Life After

So, Here is my Christmas Update… It was hard! Those are the simplest 3 words I can come up with to explain the 4 days off from work. I don’t think it was hard for anyone else, but it sure was for me. My sister & her family were in for a few days. We celebrated Christmas with MY side of the family on the 23 rd . My sister brought me 2 beautiful candles for Ian & Owen (she had read my blog). I mentioned briefly to Cris that I was up in the air about going to the graveside over the Holiday weekend. I was THAT awful mother, that did not go. I am sure I’m probably the only person in the WORLD that did not go visit their child(ren)’s grave on Christmas weekend. But, I couldn’t. I can’t explain why, but I just could NOT go. I don’t know if I am afraid that I won’t be able to remain strong from the second I cross over the line into the cemetery or if I am afraid of feeling nothing at all. Some days, that’s how I feel. I feel NOTHING. I refuse to let myself get to t...

Ian & Owen, Christmas is coming quickly. You are there celebrating with the Lord-as we are to be celebrating here on earth.   As your mom, I need to tell you the true meaning of Christmas, but I assume you already KNOW the true meaning since you are with the Lord now. I am sure that the way you are celebrating is the way that we are INTENDED to celebrate here on earth.   This Christmas was to be the craziest one yet-You two would be about 2 months old if you were born near your due date into this world. Christmas with twin 2 month olds, a 6 year old and a 10 year old…that’s insane! We were putting up the decorations the other day, as I know you saw. I stopped when I got to your stockings.   I had already picked yours out. They didn’t have your names yet because we had not named you when you decided to be born!   I think about you every single day. The closer we get to Christmas, the harder it is for me to talk to you, sadly. I can feel you with me an...

I don't know why it's gotten so hard for me to go by the grave. I drove right past the road tonight but I could not make myself turn into the memorial park. I went that direction on purpose, to stop & spend some time with Ian and Owen. But, I couldn't. I have played over and over in my mind the things I want to say to them. I had all intensions to take CHristmas colored flowers to them. Isaac wrote a letter that I've been meaning to go read to them but I just can't. Cris keeps asking me if I am ok-People at work keep asking-All I can say is Yes- I can't even explain anymore HOW I feel. I feel lost & empty. Christmas Eve will be 6 months since our lives flipped upside down. Christmas Eve is the time to share with friends & family & celebrate the BIRTH of Jesus Christ-yet I will be focused on the DEATH of my sons. I posted on facebook earlier, an insert from one of my devotions in the last week. I am not good with keeping up with devotions. I ...

I had the worst, most aweful yet wonderful dream last night. It was the most wonderful dream because it was about my boys. I was able to see their faces as infants and I felt them in my arms and I got to see their tiny toes. It was the worst most aweful dream, for all of those same reasons. It reminded me as I woke up that I was doing just that....Waking up from a DREAM. It reminded me of the empty, lonely, horrible feeling that they were once here and now they aren't. I thought I was doing ok during this holiday season, but it's proving to be really difficult. So many things to concentrate on & so many things to occupy my time. However, each of those things are just plain HARD to do. My heart isn't in any of them. It was a rough morning this morning because I woke up from my dream and it was so fresh on my mind. I don't even remember what the dream was ABOUT other than I had the boys and it was their 1st Christmas. I saw the house all finished, their nursery comp...

Today was a BIG day in the "life after" pregnany. I've been anticipating the "get to the 2nd appt" day. TOday was it. Today we went to our 10 week 3 day appt to find out we are 11 weeks =) That was so exciting for me b/c it meant 4 days less that I have to worry and 1 week closer to the 2nd trimester! I was RELIEVED to say the least to hear that heartbeat and see my little one bouncing all over the place. I was THANKFUL to be watching him/her squirming all over the place. It made me feel a little more "settled" in this pregnancy. Ian & Owen are on the front of my brain these days (not like they aren't every other day) I'm watching all of these moms buying Christmas gifts for their new born babies and I miss the fact that this should be Me & Cris. Although the twins would only be about 6-9 weeks right now and Christmas shopping would be stressful to say the LEAST, it was something i was so excitd about. Seeing our mantel FULL of stock...

This blog is long overdue- Most of you know, I am boycotting the Holiday this year. Well, not really, but I’d REALLY like to. If it weren’t for Isaac & Caleb, I can pretty much guarantee this Holiday would be non-existent in my house. I realize Christmas is about a celebration of our Lord. But Christmas is also about a feeling. Christmas revolves around family, food, and a feeling. At least in my life it’s always been those things! Yes, we have always celebrated the birth of Jesus in our family/home. But my point to this blog is about the Christmas FEELING. This year, I am not FEELING Christmas. I think so much has to do with the emotions and changes we’ve experienced in the last 12-48 months. Most recently, Cris ad I took a trip to Richmond to get our house there back in a condition to sell. We have had a renter for the last 12 months that moved @ the start of December. We also took it off the market and re listed it with another agent. That agent was getting to know ...

I said I was going to change the dynamic of the blog a little bit to now focus on what it's like to have a rainbow pregnancy. The words haven't come very easily as the last few weeks, I have definately struggled with juggling this news and continuing to grieve. When it's your 1st pregnancy-you constantly worry about everything going on in and outside of your body. You worry about the things you're feeling, the way your energy, your body, your mind and everyting around you changes. If you're fortunate to have multiple pregnancies, they ALL come with their own sets of concerns but mostly they are the most joyous occassions of our lives. However, if you have 2 normal pregnancies, and you were given two wonderfully healthy boys and then you had a THIRD healthy pregnancy that resulted in 2 more beautiful boy and it was taken from you-the 4th pregnancy makes it REALLY REALLY scary! By Scary, I mean, every second of everyday I think about NOTHING but how this is go...