Testimony, Maybe?

It has been a few months since I have sat down long enough to write. I’ve been working on this blog entry in my head and in my written journal for the last several weeks. I have so many bases to cover and I am not even sure where to start!

 

 

Most importantly, this space for me has evolved into something I never anticipated when I began writing it. I’ve always been one that does much better putting pen to paper than trying to verbalize my feelings. I am a super emotional person, even speaking of happy things make me cry in the right situation-so I do better laying it all out on the line and discussing it after the fact. I feel like my words come across much better on paper. However, when your brain is as murky as mine is half the time, you would understand why I feel this way.

 

It’s hard to believe that in just 2 months, I will celebrate Maddox’ 3^rd Heavenly birthday and in just a little over 6 months, I will celebrate the 4^th heavenly birthday for Ian and Owen.

 

I’m trying really hard to put into words the last 4 years of my life. I think I have stated before-my life is broken into 2 segments. Before Ian, Owen and Maddox; and After Ian, Owen and Maddox.

 

Before: I was married, had 2 beautiful healthy happy boys. I spent my days working outside of the home and my nights being mom. Baseball fields, soccer fields, basketball court, Dicks sporting goods, Game stop…That’s how I spent an enormous amount of time.

 

After: I sunk into a pretty good depression that I didn’t even realize until 2 ½ years later I was in. I went bat shit crazy with money, I painted things, I broke things, I lost desire to do most things, I didn’t enjoy life anymore, I went through a divorce, I lost 2 years of Isaac and Calebs life. I became a bitter, angry, broken person that I didn’t even recognize. Up until October of this year, did I spiral out of control.

 

I look back now-3 buried children and basically a buried marriage-debt up to my eyeballs from the divorce and a slew of bad decisions, an emotionally toxic relationship with a complete stranger basically, a physically and emotionally and mentally toxic relationship with…( I don’t think I can say the words I am thinking because I am not 100% sure the company that will be reading this).

 

The entire time this was going on, I was trying to fill a void. I was trying to see the good in people that didn’t want to have the good seen. I was trying to help those that did NOT want the help! I was running around in circles trying to fix everything and stay busy so that I wouldn’t have the time to wrap myself in thoughts of the broken pieces lying all around me.

 

October comes along-and I finally feel the desire to go to counseling. I had mentioned it many times to many people, but I was never in the right place to accept guidance. My pastor recommended a Christian counselor and the first week of October, I began the process of changing my life. Although: at the time-I had no idea how horribly difficult this was going to be. I thought I would go in there, crack some jokes, be my not serious self, play the pitiful me card and walk out of there a “changed person” with some excellent advice on forgetting my past.

 

Uh……No. I am 9 sessions in and I haven’t gotten that excellent advice yet. I also haven’t cracked too many jokes because I am normally too busy crying. See, I have a counselor that isn’t cutting me ANY slack and doesn’t seem to have a problem telling me I am being stupid. PERHAPS this is why my pastor recommended him? Michael-my pastor KNOWS I am hard headed and stubborn, and my therapist is a little more stubborn than me I do believe.

 

My toxic relationships each taught me something

Relationship #1-

                People are not always as they seem. (Including myself)

                Sometimes-amazing people are not amazing for each other.

 

Relationship #2-

                Some people don’t want to be helped

                I was in a bad place & allowed myself to make rotten decisions based on my current status.

               

 

Both wonderful people @ heart-but NOT wonderful for me or in my life at this point and time.

 

So, you have to be wondering how a few counseling sessions has “changed my life”.

Well, it hasn’t….It has, but really, it wasn’t just counseling.

 

I was put on a journey in October to a place called the “walk to Emmaus”. I can’t (and won’t) tell you much about the trip itself, but I will share some of MY experience with you.

 

This is a religious based community. They are all over the country and probably world for all I know. It is a 72 hour period where it is “God and self”. That’s it. No phones, No watches, no TV, no communication with the outside world at all.

 

You have no idea when you walk into camp on Thursday night-what your next 72 hours looks like. This is on purpose. But, I can tell you-I did NOT WANT TO BE THERE. I did not want to stay. I didn’t know a single person that I would be sharing the next 72 hours with.

 

Sunday comes-and let me tell you-I felt like I had known these women my entire life. Emmaus is an experience of a lifetime. It is one that you don’t even have to be open to it-to benefit from the amazing spirit of God in your life.  It encompasses love, relationships, discipleship, bonding, togetherness, the importance of daily interaction with the Lord.

 

You can read back in my blog-my strong desire to be angry with God. My impatience with knowing answers to questions. My longing for peace and for comfort that I never fully felt had come.

