Life After

SO, I made it one WHOLE week with no tears! I am proud of myself. So much of that could be because we literally did Disney up one side and down the other with NO breaks except getting to bed around 10-12 everynight & up & at it by 7 (mostly this was the LATE TIME) everyday! That does NOT mean that Ian & Owen were not on my mind every single day all day long! Caleb was a little bit of a handful this week-but I honestly expected it because it was a 13 hour drive (broken into 2 days) after a lot of anticipation & a LONG week @ school. He did great on the car ride-but if we had to wait at ALL in the parks, it was torture with him most of the time. Isaac did good-loved all of the roller coasters (kid after my own heart) and rode them all with his grandud-which made it even more fun for him-and I think a little for grandud too! As I mentioned in a post earlier in the week-there were a lot of twins in the parks. Of course, Ian & Owen were with me the entire time bec...

We've been saying for the last 2 years "We need to get to Disney while the kids are good ages". But of course, sports, money, life, jobs & so many other things just kept popping up making it a "maybe someday"  kind of priority. Then, on June 24th, when we lost the twins, one of the 1st things we thought of in the coming weeks was "well, now is as good of a time as any". So, in November Thanksgiving week of 2011-we are in Disney. It's bittersweet sort of. We normally wouldn't be here, had it not been for the life changing event of losing Ian & Owen. That was our deciding factor. We NEEDED a break from life. We NEEDED some time to regroup. We NEEDED to leave home for a little while and have something/anything to concentrate on that did NOT revolve around all of the stresses in our current life. I've not given myself the chance in the last 5 days to dwell on all that's going on @ home. But, as the week is coming to an abrupt close ...

I can't begin to tell you how many sets of twins there are in the world-but for blogging purposes, let's say about 700 million-Guess where they all are this week??? YOu guessed it-DISNEY! I've seen SO MANY twins & triplets over the past 2 days. Apparently, I am more sensitive to the surroundings of twins also. I've also seen SEVERAL sets of multiples in "thing 1 & Think 2" shirts-in one case today @ Animal Kingdom, there was even a "thing 3".  We were in Rainforest Cafe tonight in the giftshop after dinne & were looking at the keychains with names on them. Isaac was looking for one for him...Ian was the only "I" name they had! =/ On the Dinasour ride (much like Dumbo, but with dinasours instead) Caleb leaned over & asked me a question about any future babies we "grow" being named Ian or Owen like his brothers. It's been an exhausting & exhilerating 2 1/2days @ Disney-we've got 3 or so more to...

This week is a little bittersweet & emotional for me. I took a bus shopping trip with mom this weekend. We had such a great time. It was a very long  & exhausting trip, but we really enjoyed some mother/daughter no kids time! Now we are home and I am packing for Disney-a trip that is so exciting, yet so sad @ the same time. If this year had played out like it was supossed to, I wouldn't be going to disney because I would have newborns @ home. We had talked about & started planning for disney @ the begining of 2011 but stopped planning when we found out we were expecting. Now that Ian & Owen have been born & passed away, we re-planned disney and are headed there in less than 2 days. I am SO EXCITED, but I am also so sad because part of me wants to be home with my new born babies. There has been a lot of stuff going on in our lives lately, and I've taken a break from writing to clear my head & get things straight. I am super exciting to go upstairs...

Fruits of the spirit include Love, Joy, Peace & Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control. For some reason today-these words have been on the very forefront of my brain. This could be because of Ian & Owen. It could be because of our “Richmond” house & it could be because of all of the things swirling around me as I stand still and watch so many different things come crashing to my feet. Biblically speaking, we all know what these fruits of the spirit are designed to be used for. They are the “guidelines” for our Christian lives. While I still believe these are good outlines and rules for how we should live our lives and how our behavior should reflect these attributes, some of them have taken on new meaning for me in the past 6 months. Well, probably in the last 4 years, but more specifically in the last 6 months. Peace-There is a HUGE word that hasn’t been used in my vocabulary in a very positive way lately. I am at PEACE wi...

I've posted this before but... "Some people only dream of angels, I got to hold two". On the eve of the day my sweet boys were set to be born, I find myself sitting here with nothing really to say. I feel so guilty that part of me has been so distracted the last few days with some stresses happening in our life that I haven't really given myself the opportunity to accept what tomorrow is. There is another part of me that says that it doesn't really matter because it is just their "due date" and we all know that children, especially twins are typically both before their due date. So, while the date is just a day on the calendar-it marks someting "real" for me, but it also makes a void for me because their actual birthday is June 24th. Which unfortunately, is also their death date. I'd love to say that I will wake up tomorrow and it will be just another day like the last 130+ days has been. But we all know it won't be. This day symb...

We are 3 days away from original "eviction date". The twins Due date is Wednesday-the 9th. I can tell you right now, I'd like to take every calendar I can get my hands on & mark Wednesday completely off the calendar. But seeing how that's not an option, I've got a few days to figure out how I am going to deal with the day. I have to work. I guess I COULD take the day off, but I don't see what this will help. My mind will be solely focused on Ian & Owen the entire day no matter if I am @ my desk distracted or doing anything else distracted. There are lots of other "things" going on in my life right now. Many of which revolve around the kids & thinks going on in their lives. Daily, we struggle with Caleb being so much younger than his peers & the problems that come along with that in the learning process. We daily discuss with Isaac the importance of being a normal person in society. One that is caring, hardworking, honest &...

So this was my day & that's really all I have the emotional energy to say tonight....

So, my thoughts are all over the place right now.... Yesterday was a hard day. It started out OK, but by the end of the day, as it really sank in that this Halloween was going to be a very special one, my emotions started their roller coaster ride. On the ride home, I realized that THIS was the halloween I should be @ home dressing my "thing 1 and thing 2" in their newborn halloween costumes & taking pictures of 4 wonderful boys that God had entrusted me with. It was hard for me to realize that MORE THAN LIKELY the twins would be here by now, and we'd be newly home, trying to get into the routine. I'd be mentially, physically & emotionally exhausted but would love every second of this halloween. I quickly realized, this wasn't what this Halloween was going to be, and I felt sick to my stomach, literally. This morning, I was still on the fence with "about to crack, or holding it all together". I did good until the marker people called & to...