Life After

So, this week has just downright sucked! (For the most part) LONG story short-The company that I work for (and love) purchased another forklift dealership that was going belly up in the Carolinas (my companies headquarters is in Charlotte). The brand of lift that they now represent is NOT caterpillar. The big deal is that in Roanoke, we can't represent this brand because it is already represented. The short of this is......My branch will no longer be part of the company that I CURRENTLY work for. Which I hate-because I like the company that I work for. ANYWAY-Needless to say, the new came in this week in the form of a REALLY crappy divisional call. It was hard to hear/understand and comprehend. Anyway-It was EMOTIONAL for all of us. It's not just the company that I like, I have become "family" with MANY of the people that work in the other branches-From CHarlotte, to Monroe, Hickory, Greenville & others. It's HARD to know that I won't be working with ...

We have made it to 16 weeks (and a few days) This is a HUGE milestone! It’s also a nerve racking one because this puts us closer to the 20 weeks when Ian & Owen were born. I am trying not to compare pregnancies, but I now have in my head that I know 20 weeks will be an even BIGGER accomplishment. I also know that everyday PAST 20 days will be touch & go for me until we are WAY later in pregnancy and a little “safer”. I did not realize until after Ian & Owen were born, how many children each DAY are born either prematurely, or with problems during childbirth, or even carried to term but resulting in a “cord accident” during delivery. The AMOUNT of possibilities is enormous, but I am choosing to take the positive route and believe that we are doing great. The baby is growing @ a crazy fast rate right now. I know the more children you’ve had, the more “pregnant” you appear earlier in your pregnancy. I definitely can look down & see my little boy or gir...

Today was a really rough day for me.... I realize crampy is a normal pregnancy trait. However, when you are carrying a baby after a loss, being crampy is a HUGE deal. I know this is probably too much information, but every single day, I stand up and just WAIT for something to happen. When I lost the twins, It all really "happened" when I sneezed-So NOW, when I feel a sneeze coming on, I brace myself and immediately think the worst....How silly is that? Now, I realize it wasn't the SNEEZE that made me go into labor with Ian & Owen-I was already IN Labor-It just made me REALIZE I was in labor. Today I was crampy-I think a lot of it had to do with some stress, probably some blood pressure issues, probably some of the lack of sleep or the WAY I slept. Either way, I was crampy-so I was really worried all day-which just does HORRIBLE things for my blood pressure! =) Everything is fine-I checked the babies heart rate when I got home-and it was beautiful and just fine....

Simple blog tonight- I've had a lot of thinking to do over the last week & I've determined that this blog has been the very best therapy I've had in the last 7 months. I am a person, just like everyone else, and I refuse at this point in my life to be involved in anything that makes me feel like I am 15 & in High School again. When I am happy about what is going on in my life, I am going to sure as heck be happy & rejoice in it. When I am upset, I am going to deal with it however I best can-which has been the blog that I've written. This blog had no intentions of turning into anything that hurt peoples feelings. This simply is somewhere that I can go to write out the things I feel to better cope with what I am dealing with. It has never been ABOUT anyone-other than myself and my family. I has never been directed at any one person, or group of people. Again, it is my place to talk freely & openly about whether this day was a good day of healing, or a ...

I am feeling VERY frustrated tonight- I am still feeling blessed-mostly by my husband who is constantly my source of positive thinking-Yes, he does sometimes cause me to say bad words and yell loudly-but it is always out of love! =) At the end of the day-there is not 1 person I would rather fall asleep next to-or any other person that I would rather share my entire life with-than him. He is what makes my world go round and round-and can still 11 years later makes me weak @ the knees-Yes, sometimes I am weak in the knees over him because I want to kick him until I can't feel my legs-but hey-that IS marraige, right? =) Kidding of course-He is my world and I love him! No, I am frustrated tonight over things that were SUPOSSED to make our lives better. For those that KNOW us-you know that we took a leap of faith in 2008 and moved to Richmond to "better our lives". Lord-that was a joke- While we DID learn so many unforgettable lessons in our few years there-we were also p...

This week has been a really stressful week. I can't express enough how many emotions have been flying around in our house for the last little bit. This Morning was my "15 week" Appointment. This puts me 5 weeks away from the time in which the twins were born. I hadn't been to the doctor in 4 weeks-which is normal for this stage of pregnancy. So, you can imagine how anxious I was for todays appointment. In the last 5 days, I've given myself not ONE but TWO fever blisters-This happens to me when I get nervous, upset, sick or anxious *thank you mom & dad for this trait*.I haven't had one as bad as I do right now in YEARS! IT started with the news that my blood pressure was high-which was NOT a shock considering my panic late yesterday into the evening over thinking of todays appointment.  But, after we got past this, My Dr. came in & immediately saw the stress on my face. She smiled & told me she knew what had me worried and that it was her job to...

So, I have my yearly physical coming up in the next week or so. Along with this physical, comes all of the fun paperwork about health and family history. Although my family doctor is WELL aware of my health state, I still have to fill this crap out every year- Tonight as I was sitting @ the kitchen table filling it out, I got to the question " Number of Children?" I stared @ that piece of paper for a few minutes-that seemed like hours. ON 1 hand, I have 2 living children. ON the other, I have birthed 4 LIVE Children. I opted for "4" being my answer because I have had 4 live births. Well, 3 but it resulted in 4 children! =) I heard a great analogy about pregnancy & infant loss today in some information I was reading about it. It said that Infant loss or pregnancy loss is like carrying around a brick in your pocket.  That is so incredibly true. At least, for my situation, it is very accurate. Some days, that brick feels weightless. There are other days, l...

This has been such  a hard week emotionally. My best friend is experiencing the emptiness of having a rainbow baby. I will spare her by not sharing her story-because this is such a private matter. However, this week has been so very difficult emotionally for everyone in this family/small group of friends. For the obvious reasons, we are all heartbroken. For deeper reasons I am feeling broken inside. While I know this HAS to be very difficult for her to talk to me about, because we were sharing this pregnancy together. We were so incredibly excited to share this experience together. It is so hard for me to hear her cry & tell me how she's feeling because in my heart I experienced a pain so much like hers. Each bit of grief is different, and it is different for each person, SO I will never say I understand nor will I say "I know how it feels". Because my situation was different than hers. Her situation is different than others. I just remember the empty feeling. I rem...

The very first thing I saw on Facebook this morning, was a post from my "friend" Kara. Kara & I were both part of a birthboard on babycenter.com. We both, I THINK started in the Novemer 2011 board and moved to the November 2011 twins board when we found out we were having twins. I am not 100% sure of her due-date but I know we were close together. When Ian & Owen were born on June 24th-Kara was one of the 1st to express her condolences. In the few short weeks that passed (Or long weeks, however you'd like to look @ it), I learned that her beautiful boys had been born also. Elijah & Ethan. Unfortunately (and I do NOT know the entire story or what all transpired) Ethan lived for a short time & joined Ian & Owen in Heaven. Kara's post this morning, was a "Milestone" to those of us dealing with such heartache. Today was 5 months for her since she lost Ethan. That just sounds like words to some people, I realize. But in our "world...