 

There was a specific time on this journey to Emmaus where the Holy spirit came alive in my again. Maybe for the first time really. I was urged and pushed to pay down the pains, the burdens, the hurts, the rejection and the brokenness of the last 4 years. I was given the opportunity to finally feel comfortable and confident in my decision to say “Okay, I give in. God, please take this from me & restore in me a clean heart”. Lo and Behold-he did. After the years of running and calling out for him determined that he was not with me-he revealed his hand to me. It did not happen overnight. In fact, it is happening daily, weekly, and sometimes even by the hour. In my daily conversations with God-I have gotten the peace from him that says “It’s ok, the loss of your babies has a purpose and a plan far greater than you can imagine”. “It’s ok, the relationships you put yourself in, are molding you to be the woman I need you to be for the husband I have planned for you”. “ It’s ok, the anger you have harbored toward me is OK. I can take it. I am a big boy and I understand”.

 

There is nothing in this world quite like the peace that only God can provide.

 

NOW, do not get me wrong. My days are not cupcakes and sunshine. Just 2 weeks ago-I allowed myself to let the depression set back in and I had a few poor pitiful me days where my world was spinning off its axis.

 

Just this morning, I felt the need to break down when it came time to get paid-and then pay my mortgage because I know that means for the next 2 weeks (or until after Christmas)-I will be on pins and needles financially. BUT, I stepped back and prayed and will allow God to lead and direct that situation. 4 months ago, I would be going postal about any small issue...but God has brought me to a better place when things go wrong, or don’t go as I would have planned.

 

Yet again, 2 weeks ago, God put in my life an avenue I never would have looked for before. It had been suggested to me, but it wasn’t something that I would feel comfortable being involved in because I am a prideful person. After some prayerful days, I swallowed that pride, and asked for the help that I needed. GOD is still working in this situation, but he has planted my feet firmly in the place where he needs me to be.

 

He has opened up doors to witness in ways I didn’t even know were possible. If I hadn’t gone to Emmaus, I never would have gotten hooked up with the devotional that I do daily. If I didn’t read that, I couldn’t share it. If I couldn’t share it-a few people that have shown great desire and interest in it-wouldn’t have been exposed to it…..All things for the greater good.

 

I promise you-had the twins and Maddox never passed away….Cris and I would not have gotten divorced (at least not at this point yet I don’t believe).  That situation revealed to us…that we were different adults than we were when we married. We are much better friends than we ever were together married. Evan wouldn’t be here most likely…or at least not in the special capacity that he is here with us now.

 

If we hadn’t gotten divorced, I wouldn’t have been in the 2 toxic relationships that I was in. If I wasn’t in those-Then I wouldn’t have gained some valuable friendships that will last a lifetime and I then I wouldn’t have been in the perfect place at the perfect time to meet the man that I believe God wanted me to meet.

 

Don’t get all crazy-I’m not being all “love love” over here about this. I am not even future talking. I am just saying that I went through some bad-to get to this AMAZING. This truly is AMAZING!

 

Emmaus gave me the OK to feel my worth again. God put some beautiful and amazing women in my life to assure me DAILY that I am worthy and I am Gods child. He gave me women to run to when I am making bad choices-who embrace me, love me regardless and point me back to the right place. He has strategically placed these important people all throughout each step of my path.

When I was finally able to see my worth again, and feel that I am beautiful and worthy of unconditional love-I allowed God to provide that for me….When I finally relinquished my soul to his presence-He revealed to me, some of his reasons for why I am, where I am. He has brought into my life-new people, new experiences and an exciting glimpse into the future.

 

 

Whew, OK! That kind of turned into a crazy long testimony. Sorry!

 

 

I guess my entire point in this blog is to share HOPE. I want to share it with the many women and men that I now have in my life going through loss, divorce, brokenness, struggle with God and faith. It doesn’t have to consume you. I let it, and I promise, it’s not worth it. Being on the outside of these situations-I am so thankful now for going through them. My journey is far from over, but THAT journey, let me to this one. There will be MANY more tearful goodbyes I am sure. There will be more heartache and more disappointment and more toxic friendships/relationships be it romantic or otherwise. 

 

I understand there is no HOPE in most situations-and the feeling of being lose and overwhelmed is normal and it’s OK. You don’t NEED to have hope and faith every second of the day. All you need is to remember, you are Gods child. You are loved, you are supported, you are blanketed in prayers by people you don’t even know yet….

 

It’s OK to define your life in 2 segments, or even more if you want to. Just know that whatever you’re going through-God is bigger.  You don’t have to have words when you’re angry, or upset. You can just be angry and upset (and quiet).

 

I think I am done. I have covered most of what I wanted to blog about today. Who knows when you’ll see another post from me? We are back in full swing in my testosterone & teenager to infant filled hormonal household.

 

God BLESS