Life After

It has been a few months since I have sat down long enough to write. I’ve been working on this blog entry in my head and in my written journal for the last several weeks. I have so many bases to cover and I am not even sure where to start!     Most importantly, this space for me has evolved into something I never anticipated when I began writing it. I’ve always been one that does much better putting pen to paper than trying to verbalize my feelings. I am a super emotional person, even speaking of happy things make me cry in the right situation-so I do better laying it all out on the line and discussing it after the fact. I feel like my words come across much better on paper. However, when your brain is as murky as mine is half the time, you would understand why I feel this way.   It’s hard to believe that in just 2 months, I will celebrate Maddox’ 3 rd Heavenly birthday and in just a little over 6 months, I will celebrate the 4 th heavenly birthday fo...

I wish I had the right words. I wish I had words at all on days like today, or weeks like this week.   There is truly no way to cope with trauma in your life. Well, I should probably rephrase that: There are plenty of ways to deal with trauma in your life. There are very few ways to deal correctly with it, and there are no ways to make it just go away. This space was intended for me to tell the world the story of Ian and Owen. It was a place for me to be a hot mess and not care what words spilled onto the paper because it was in fact, my place to vent.   I thought that was all I needed. I just needed a place to be real, to be broken and to be insanely raw with my emotions. It helped…but not like I had hoped or imagined.   You see, I assumed, after a few months had passed, that my life would just go on and get back to normal. I thought to myself this was another difficult stretch of time, more difficult than I’d like to deal with, but it was fine-beca...

So, I started this blog 3 years ago. I can’t believe it’s been that long. But, what a roller coaster ride and journey this has been.   I started this blog to help myself cope and deal with the emotions related to infant death. More specifically MY infants death. But, it has become so much more for me. It has become a place for me to be emotionally raw, and share my goods and bads with people I know, and some that I don’t. It’s a place for me to show people that you CAN change your outcome in life, even though that was not my intention in starting this page. I remember sitting at the computer the first august night that I wrote, and all I could do was write about the twins birth and death. All I wanted to do was remember and hold on to that anger and bitterness because I wanted EVERYONE ELSE to know that I was miserable and in mental and emotional pain. I told myself I will never get out of this dark hole and I will never be the person I was before. I was right about...

It’s hard to believe that it has been almost 3 years since I started this blog. Next Tuesday, Ian and Owen would have been 3 years old. It seems like just last week, I was sitting at the baseball field reading a life with twin’s book and getting excited about my little boys. We started picking out names around this time back then.   I had started to look @ Nursery ideas for 2 little ones. It was on this day in 2011 that I found out my little ones were both boys. I was getting prepared for a house FULL of boys!   Who would have suspected that three years later, I would be sitting here writing this blog about losing 3 of my sons, working through the emotions of a complicated divorce and trying to find myself again.   This is my blog, this is where I go when I have too many words to say and can’t get them from my brain to my mouth. I can bounce back and forth between subjects and I can work through just the tip of the iceberg of my emotions.   I...

Not that I feel like I need to justify myself or my actions to anyone, but I feel like I need to get some things on paper to help MYSELF.   Since this blog has always been about helping myself through writing, there seems to be no more appropriate place…   I can honestly say that I understand how people get themselves in trouble by shutting out the voice in their head telling them to think things through before acting. It’s no surprise to anyone that I am an extremely impulsive and vocal person. I had no reservations discussing my raw emotion during the loss of Ian, Owen and Maddox. I waited a long time out of respect, to share the status of my relationship with Cris which I maintain and healthy and respectful friendship with. I also make no excuses or concessions for saying what is on my mind at any given time…   With all of that said-I have been under an extreme amount of pressure and stress in the last 5 years. I personally feel like I have handle...

Choices, courage, consequences and changes;   These are 4 VERY big things in my life right now.   Choices about life, about the future, about my children, about my finances, about my independence….I will touch more on this subject down the road….   Skipping over courage for a few minutes, and talking about consequences….Along with those decisions and choices, come consequences. Some of those consequences will live with me the rest of my life. Some are just temporary.   For those that may not know; Cris and I have made the decision to no longer be married. I refuse to go into details about this very private matter, but know that it is the best decision for both of us and for our children. We remain the very very best of friends, and will always be the parents to our 6 children.   That being said….Here comes the courage part.   More than ½ of my life has been spent growing up and making mistakes and learning with him by my...