Learning to smile again...
I am new to this blogging and I honestly can't tell you why I am here, doing this...
Perhaps it's because I've finally taken all of the recommendations from caring friends and family to write out my feelings, or perhaps, I just deep down feel like this is good therapy for me. However, I'm not sure that even "good therapy" can help anyone through a situation like this.
So, from the top...Here's my story!
Blessings sure come in small packages! This I KNOW is true! You won't find a lot of religious comment in my writing because at the moment, faith and I are a little rocky!
We weren't planning on anymore kids...Isaac & Caleb keep us busy enough! =) In a good way though. Between soccer, baseball and basketball, we really never do have time for anything else...so we weren't really discussing the option of more kids! However, We were thrilled in February to learn that we were pregnant again! We had just moved into our new, gotten settled back in our hometown again, started getting involved in our church ministry and things were just going along smoothly. IN early March, my 1st ultrasound showed absolutely NOTHING....and we were devestated. My levels were high, so she told me to come back in a few days for another level check and we'd go from there. My levels more than doubled in 2 days, which was a great sign! So, I made another ultrasound appointment for 3 weeks later. I don't know how Cris felt, because we never discussed it, but I was TERRIFIED! I was ready to hear the worst-that my readings were false positive. But as I lay there waiting for the sonographer to speak up....so many thoughts were going through my mind and I never expected her next words...."well, you're having twins".....I'm sorry-HUH? I turned to Cris and just started laughing. His face was completely priceless! We were so thrilled to leave the office that day & go share the news with all of our family. We stopped by everyones work and shared with them the good news and they were equally as excited!
The next few days just flew by with excitement. We had about 10 weeks until we were able to know what they were. As with any pregnancy there is always a risk of complication, but my Dr had no reason to believe we needed to be careful with this one because having Isaac & Caleb was such a breeze. (well, their pregnancies were, Isaac was a little challenging to deliver!)
In Early June, we went for another ultrasound for gender determination & measurements. We were SURE that one of these babies was a girl! But, God decided that we could handle boys and so, we got boys! =) 2 very beautiful gummy worm looking boys floating around inside of me! Fraternal @ that! We were given a healthy report and sent on our way!
On Thursday the 23rd of June, @ 20w and 1d, I didn't feel right. Long & short of it, my water was leaking because I had a tear in the amniotic sac around baby A-later to be named Ian Maddox.
I didn't pay a lot of attention to it because multiples pregnancy is so weird in and of itself, I wasn't so sure it wasn't normal. Friday Morning however, I got my answer to that question. I got up like normal, went to shower and found blood. I then sneezed and it all just went from there. We made it to the hospital in about 8 minutes flat-which is great considering where we live and morning traffic! I was SURE that it was just a small bump in our twin pregnancy road. I had been reading horror stories on other twin boards about all the things that go wrong, but are fixable with serious bedrest and steroid shots.
The Dr. came in, and I explained all that had happened. They hooked me to the monitors and I sighed a HUGE sigh of relief when I heard two beautifully beating hearts on the monitor! However, after we completed the exam, the Dr. told me that My bag had broken & I was 4-5cm dilated. At this point, labor was inevitable and we were going to meet our two little guys within a matter of hours!
When I heard the words, I believed it, but I couldn't really swallow it. It was just so "matter of fact". We were given medication to speed up the labor because there was a significant ability for infection because my water had been broken for so long. Our entire family gathered, church family, even out of town family & our friends came to be by our side. I was surrounded that day with support, and I believe that's the only way that I was able to handle what was happening. It's the times that I am alone that are the hardest. Don't get me wrong, I like to be alone sometimes, because it's then that I can cry & no one sees or hears....and I can release the emotion that I have to hold when I am around so many people. I feel the need to be strong around everyone else-so that no one else relives the feelings we all shared that day!
