Loyalties & forgetfulness

Choices, courage, consequences and changes;

 

These are 4 VERY big things in my life right now.

 

Choices about life, about the future, about my children, about my finances, about my independence….I will touch more on this subject down the road….

 

Skipping over courage for a few minutes, and talking about consequences….Along with those decisions and choices, come consequences.

Some of those consequences will live with me the rest of my life. Some are just temporary.

 

For those that may not know; Cris and I have made the decision to no longer be married. I refuse to go into details about this very private matter, but know that it is the best decision for both of us and for our children. We remain the very very best of friends, and will always be the parents to our 6 children.

 

That being said….Here comes the courage part.  More than ½ of my life has been spent growing up and making mistakes and learning with him by my side.

He will still always be a great source of support for me, and for our kids. BUT, it is now time for me to spread my wings a little and find courage within myself to push forward.

 

I want to make it 100% clear-I know a lot of my readers are parents suffering from a loss because this page was intended to be a therapy for those of us grieving. Please understand, my divorce has NOTHING to do with the loss of the babies. It is a marital stressor, but there is no ONE thing that led to this divorce. I don’t want you reading this and feeling like your marriage is now in jeopardy because of your loss. Yes, men deal very differently with things than we as woman do, but it is NOT a deal breaker in your marriage. PLEASE know, this is not a reason for mine.

 

Changes; There are a ton of those right now. Two incomes to one, 2 parents in the household to 1, weekend visits away from me (which I am so thankful they get to do), a sounding board at home, to telling my fears to myself. Throw a brand new baby in the mix and it’s been a tad bit chaotic. However, not all changes are bad. I appreciate more now, the friendship and relationship that we share as adults and parents. I see and appreciate more now, the fantastic father he is to our kids. I appreciate and see more now, the support I still receive from him, even though I have shown a lot of anger.

Let’s be honest…there has been a LOT of anger from me.

 

This entry is to serve a few purposes.

1.       To catch everyone up on what’s been going on and why I have been so MIA on the blog entries.

2.      To spend some time explaining what life has been like since Ian, Owen and Maddox. Believe it or not-it will be 3 years next month that Ian and Owen died. Not a day has gone by, not ONE that they haven’t been on my mind. The first thing in the morning and the last thing at night. I look @ Evan now, and I see all of my boys in him. I get frustrated just like any new mom, but it jolts me QUICKLY into being appreciative of my blessings. I don’t visit the grave as often as I used to. I think that’s ok? Part of me just can’t handle being sad anymore. I’ve been sad for years. Sad over losing my sons. Sad over my failed married. Sad over my failed relationship with God. Visiting their grave just makes me sad….so I stopped going for a while.

3.      To tell you where I am in my journey right now.

 

So-You’ve been pretty much caught up on the MIA part. Ya know, burying children, maintaining some kind of normalcy, Separation, an uh oh pregnancy, separation again, divorce, taking care of older children, new baby, new relationships…yea, it’s been a LOT emotionally.

 

Some days my heart can’t take it and then other days I feel like I can deal with just about anything stupid thrown my way!

Evan was a VERY difficult pregnancy. Our separation was in a very bad place during the early part of my pregnancy and I selfishly decided to go at it alone, lean on no one, and be angry all the time. I had weekly injections, lots of ultrasounds and doctors’ appointments, surgery to help things stay calm….and without my husband. I felt VERY alone (at the fault of my own). I felt betrayed, neglected, angry, and sorry for myself. Looking back, I assume it was a normal realm of emotions.

 

BUT, Evan is here, safe and sound. He has been a blessing for MANY. Not just for me-or my friends, but far and wide, he has shown Gods grace and Mercy with his presence.

 

So, where am I in my journey? Whew, that is a LOADED question and an even more loaded answer.

 

Many of my previous blog posts were about God. My anger towards God for allowing all of the bad things to happen to me. I blamed God with every fiber of my being for just sitting back and watching me suffer through losing my sons. I don’t remember the place where I was, or the person I was talking to, but there was a time in my healing process where I heard “My Child, I have watched my son suffer also, so that you can be forgiven, I know how you are feeling”. That was a turning point for me. While I still harbored a LOT of anger, something changed in me that day and I was able to push forward with courage I didn’t know I had.

 

I have been attending church for almost a year. While it wasn’t the church I grew up in and it wasn’t where I ever thought I would be, God had bigger plans. I joined the church about 2 months ago. With no agenda in mind, and no real reason for wanting to make that my church family….I just knew it was right-and I am awaiting what God has in store.

 

 

Shortly after Evan was born, I met someone in a weird situation that was wearing an arm band that said “ I am second”. The meaning is “ I am second, God is first”. At this time in my life, I need this message to resonate in my life daily. I have a sticky note on my computer at work that says “I AM SECOND”-because I need to remember, my selfish anger, needs to take a back seat. GOD needs to be #1-not my anger, not my hurt, not my resentment, not my selfishness. GOD needs to come first, and I need to come second.

 

I have certainly made some questionable choices since deciding my life needed to be revitalized. I have come in and out of depression from being overwhelmed with a new baby and a new family dynamic. I have certainly learned to be grateful for family, for some choices, and for watching God work.

 

I have a VERY long way to go. I have gotten into a few Andy Stanley series that have gotten me through some very long days and nights.

 

I can tell you, The pain of losing a baby doesn’t get any better. It really doesn’t. Cliché things such as “time heals all pain”-is a LIE.

 

I truly believe God does not CAUSE things to happen badly in our lives. I think he allows them to happen so that we can make choices;  good, bad or indifferent.

I know that I didn’t make the best choices after losing my boys. It took me a long time to get back on my feet and catch my breath again. No, it doesn’t get easier…but it does get different. It’s all about how you decide you want to live the rest of your life.

 

Changes happen, Consequences happen from the choices we make-but GOD can reveal himself through any situation. I am living proof. God has revealed himself to me through some of the worst things that could happen to a person. I would like to think he has revealed himself to others through me….but I think that is yet to be determined.

 

I have a hard time deciphering the difference between Gods will and my hearts desires, but I am working through this. Being a disciple for Chris isn’t easy…it’s not intended to be. I had to dig myself out of the hole first, but I couldn’t have done it without him by my side.

 

I have made such amazing friendships that have been able to guide me to this point in my life. If almost feels as if those that got me to this point, are gathering hands with more, and helping pull me to the next stage in my life.

 

I know with my church family, my friends, my family and everyone around me-this next phase of my life will be pleasing to God. I am not sure what his next plan for me is…but I know I will be stepping out on faith soon…stay tuned !=)