had surgery-to ME, a failure not being able to do what I should/need to do)
I am such a sucker for a good cry, one of my projects tonight was to remember my boys-and the way I wanted to do that, was to read through all of the cards, emails, posts and such that happened with Ian & Owen were born, and then when Maddox was born. I gave myself plenty of time tonight to cry, to get it out & to get back up (THAT PART was hard).
It's been heavy on my mind & heart lately of a devotion I read yesterday. IT was another one that caught my eye w/ it's title about How GOD lets things happen in our lives. The entire devotion was about how God can use our past, our anger, our hurt for the good of ourselves and others. It says we should seek God in all of our pain and he will take our pain and use it for good in our lives...That part of GOD really bothers me. I just can't get past the bitterness and the questions. MY ENTIRE LIFE has been going to God-in blessings and in question. I have sought God in my marraige, for my children, for my personal well being, for our Christian family life, etc. I have given thanks, I have begged for forgiveness, I have sought his plan and I have questioned his plan-but now, I am so bitterly angry that I don't want to seek it anymore. I can't understand how 3 children lost could BETTER my life-could BETTER our family. This has been the most HONEST I have ever had to be with myself and others. This should probably have been a private battle for our family, but I chose to make it a very public one. Not become misery loves company, but because misery doesn't know HOW to shut up, or HOW to greive privately. I simply can't understand anything about the last year-any part of it.
Not only was it meltdown day-it was MEGA meltdown day.
I have been SO consumed in the past month with these kidney issues, that my focus has NOT been on my healing over my sons, but on my complete and utter body pain. On top of the emotional sadness that I had put to the side, I was dealing with physical pain that was out of this world. FOr those that don't know, I had kidney stones, had surgery to remove, because it wasn't going to pass on it's own, and then had a devil stent. I begged to have the stent removed 3 days early to which my doctor agreed because I think he was tired of my whining. I did NOT get the immediate relief I was hoping for. In fact, we are 4 days post stent removal and I am still experiencing some semi-severe ureter/bladder spasms that are painful. Not just ouch that hurt painful, but stinging, burning, I am crying it hurts so bad spasms. HOWEVER, I do realize that I have come a long way in the 4 days, because I know longer cry when I pee (sorry-TMI) and I no longer have to walk @ the pace of a snail or take 10 minutes to SIT b/c of the discomfort-so I am improving. I am just wanting the rest of this nonsense to go away!
For some reason today-my emotional state went from hidden to VERY prominant. Half way through the day, I got an email on my yahoo e-mail address from the wonderful Gerber reminding me that Maddox was due to make his arrival within 6 weeks They were urging me to consider cord blood bank and to make sure we had all of our things in order. I responded out loud, in the middle of work-"Yes, things are in order, for his funeral". I got a few looks-then I broke down into tears that kept going and going and going and going & going. I composed myself for long enough to work about 1/2 hour-then I just decided it was worthless, I had already let my emotion get the best of me-
DUring the last 3 weeks, Cris has done an AMAZING job of keeping up w/ house stuff. But, I am SO anal-and I have felt so helpless because I push so hard @ work to stay the whole day and work-but then when I get home, all I can do is lay still to make the shooting pain stop. SO, the laundry that he did for me, piles up to be put away, the dishes rack up, he's been having to cook dinner, he's been having to take and get the kids, baseball games, etc. I haven't been present for ANY of that. I've felt like crap-SO, during my cryfest in the bathroom floor @ work, the anger I felt about how I have failed @ being all the things I need and want to be for my family (I didn't fail on purpose, I failed because I had surgery-to ME, a failure not being able to do what I should/need to do)
I am such a sucker for a good cry, one of my projects tonight was to remember my boys-and the way I wanted to do that, was to read through all of the cards, emails, posts and such that happened with Ian & Owen were born, and then when Maddox was born. I gave myself plenty of time tonight to cry, to get it out & to get back up (THAT PART was hard).
It's been heavy on my mind & heart lately of a devotion I read yesterday. IT was another one that caught my eye w/ it's title about How GOD lets things happen in our lives. The entire devotion was about how God can use our past, our anger, our hurt for the good of ourselves and others. It says we should seek God in all of our pain and he will take our pain and use it for good in our lives...That part of GOD really bothers me. I just can't get past the bitterness and the questions. MY ENTIRE LIFE has been going to God-in blessings and in question. I have sought God in my marraige, for my children, for my personal well being, for our Christian family life, etc. I have given thanks, I have begged for forgiveness, I have sought his plan and I have questioned his plan-but now, I am so bitterly angry that I don't want to seek it anymore. I can't understand how 3 children lost could BETTER my life-could BETTER our family. This has been the most HONEST I have ever had to be with myself and others. This should probably have been a private battle for our family, but I chose to make it a very public one. Not become misery loves company, but because misery doesn't know HOW to shut up, or HOW to greive privately. I simply can't understand anything about the last year-any part of it.
Comments
Post a Comment