I will Carry you....

January 4, 2016

 

I am not even sure where to start.

2015 is dead & gone. It’s somewhat bittersweet to me. It closes another year of heart ache & pain, and it opens a new chapter with possibilities that are unlimited.

Just like in all of the years passed, I don’t have any resolutions. I learned in 2011, that it really doesn’t matter what we “resolve” to do. Life is going to take its own twists and turns. It’s never going to go exactly as we plan.

When I went into early labor with the twins, my sister made it from her home (which essentially should be about 4 ½ hours away) to the hospital, in something like 2 ½ hours or less. I knew hours before, that I needed to push. But I wanted her to be there with me. She made it JUST in time. I remember looking up at her and crying and screaming “this isn’t how it was supposed to happen”.

A few weeks later, my sister sends me a book about a Christian artist and his wife as they struggled with the loss of their daughter Audrey. It was called “ I will Carry you, Audreys story”. It was a fantastic read. It was really relevant to my emotions at the time. Last week, I was on Amazon Prime listening to music at work. One of my favorite Christian groups is Selah. They do some beautiful renditions of some old Christian classics. I had it on shuffle play with all of their albums and a gorgeous piano started playing in this new song I had never heard.

 

I listened to this beautiful music and just found myself with my eyes closed hanging on every single word as the lyrics began.

 

“There were photographs I wanted to take,

Things I wanted to show you.

Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes

Who could love you like this?”

 

“ People say that I am brave but I’m not.

Truth is I’m barely hanging on.

But there’s a greater story

Written long before me

Because he loved you like this.”

 

 

The chorus is where my heart started to ache.

“I will carry you

While your heart beats here…..

Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years…”

 

As I listened, my heart just hurt. There are no other describing words that could portray how powerful those lyrics were to me in that moment.

 

“People say that I’m brave but I’m not.

The truth is I’m barely hanging on”…..

 

Yea, that encompasses how I feel every single time someone tells me that.

No, I’m not strong people. I am a complete broken mess. You just don’t see it.

I may appear to have things together, but if you really know me, you know my soul is broken & my heart is still very vulnerable.

Next month will be 4 years since Maddox was born & died. This year will also be the twins 5^th Birthday in June.

Most people just assume that with the passing years, that I am just “back to normal”. I am here to tell you that this assumption couldn’t be farther from the truth. Some days I honestly believe it’s harder than it was the first year.

 

I find myself in a pity party sometimes because I just want to talk about those 2 days. I want to talk about the twins, and the events of that day. I want to talk about Maddox & the week leading up to his birth. There is only 1 person who was with my though that entire experience and knows exactly how things were & how they felt & how they changed afterwards. Although still very much involved in each other’s lives because we do share 6 beautiful children, this is not something we EVER discussed. These are not emotions we ever shared with each other. I went one way with my emotions. I started this blog. I cried out very publically. I outwardly showed my anger and hurt and sadness. He didn’t show those emotions with me. Looking back, I know he was doing what he thought was the best thing for me. He was the strong one. He was the one that kept it together & didn’t upset me more than I already was. Somedays I sit here and wish I would have seen that then. When my marriage ended, it wasn’t just losing my husband. It was losing the person who had been my best friend for 15 years. The person that knew everything about me. He knew all of my emotions, all of my joys, all of the really rough times we went through & all of the really beautiful memories we made in our time together. He was the ONLY person that knew what it was like to go through the darkest time in my life. I believe some days, that is what hurts more than anything…is knowing that it is beyond my reach to have that connection.

 

Please do not interpret that as anything more than words. I will always love my ex-husband. We share so many painful times. But, we share so many times that were more amazing and outweighed the painful ones. We share our children & we will always have the connection based on that. Somewhere in our mess, we are still friends and we do still care for each other & worry about each other. I do now know that our divorcing was a good thing. It was best for us, for our kids & for our futures. However, some days, none of that matters and it just downright sucks.

 

The more time that passes, the more things I see in myself that have been affected by the losses & tragedies in my life. I am 32 years old & I have tackled teen pregnancy, financial struggles, child loss x 3, a betrayal like nothing else & a divorce. My living children have suffered through this mess also. One has done excellent & has just picked up & become a strong & independent young man. The other, has had some struggles & continues to struggle as he is trying to find himself, becoming a young man, and dealing with emotions he doesn’t understand. Of course the baby doesn’t know the difference in anything. He seems to actually finally understand that when we see Daddy, that means no mommy for a few days & when he comes back home, he loves hugging and loving on daddy before he leaves. The transition for him, will be the only reality he knows. He was not alive when we were married. Our divorce was final 5 months after he was born.

 

Going back to the things I see that have been affected by the loss…

 

          My health for one. I guess somewhere along the line I quite caring. I wasn’t exactly HEALTHY before, but enduring all of the mental and emotional stress & pain, I have harmed myself more than helped myself. I’ve struggled with anxiety, night terrors, migraines, blood pressure spikes, blood sugar drops, vision problems, sciatica, falling from not paying attention, body weakness. Exhaustion…you name it, and I think I’ve been there. Most importantly, I have and still continue to struggle with depression.

 

          Secondly, I have a VERY hard time accepting help and love. I am extremely stubborn. Almost annoyingly so. I don’t like asking for help. In my eyes, asking someone to help me take kids to/from things is not fair. They all have families and jobs & in the case of my parents or ex-inlaws…..they have jobs. It isn’t anyone elses responsibility to take care of/raise my kids but mine. Their dad lives in a different city/town so his ability to help on the day to day is limited. He is always present if needed, but the practices, the appointments, the sick days, the homework, the meals, the projects….it all falls on my shoulders. Somewhere in this process I have become very bitter about that.

It has affected my relationships because I can’t differentiate emotions anymore. Things that should make me extremely happy, I don’t really have an excited emotion anymore. Things that should make me very sad, don’t really phase me. I almost feel numb about 97% of the time.

I have an amazing boyfriend who has all of the attributes and qualities that you could ask for in a man. He is Godly, he is caring & compassionate.   He is great with the kids. He is stable & grounded & motivated. He cares a lot for me & he shows that in little actions all the time. Opening car doors, Random texts during the day, opening doors to places for me, helping around the house & so many other things. Things that are so easy to take for granted. He makes me smile & he is slowly getting me to open up. I find it very difficult though to accept the love and friendship he shows me.

 

Sadly, it is because I do not feel like it is deserved. In my heart, I know I could not have changed what happened. I didn’t cause it, and I didn’t make it happen. None of it. However, I still blame myself. I assume it’s just a natural reaction to tragedy. So, in turn, I do not feel like I deserve to be loved, or to be taken care of.

This is something I am working out in therapy, and like I said, in my heart, I know it wasn’t my fault…but I am having a hard time with this one. I am grateful that my boyfriend is patient and understanding. Even though he wasn’t there through what happened, he is still always willing to listen if I need to talk about it & comforting when I lose my shit.

 

There is much more that I want to share, but right now I can’t get words from my head to the computer.

 

Listen to the song-

Selah- “ I will Carry you”