Wrapped in his arms, I hope, Maybe?

It’s hard to believe that it has been almost 3 years since I started this blog.

Next Tuesday, Ian and Owen would have been 3 years old. It seems like just last week, I was sitting at the baseball field reading a life with twin’s book and getting excited about my little boys. We started picking out names around this time back then.  I had started to look @ Nursery ideas for 2 little ones. It was on this day in 2011 that I found out my little ones were both boys. I was getting prepared for a house FULL of boys!

 

Who would have suspected that three years later, I would be sitting here writing this blog about losing 3 of my sons, working through the emotions of a complicated divorce and trying to find myself again.

 

This is my blog, this is where I go when I have too many words to say and can’t get them from my brain to my mouth. I can bounce back and forth between subjects and I can work through just the tip of the iceberg of my emotions.

 

I have been through the anger part of everything. I think I have worked through that to the best of my ability. I feel like I have also worked through the sadness. It amazes me how our emotions run our lives sometimes and how it can sneak up on us out of nowhere.  After the twins died, I felt numb for a very long time.  When I got pregnant with Maddox, I temporarily felt some relief. Only to feel an even deeper form of numbness just 5 months into that pregnancy. I felt like my entire world had crashed down around be, but looking back, I realize, I still knew who I was then. I still had a grasp on life. I still felt like I had an identity. It is difficult for me to read back through the blog posts from 2011 and 2012 because those emotions were so raw and so overwhelming while I was going through them.

 

Right now, I feel a very different kind of raw. Not only did I lose my sons and a part of my heart and a part of my soul, I also lost my best friend and husband through it all. I lost a completely different part of my heart and my soul. Our trials came to the surface almost 2 years ago and since that point, I feel like my focus has been on filling a void that all of this loss has created in me.

 

I tried filling this void with alcohol, that didn’t go so well.

 

I tried filling this void with friends. While I LOVE my friends, and I am so thankful for them, The emptiness is something so deep that isn’t meant for a friendship to fill.

 

I tried to fill it with writing, reading, focusing on my kids…I haven’t felt complete.

 

I have even tried filling it with wrong relationships and bad choices.

 

I tried filling it with God. While I know God will always be sovereign, and his grace will ALWAYS be perfect…..My desire is earthly, and I feel so weak and burdened by this emptiness that consumes me.

 

That’s actually the perfect description-Consuming. This pain and emptiness is ALL CONSUMING. I struggle in such a deep way with my relationship with God. I’m not going to turn this post or this blog into a religious space by any means, but I am going to share my struggles in hopes that it may trigger something in someone else, or even in ME to get through this trial in my life.

 

The thing that bothers me the most I think, is that I know my desire is there to serve the Lord. But, my heart and my mind are so distracted right now that I am struggling to find the peace and the direction from God. I haven’t figured out how to just lay everything out at his feet and let him lead me.

 

You see, I am a bit of a control freak. I think anyone that knows me, knows this ABOUT me. I struggle letting go of the reigns with just about everything. My world was rocked with the twins, Maddox and my divorce because these were all circumstances I couldn’t control. I see now, this is God trying to show me that he has a better plan if I will just let go. But, when things are out of my control, I feel helpless and I quickly spiral out of control.

 

Being married kept me grounded. It kept me responsible and it kept me accountable. I have felt extremely out of control on my own and my choices have reflected that. No, I am not making decisions that are adversely affecting my children-They come first to me, ALWAYS and forever and their well-being and happiness is what matters most.  But in my quiet and personal life, my decisions have been less than stellar.  I feel disconnected from everything. I don’t feel like I can even form friendships and relationships like I need to be. I am having a hard time connecting emotionally or deeply with even myself. I feel like everything just goes skin deep right now.

 

Lately, I have found myself attaching to the wrong people and things. I have thrown my entire self into things that aren’t healthy for me, into people that aren’t healthy for me because I try to see Good in everyone. I didn’t USED to be that way, but I have learned lately that everyone deserves another chance and to start over after making mistakes. BUT, I have focused my energy and my time and my heart into these things. Guess what happened, Yep, you guessed it, I got burned!

 

I have told several people on several occasions that I fear I am hearing my own hearts desires instead of those of the Lord as I am pursuing relationships. I wound up being 100% accurate in that assumption. I put my energy and heart into something I thought was right, and it wasn’t. Honesty seems to be something very difficult for some people. I don’t understand it, I don’t understand how any person could possibly desire to hurt someone else. But, I guess it happens more often than I realized.

 

My faith in God again is rocked when a “godly relationship” turns out to be anything but that.

 

 A failed marriage, ½ of my children gone and a feeling of complete numbness constantly really can make a person change.  I DESIRE to change for the better. I DESIRE to be that amazing single mom that everyone envies….but that’s just not the case. I’m the mom with the house that’s a complete mess, a dog that gets no attention, 2 older kids that aren’t getting the mom they need because my focus seems to lie with the baby right now, 3 amazing sons that will grow up in a broken home, and a life that just keeps spiraling up and down and up and down over and over again!

I am THANKFUL that I am that single mom that has a wonderful dad for my kids. I could never have asked for better memories that we shared in 14 years, or better children that we get to share for our entire lives. We may not have been compatible for our whole lives, but he will always be their dad, and he is an amazing one at that. This is something I could NEVER contest or take from him. He has an amazing family who I love and am grateful that they also will always be MY family. I am grateful that the boys are able to know their dad and I hope that they will desire to be a great dad just like he is one day.

 

 

OK, I got off track again-

I’m not happy with things right now. I’m overwhelmed with single parenthood. There is no other explanation. I am just plain overwhelmed. I don’t do well asking for help. Even if I wanted to, I don’t even know what kind of help I need (probably a lot of mental help would be great).

 

I don’t harbor anger anymore. I don’t even harbor sadness. I think it’s 95% loneliness & 5% unsure of who the heck I am anymore. My identity went away when I was no longer a wife. It went away when I was no longer the lady having twins. It Switched gears when I had my rainbow baby Evan who, but right now, I don’t even feel like I can qualify as Isaac, Caleb and Evans mom. I don’t feel even close to worthy of that title. 

 

I know all of the single moms and dads out there can relate to this comment: It’s HARD to go to work every day and work hard, and then go home, and have no one to tell about your day. Even if friends ask, and you tell, it’s not the same as having that constant sounding board at home to comfort you and protect you. I feel like I spend a ton of energy looking after, loving and protecting my 3 boys (and don’t get me wrong, I LOVE this job and wouldn’t trade it for anything) but at the end of the day, who is looking after, loving and protecting me? I know that is a SELFISH way to look at life, but it’s the HUMAN way to look at things. Right now, I feel like I am barely scraping by. I can get up, make it to work (Not always on time, but I get there)- I can get home and get the kids fed (somewhat healthy, sometimes, I try, but it doesn’t always happen) and get to bed. I hit the pillow completely wrecked with exhaustion, but I can’t sleep. I lay there and think of everything that I have going on, and all of the chores I didn’t do, and all of the bills I need to pay, and all of this, BY MYSELF. So, I don’t sleep. When I finally am able to settle down and close my eyes, the alarm is about ready to go off and I start another day, doing the same thing over and over again.

 

I may SEEM like I have it all together-but this blog post goes to show you-I don’t. I’m not even close. I’m actually probably further from “together” now then I was 3 years ago after losing my sons.