Highlights of the week...
The highlight of many of my friends weeks last week included; bridal showers, baby showers, births, weddings, graduations & new jobs! Do you know what the highlight of my week was? Finalizing Ian & Owens’ grave marker. Yes, that is correct, that was the HIGHLIGHT! Of course, this is the highlight in my emotional world that is.
In the world revolving around me, you could say the highlight was Isaac starting 4th grade and Caleb starting 1st grade! While that is an extremely exciting time, and we’ve made nothing short of a HUGE deal about how awesome all of their accomplishments are, in my selfish world-my highlight included that piece of Ian & Owen. A very sad highlight, I know….
I am sure in reading this, many think “Well, she has 2 perfectly beautiful living sons and a husband that loves her, so that’s enough reason to be happy”. (I’ve heard this I can’t tell you how many times in the last 8 weeks also). Well, you are correct. I do have those things, and many other things to be thankful for. That is why, in my daily life, you won’t see the breakdowns and tears and anger! I save that for my alone time, for nighttime, and for my recent blog addiction. I even save some for my few friends that have been through losing a child or children and are sympathetic to the fact that when they ask me how I am doing, they get the honest answer. (Sorry ya’ll)
On another note-that’s a good point. If you ask me how I am doing, on most days, please be ready for the truthful answer. More often then not anymore, I am willing to tell you that I am not fine. Some day’s though-when I don’t want to talk about it, I will just tell you I am fine. But rest assured, I am not fine, I am just saving you the earful!
I can get through an entire day now without feeling the way I felt the day we left the hospital without Ian & Owen and rode home in complete silence because neither Cris nor I knew what to say to make the other one feel better. I can ALMOST get through the day without feeling the way I felt when we “Erin” our nurse came into our room @ 5:30am and we told her we were ready for her to take the boys out of the room & we said our final goodbyes. However, I can NOT get through the day without seeing them, and imagining if they would have been born yet if I were on track @ 29 weeks like I am supposed to be right now. I was a member of babycenter.com November 2011 twins board before this happened. I also joined those groups when I was pregnant with Isaac & Caleb. It was a really helpful tool when you’re surrounded by hundreds of other mothers on the same track you are on, experiencing the same things and asking the same questions. I have removed myself from that group for November twins, but I do find myself checking in on these “friends” from time to time. Seeing their progress and checking on their newest “concerns” of being pregnant with twins. Sometimes that helps, but sometimes, it makes me just miss MY boys a little bit more, if that’s possible.
Cris & I were very fortunate to have our pastors join us @ the hospital & also do Ian & Owens’ beautiful graveside service for us. The boys were born on a Friday-and I didn’t go to church on that Sunday. I did go back the next Sunday by myself. Cris wasn’t ready to go back yet, and the boys were with him ( I think they were anyway). I went….but I can tell you, I understand why he wasn’t ready. He was already in the grieving process where he was angry. I hadn’t gotten to that point by then. It took me several weeks to get over the enormous feeling of being blessed. Blessed with the boys, blessed with the overwhelming amount of support from friends and family (even those I hadn’t spoken to in years that were simply being nosy, but offering their words of condolences which I appreciate) & blessed with God’s presence. However, I am there now! I haven’t been back to church in weeks…. and it’s not even something we talk about in our house right now. I am not going to make any excuses or even skirt around it. I AM ANGRY with God. I don’t care how many times people say “there is a plan”, “God won’t put you though something he doesn’t think you can handle”. Honestly, I think…THAT IS A BUNCH OF CRAP! There is NO reason, none @ all that any person should EVER experience a loss of a child or TWO children (or even more for some). None…No reason WHAT SO EVER! I don’t care what you’ve done in your past, I don’t care what kind of person you are…no one deserves this. No amount of faith in this world can erase the trauma we’ve been through and will continue to experience for the rest of our lives. Please don’t get me wrong, I am not telling you that I do not believe God is there, or that I don’t believe he has my baby boys safely in his care. I am just stating, that I do not understand, and I do not think there is a REASON behind anything related to our loss.
I think that’s enough anger for 1 day….=/. Check back tomorrow!
I think those “Well, she has 2 perfectly beautiful living sons and a husband that loves her, so that’s enough reason to be happy” people are missing the fact that just because you have these things, and are thankful and appreciative of them, doesn't mean you can't be hurt and angry and sad, too. One emotion doesn't erase the other. I'm relieved to hear that you don't think this, and aren't beating yourself up for feeling sad and angry even though you have so many wonderful things going for you!
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You would not believe the amount of times in the past few weeks that I have heard "but you have so much to be thankful for". Sometimes, people mean well, but it hurts more in the long run!
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