At 1:09 Ian Maddox was brought into this world with a healthy beating heart and the most beautiful long legs, toes and fingers you've ever seen. At 1:15, his brother, Owen Jaxon was born feet first with a round face that looked just like Caleb did 6 years before. He also had a beautifully beating heart!! My heart was so full of love and so full of sorrow all @ the same time. I wouldn't have thought that was possible, but let me tell you, it is!
At this moment, I don't remember a lot about the next few days. Other than we chose to keep the boys with us in our room @ the hospital that night after everyone left. Cris and I took turns holding them, telling them all the things we'd hoped for them, How much we loved them & how much we wish we could hold them forever. Until almost 5am the next day, we held onto those sweet boys and shared time with them.
I do remember on Tuesday we said our final goodbyes in a beautiful ceremony by the grave we had picked. I don't remember picking it, or going to the funeral home. I remember a lot of weakness and tears over the course of those few days. I do however, remember that I did not cry @ their funeral. I REFUSED to believe it was final.
THere are no worldly comparisons to the pain burying a child causes. There is a lot of anger too! There is a lack of focus on a daily basis and a lack of strength from moment to moment. It's impossible to understand if you have not experienced it. It is impossible to relate to a greiving mother if you have not walked in the same shoes before. There are moments of the day that I feel "normal" and nothing has changed or happened. Then there are more moments in the day, that I can barely control my emotions and I don't see how I will survive the next 5 minutes. I constantly dream of Ian & Owen. I constantly think of them. I wear their infant rings, their initials, and their footprint charms every single day. Some people get up and get to rock their children, feed them, and swaddle them. For me, I get to look @ their charms, or their rings...and cry.
I am blessed with the 2 living children that I have. They have been probably 1 of the only reasons I have been able to keep going. I feel like I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders every single day and it's a constant struggle to remember there has to be a reason behind this. There has to be a reason that someone thinks I am strong enough to handle this. Because I can tell you....learning to smile again....THAT will take time & a LOT of time!
Perhaps it's because I've finally taken all of the recommendations from caring friends and family to write out my feelings, or perhaps, I just deep down feel like this is good therapy for me. However, I'm not sure that even "good therapy" can help anyone through a situation like this.
So, from the top...Here's my story!
Blessings sure come in small packages! This I KNOW is true! You won't find a lot of religious comment in my writing because at the moment, faith and I are a little rocky!
We weren't planning on anymore kids...Isaac & Caleb keep us busy enough! =) In a good way though. Between soccer, baseball and basketball, we really never do have time for anything else...so we weren't really discussing the option of more kids! However, We were thrilled in February to learn that we were pregnant again! We had just moved into our new, gotten settled back in our hometown again, started getting involved in our church ministry and things were just going along smoothly. IN early March, my 1st ultrasound showed absolutely NOTHING....and we were devestated. My levels were high, so she told me to come back in a few days for another level check and we'd go from there. My levels more than doubled in 2 days, which was a great sign! So, I made another ultrasound appointment for 3 weeks later. I don't know how Cris felt, because we never discussed it, but I was TERRIFIED! I was ready to hear the worst-that my readings were false positive. But as I lay there waiting for the sonographer to speak up....so many thoughts were going through my mind and I never expected her next words...."well, you're having twins".....I'm sorry-HUH? I turned to Cris and just started laughing. His face was completely priceless! We were so thrilled to leave the office that day & go share the news with all of our family. We stopped by everyones work and shared with them the good news and they were equally as excited!
The next few days just flew by with excitement. We had about 10 weeks until we were able to know what they were. As with any pregnancy there is always a risk of complication, but my Dr had no reason to believe we needed to be careful with this one because having Isaac & Caleb was such a breeze. (well, their pregnancies were, Isaac was a little challenging to deliver!)
In Early June, we went for another ultrasound for gender determination & measurements. We were SURE that one of these babies was a girl! But, God decided that we could handle boys and so, we got boys! =) 2 very beautiful gummy worm looking boys floating around inside of me! Fraternal @ that! We were given a healthy report and sent on our way!
