Stages of Grief and 5 years to show for it....

When I started this blog almost 5 years ago (yep, almost 5 years has

Passed) I thought this was going to be a great place for me to come to share how my grief process was going. I imagined this place of comfort & this place where I could be completely raw. I wanted people to understand what it was like to lose a child. I wanted people to read & know better how to approach someone in their life that was going through the same kind of traumatic event. Somewhere over the years, I allowed everyone reading into my mind, my heart & my life as I mourned the loss of Ian & Owen, as I shared the joy of being pregnant with my rainbow baby Maddox, and then eventually, mourned his loss as well. Many months later, I hesitantly wrote about my new pregnancy. When I was pregnant with Evan, as many of you remember, I was considered high risk, obviously. I shared my experience with my weekly appointments, the devil shot I had to take in order to keep him alive. The horribly painful surgery I had to have at 13 weeks to ensure yet again, the safety of this baby who became such a beautiful miracle. Unfortunately, during my pregnancy, I was also dealing with a divorce from my high school sweetheart and best friend. I chose not to really incorporate that into my blog except for a few references here & there. Mostly, out of respect for the privacy of the situation and the people involved….I kept the details & the pain of that situation hidden pretty deep. I didn’t need to add any stress in this pregnancy, so I buried a lot of depression & pain.

 

I originally wanted my blog to be a positive place where readers could see that you CAN overcome the loss of children & that it was OK to be angry, sad, or whatever emotion you needed to feel. I wanted people to know it was OK to be raw with others and not sugar coat feelings.

I wanted to be able to provide a pathway for those that were seeking help & answers as they were going through the first few days, weeks or months after a loss. I wanted it to be an honest place where I could tell every tiny detail of what happened on those horrible days. I had high hopes that this would be a great way for me to deal with my emotions and heal from the tragedy.

 

I was wrong.  (You will NOT hear me say this often)

 

For me, the stages of grief have presented themselves VERY differently than anything you can read on the internet.

 

I never EVER went through a denial. There was no denial that my sons died. Not once. It was the most real thing in my life that I think I will ever feel. I went immediately into fight or flight mode I guess. It was an immediate rush of “ This happened, I can’t change it, I need to be strong and carry everyone else through this”. Somewhere in that goal, I allowed myself to believe I was the only person who had ever experienced this type of loss and I let myself use that as a crutch in my life. I found myself saying (far too often) “ you have no idea what I have been through”. While that may have been true in some situations, it became a go to response for me when I made the wrong choice, or I didn’t want to go on anymore. When I would need to justify my mood, or my actions, it was a simple response & a simple reason.

In fact, I honestly felt nothing about the twins death for a very long time. I didn’t feel sadness, which bothered me for a long time. I didn’t cry & their funeral. Everyone else did, and I passed out tissues, and hugged and comforted everyone else. But, I never FELT sadness.

When I got pregnant with Maddox, I never FELT joy. I didn’t allow myself to. I think I got excited about the prospect of actually having a child after losing the boys.

 

The really sad part about all of it is, I pushed all of the emotion so deep and so far away that my brain started losing parts of my past.

What in the world do I mean by that??

 

Unfortunately, I mean exactly what you think.

 

I do not remember much that happened before the day I woke up in labor with my twin sons & 12 hours later, fell asleep holding my sons for the last few minutes before the Funeral home came to pick them up.

I vaguely remember that this was the year Isaac played all-stars in baseball. If you asked me about their childhood memories, without prompting, there isn’t a lot I remember sadly. I am working to recover some of those memories, but it is taking time. Lots of time.

 

I never bargained after their deaths either. I never cried out for it to be me instead, or if you save them, I will do this or that. I convinced myself early on, that I deserved this. I convinced myself that I had done something to warrant this kind of tragedy in my life…..

 

When my marriage started to unravel, I never denied that either. I did try very hard to glue the pieces back together before I finally had emotionally and mentally drained myself so much that I realized, trying to glue the marriage back together was just making things worse. At that point though, I began to feel the sadness & the pain I had denied myself of for a few years prior. Things just happened one after another that I never actually grasped an emotion before I was smacked in the face with another life changer.

 

I have learned a lot about myself in the last 15 months of therapy.

I am co-dependent. I think on some level, I always knew that. I went from high school to mom & wife immediately. I never had dreams of becoming anything like a doctor, or a lawyer or any specific career path. I had the traditional marriage in mind. The husband is the breadwinner protecting the family, and mom works if need-be but takes care of the basic needs of the family and home. I didn’t assert any kind of independence into my marriage. I was happy being by his side.

 

As we grew up though, we grew apart I think. When the twins died, it changed me. I guess it would change anyone, but for me-it was a complete change. My attitude was different. I felt unable to make the right choices. I felt reckless & scared. I felt like I had something to prove to the world. I felt like I had to be strong & no one could see me hurting. I buried so much bitterness and anger inside that it has all just started to filter out over the last 6-8 months.

 

I never truly FORGAVE my ex-husband. I am sure I did things he will never forgive me for. I said that I forgave him, but I know I haven’t. There were so many horrible words exchanged, so many terrible things that can’t be taken back (from both of us). It hasn’t been an easy transition at all, and I am learning now how deep the pain goes.

 

I have had such a hard time accepting help, and accepting love. I think part of me feels like I don’t deserve it. I am THAT MOM that couldn’t keep her children safe. I am THAT mom who not only lost 2, but a third shortly after. Then, after that, I am THAT WIFE that couldn’t maintain a healthy marriage, and ran her husband elsewhere.

 

All of these things are so hard for me to admit. It is years’ worth of feeling these things and I am very prideful and stubborn-so admitting them is hard.

 

1.    I am more stubborn than and one person should be.

2.    I have very low self esteem

3.    I have a good heart, and good intentions, but am often misunderstood because of the way I come across

4.    I am angry

5.    I am bitter

6.    I have a lot of forgiving to do. Including forgiving myself.

7.    I don’t remember what it feels like to be able to accept help & love.

 

I have tried to do the single mom thing alone. I have absolutely DREADED asking any of the kids’ grandparents for help. I know in my heart they love to help, but I feel like if I ask for help, I have failed.

 

I am constantly living in a world where my every decision is second guessed. Where my ability to care for my kids is questioned.

I can see now why the relationship wasn’t a healthy one. I feel constantly beat down & judged.

 

These are all things I have to work out for myself & all things that I THINK are probably fairly normal considering the events….I just don’t know that I have handled them in a normal time frame….

 

One day, I may have all the answers, but I am learning to be OK if I don’t…..

 

Until next time.