Worn and Broken

I wish I had the right words.

I wish I had words at all on days like today, or weeks like this week.

 

There is truly no way to cope with trauma in your life. Well, I should probably rephrase that:

There are plenty of ways to deal with trauma in your life. There are very few ways to deal correctly with it, and there are no ways to make it just go away. This space was intended for me to tell the world the story of Ian and Owen. It was a place for me to be a hot mess and not care what words spilled onto the paper because it was in fact, my place to vent.  I thought that was all I needed. I just needed a place to be real, to be broken and to be insanely raw with my emotions. It helped…but not like I had hoped or imagined.

 

You see, I assumed, after a few months had passed, that my life would just go on and get back to normal. I thought to myself this was another difficult stretch of time, more difficult than I’d like to deal with, but it was fine-because I had my husband, I had my two living children, I had my family and my friends. Life would go on and my heart would slowly heal. Then, I was blessed with another pregnancy…another son. When he died shortly after I gave birth to him, I had no emotions. I had never healed from holding my twins and watching them die. I had allowed myself to crawl into this emotionless pit, and stay there.

 

As I said earlier, there is a ton of wrong ways to cope with trauma. Not just infant loss, but TRAUMA.

 

I have done just about all of the wrong things, and have been on the receiving end of some of the wrong ways to cope.

 

Ultimately, my inability to cope with my son’s death changed me. It changed me so much that it cost me my marriage. It changed me so much that it cost me some friendships and I allowed it to lead me to some pretty undesirable decisions. I have successfully kept so much of this at bay from the world because I rejoiced in letting everyone else believe I was strong and could handle all of the trial and all of the pain. Guess what, I can’t.

 

SO, for your enjoyment: here is more raw emotion!

 

By the Grace of God alone I still have a job. I thankfully have a very understanding boss and very loving and understanding co-workers. If I was my own boss, I would be homeless right now because I would have fired me a very long time ago.

 

I have made very bad choices. When my marriage fell apart, I crumbled with it. I think I was already in the process, but I think it was the final step in my fall apart process. As one of my very best friends pointed out to me in a conversation last night (Well, she conversationed, and I sobbed big ole stupid horse tears and snotted all over my blanket) when I lost my husband, I lost myself, my self-esteem and my reason for continuing on. This was NOT his fault. This was my fault. I had gotten so comfortable in my marriage and so attached to my lifestyle with my family; my mind couldn’t take the shock when everything blew up.

 

It’s been 2 years now since the separation. I am so incredibly blessed that my now ex-husband is my best friend. I don’t feel that way daily, and we fight just like we did when we were married. We don’t always get along, and we don’t always agree. BUT, the deep rooted emotional respect that we share and the connection and bond that only the 2 of us can ever have with our 6 kids, is a major blessing.  Sometimes it’s a painful blessing and sometimes it’s an amazing one.

 

But, in the process of the trauma that is my son’s death, I was forced to admit defeat and let go of my comfort zone that was my marriage, my best friend. My choices were always with the best intentions in my mind, but looking back, I was wrong.

 

I’m sure in 5 or 6 more months; I will sit here and be able to tell you all of the bad choices I’ve made in that time frame. I have learned that life is about making bad decisions and finding yourself through the hurt, the pain and the wrong.

 

I put myself in a bad relationship since my marriage. A relationship that didn’t benefit either of us. Sadly, he was a wonderful God fearing Christian man, but the timing was very bad.

Based on the wrong principles and based on the wrong desires. One more step to breaking another piece of my heart. I stayed intoxicated for long periods of time over the course of a few months, because it certainly felt better than being sober. I’ve gone back and forth with God. I have thought I was giving my life back to him. I thought I was giving it all over to him-just to be reminded that I am not, and I haven’t.

 

I have gained valuable and wonderful friendships. I have lost valuable and wonderful friendships

 

I have become more verbal than I ever was before. I’ve harbored a lot of anger & I have disappointed a LOT of people.

 

Baby steps forward, Giant leaps backwards.

 

I’ve surrounded myself with tons of distractions to keep me busy. I did a few more positive projects that wound up blowing up in my face. I’ve learned how to be humble at the face of disappointment, but I’ve also mastered the art of a 2 year old temper tamtrum when things don’t turn out the way I want them to.

 

Over the last 5 months, I have been very far outside of my comfort zone. I have been involved in things I never would have imagined. I’ve had my good days and my bad days. I’ve left my heart on my sleeve and am trusting in things I normally would never have looked twice to.

 

I’m in such a rut right now. The words to this song below by Laura Story describe right now how I am feeling.

 

I've been doing all that I can
To hold it all together, piece by piece
I've been feeling like a failure
Trying to be braver
Than I could ever be
It's just not me

So be my Healer, be my Comfort
Be my peace
‘Cause I can be broken
I can be needy, Lord, I need You now
To be, be my God
So I can just be me

I've been living like an orphan
Trying to belong here
But it's just not my home
I've been holding on so tightly

 

To all the things that I think
That satisfy my soul
But I'm letting go

So be my Father, my mighty Warrior
Be my King
‘Cause I can be scattered, frail and shattered
Lord, I need You now to be
Be my God so I can just be me

‘Cause I was lost
In this dark world
‘Till I was finally found in You
So now I'm needy, desperately pleading
Oh Lord, be all to me

So be my Savior, be my lifeline
Won't You be my everything?
‘Cause I'm so tired
Of trying to be someone
I was never meant to be
Be my God, please be my God
Be my God so I can just be me
So I can just be me
I can just be me

 

 

The biggest difference in this song and my life-is I haven’t found by God yet. Or, I haven’t allowed myself to be found I guess.

 

I’m still dealing with the trauma the wrong way. I’m not entirely sure how to change that. I’m not even sure it’s worth the focus and energy.

 

At this moment, I can assure you, this journey for me started the day I heard the words “ I’m sorry, your babies will die soon”. I am not sure where it ever ends, but it has taken a lot of off road detours. I’m exhausted, I am weak, I am broken.