On Thursday the 23rd of June, @ 20w and 1d, I didn't feel right. Long & short of it, my water was leaking because I had a tear in the amniotic sac around baby A-later to be named Ian Maddox.
I didn't pay a lot of attention to it because multiples pregnancy is so weird in and of itself, I wasn't so sure it wasn't normal. Friday Morning however, I got my answer to that question. I got up like normal, went to shower and found blood. I then sneezed and it all just went from there. We made it to the hospital in about 8 minutes flat-which is great considering where we live and morning traffic! I was SURE that it was just a small bump in our twin pregnancy road. I had been reading horror stories on other twin boards about all the things that go wrong, but are fixable with serious bedrest and steroid shots.
The Dr. came in, and I explained all that had happened. They hooked me to the monitors and I sighed a HUGE sigh of relief when I heard two beautifully beating hearts on the monitor! However, after we completed the exam, the Dr. told me that My bag had broken & I was 4-5cm dilated. At this point, labor was inevitable and we were going to meet our two little guys within a matter of hours!
When I heard the words, I believed it, but I couldn't really swallow it. It was just so "matter of fact". We were given medication to speed up the labor because there was a significant ability for infection because my water had been broken for so long. Our entire family gathered, church family, even out of town family & our friends came to be by our side. I was surrounded that day with support, and I believe that's the only way that I was able to handle what was happening. It's the times that I am alone that are the hardest. Don't get me wrong, I like to be alone sometimes, because it's then that I can cry & no one sees or hears....and I can release the emotion that I have to hold when I am around so many people. I feel the need to be strong around everyone else-so that no one else relives the feelings we all shared that day!
At 1:09 Ian Maddox was brought into this world with a healthy beating heart and the most beautiful long legs, toes and fingers you've ever seen. At 1:15, his brother, Owen Jaxon was born feet first with a round face that looked just like Caleb did 6 years before. He also had a beautifully beating heart!! My heart was so full of love and so full of sorrow all @ the same time. I wouldn't have thought that was possible, but let me tell you, it is!
At this moment, I don't remember a lot about the next few days. Other than we chose to keep the boys with us in our room @ the hospital that night after everyone left. Cris and I took turns holding them, telling them all the things we'd hoped for them, How much we loved them & how much we wish we could hold them forever. Until almost 5am the next day, we held onto those sweet boys and shared time with them.
I do remember on Tuesday we said our final goodbyes in a beautiful ceremony by the grave we had picked. I don't remember picking it, or going to the funeral home. I remember a lot of weakness and tears over the course of those few days. I do however, remember that I did not cry @ their funeral. I REFUSED to believe it was final.
THere are no worldly comparisons to the pain burying a child causes. There is a lot of anger too! There is a lack of focus on a daily basis and a lack of strength from moment to moment. It's impossible to understand if you have not experienced it. It is impossible to relate to a greiving mother if you have not walked in the same shoes before. There are moments of the day that I feel "normal" and nothing has changed or happened. Then there are more moments in the day, that I can barely control my emotions and I don't see how I will survive the next 5 minutes. I constantly dream of Ian & Owen. I constantly think of them. I wear their infant rings, their initials, and their footprint charms every single day. Some people get up and get to rock their children, feed them, and swaddle them. For me, I get to look @ their charms, or their rings...and cry.
I am blessed with the 2 living children that I have. They have been probably 1 of the only reasons I have been able to keep going. I feel like I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders every single day and it's a constant struggle to remember there has to be a reason behind this. There has to be a reason that someone thinks I am strong enough to handle this. Because I can tell you....learning to smile again....THAT will take time & a LOT of time!
There WILL be a day when the world doesn't feel so heavy, when you can finally smile again. Healing takes time, and tends to creep up on you when you don't notice it. I don't think pain like this ever really goes away; we just learn how to live with the scars without letting it cripple us. Do whatever you need to do, Casey, to heal. And remember that you are surrounded by people who love you.
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