Hard hearted decisions....

Not that I feel like I need to justify myself or my actions to anyone, but I feel like I need to get some things on paper to help MYSELF.

 

Since this blog has always been about helping myself through writing, there seems to be no more appropriate place…

 

I can honestly say that I understand how people get themselves in trouble by shutting out the voice in their head telling them to think things through before acting. It’s no surprise to anyone that I am an extremely impulsive and vocal person. I had no reservations discussing my raw emotion during the loss of Ian, Owen and Maddox. I waited a long time out of respect, to share the status of my relationship with Cris which I maintain and healthy and respectful friendship with. I also make no excuses or concessions for saying what is on my mind at any given time…

 

With all of that said-I have been under an extreme amount of pressure and stress in the last 5 years. I personally feel like I have handled it with grace and responsibility (for the most part). I have lost some friends, and I have gained some amazing friends during the process. I am currently trying to find myself again and figure out how to make things work as a single parent, as a new person, and as a 31 year old who somehow lost herself in the process of being a wife and mom. I regret none of those things. I have a lot of anxiety about the last 15 years of my life, but one thing I do NOT have, is regret. I appreciate the experiences I have had and I am starting to understand how the events that have taken place have started to give way to a fresh start. None of the events have been easy, and mostly unpleasant at best. However, the experiences have taught me lessons, brought me closer to the Lord, taken me further from the Lord, and back again in a vicious cycle.

 

Now: in explanation of my Facebook posts for those that have seen them. Yes, I went a little crazy over the last couple of weeks. I have traveled to and from NC for a few different things, but most recently, to visit some wonderful people I work with and are dear friends. Yes, I let loose and had some drinks. The void that keeps creeping into my heart and mind started to feel a little less empty. So, I kept drinking. I drank way too much and probably didn’t make the best decisions.  I feel like I was responsible, and have no reason to believe that I wasn’t…but the decision itself to continue drinking like that, was the wrong one.

 

I have recently felt a desire to use my life for good, and let God be the controller of all things in my world. BUT, it’s easier said than done people. I am human-I make human mistakes. I have made plenty of them. I will make them daily, because it’s just who I am.

 

Just as I said a few sentences ago, my DESIRE is there, to allow God to work in my life-but LETTING him, is a different story. I was quick to post on FB about my crazy girls weekend and drunk night, but am never quick to post anything about my struggle with the Lord. With everything that has happened to me, I thought I was in a place of forgiveness. I felt like I had finally stopped using the death of my sons as a crutch, or the demise of my marriage as a crutch. There are days though, that it is just much simpler for me to just say “Screw it all, I’ve been dealt a crappy hand and I am going to be irresponsible and not worry about it anymore”.  I have been the strong one, the one trying to keep the broken pieces glued together long enough to get through a whole day. Some days, I get one piece glued, and another falls apart and it turns into a crazy circle or stress. I don’t want to be strong anymore. I want to break. I want to reduce to what the Lord is asking of me, but I am not really sure what that is, or how to get there.

 

My alcohol bender wasn’t the answer. As much as I wanted it to be, or thought that it may be. I know I disappointed some people in the process of my few weeks of bad decisions. I know I wasn’t an example of a Godly woman. I am thankful that I made these mistakes away from the eyes of my sons. I know that I can and should have handled things differently. But, I can’t undo what I did. I don’t regret it either. I needed it for my soul. I needed another step to my rock bottom. It’s not over, I can promise that because again I am human.  I will continue making mistakes. I will continue making bad decisions.

I am Thankful that the grace of God is perfect as my tattoo says. I am thankful that I have a supportive church family that isn’t judging me for my behavior. I am thankful that I haven’t hurt myself or someone else in the line of my choices. I am prayerful that this is my rock bottom, and that I can rise above this person, and be who God is intending me to be. I am reminding myself that faith of a mustard seed is all that is required, and that the end of the madness will soon be here.

 

For someone that has faced so many disappointing and painful situations, you would think by the Grace of the Lord I would have a new heart and a new attitude on life. I honestly haven’t felt this bitter, or this cold hearted through this entire process. I am by no stretch of the word an alcoholic. I have just spend 2 weeks in a fog to keep myself numb so that I could put off a little longer, the anxieties in my heart.

 

Again though-I am not trying to justify my behavior. I am simply appreciative of those in my life that understands and keep things judgment free.

 

I am not sure right now which direction to go. I am closed off and empty. The joy I felt for a little while for God, has subsided. I know faith is full of peaks and valleys. I KNOW what direction I have to go, I just can’t figure out how to get there….

 

For now though, I will try to make better choices. I will try to stop being selfish and filling the void in my life with the toxic things I have been. It’s been a very long time since I have felt free to make stupid decisions, and apparently, I decided to make them all at once….