Just whats on my mind today...

So, I started this blog 3 years ago. I can’t believe it’s been that long.

But, what a roller coaster ride and journey this has been.

 

I started this blog to help myself cope and deal with the emotions related to infant death. More specifically MY infants death. But, it has become so much more for me. It has become a place for me to be emotionally raw, and share my goods and bads with people I know, and some that I don’t.

It’s a place for me to show people that you CAN change your outcome in life, even though that was not my intention in starting this page. I remember sitting at the computer the first august night that I wrote, and all I could do was write about the twins birth and death. All I wanted to do was remember and hold on to that anger and bitterness because I wanted EVERYONE ELSE to know that I was miserable and in mental and emotional pain. I told myself I will never get out of this dark hole and I will never be the person I was before. I was right about one thing, I will NEVER be that person again. Only now, I think that’s a positive thing.

 

The person I was before, was very selfish and closed minded. I lived in my bubble in my corner of the world and didn’t care much about anything but myself and my family.

 

Sunday at church, I was reduced to tears at the alter after a VERY powerful sermon by my pastor Michael WRye. He never fails to deliver a message that is always spot on. God works through this man like you would not believe. His persistence and faith in me is a big part of who I am today, and who I am learning how to be. I owe a great deal to him and to his faithfulness in the Lord. His patience has been remarkable and his guidance unmatchable.

 

I listened intently as he delivered the message. I knew it was going to hit home because the message title was “ what goes around comes around” or something to that affect. My vindictive nature (yes, I am a little vindictive at times) really was looking forward to having some ownership in that message title and some “ha ha I knew it and can’t wait to see it”. LOL

But, It was completely the opposite of what I was expecting. The entire series he is doing is about how our obedience leads to successes in our lives and leads to the things God wants/needs from us. I listened, I got a lot from the message, but it wasn’t until the very end that my tears started to flow. Michael always ends messages with “we are a family that takes care of family”. At the beginning of the service, all of the people that are participating in missions this week went forward and we as a church went and laid hands on them and prayed. Those moments are so precious and so amazing and meaningful. The ONLY PERSON I could focus on during that time, was getting to Nancy Bowser to hold her hands and pray. I don’t know why, but that is where I took my bee-line when we were asked to pray with these members. Nancy has become such an integral part of my life also, in more ways than she probably even realizes. I was able to get to her, grabbed her hand and just prayed. At the end of the service, during the invitation, I found myself at the alter, before God and my church family crying tears of brokenness and tears of desperation. That brokenness was different than the brokenness I felt 3 years ago. The only pain I felt then, was exactly how I felt in the moment I lay on the operating table in the Operating Room after the twins were born as I held them for the last few minutes and stared up at the big circled lights in the operating room. I cried out to God at that point and told him how much I hated him, and how awful it is to do something like he is doing to me to ANY human. I cried out in pain and decided that everyone around me was going to be just as miserable as I was. When it happened again with Maddox, I was so numb to the pain, that I just went on auto pilot. I stayed there for 2 years.

When my marriage fell apart, it was just par for the course. I haven’t “dealt” with it for the most part I don’t think. I have ACCEPTED it, and I have moved on from it as much as you can after 14 years. But, I will never be OVER it. I am not OVER losing my sons. I never will be.

 

BUT, I can sit here today, and tell you with 100% certainty, that GOD did allow all of this to happen in my life. God ALLOWED me to go through all of this pain because he needed my attention. He needed me to stop living the way that I was, and come back to where he needed me to be. Losing my sons and my husband has opened so many positive doors for me. I have met some amazing people. I have made some crazy mistakes. I have made some stupid choices and I have made some major strides. This life is a roller coaster, but I see more clearly now that things that God has planned for me. More than I ever have before, and more than I think I ever imagined that I would. I have started a new journey in weight loss. I have started to care about MYSELF again. I have been blessed with new friends, new positive projects and new relationships. I have opened my eyes and gotten out of the tunnel vision I once possessed. I am building relationships with people I never would have in the past. I am expanding my abilities through God. I have a DESIRE now to be closer to him, and to seek his will for my life. I understand what that means now, and I am gracious to have a church family to push me, support me, and call me out when I need it.

 

I’m excited for what the future holds for me, and for my boys. I couldn’t ask for a better support system, for better friends, for better NEW friends too. I appreciate that I can be real, and raw in my emotion. I appreciate that God has given me the gifts that he has, and I pray that I can follow his will for my life and discover that my desires aren’t always Gods plan. He has opened many new doors for me and I can’t wait to see what’s in store.