When Depression just takes over!

This was posted on Facebook this week by a very dear friend of mine. Out of respect for her, I will not share her name, or her full story. But, I have known her now for 15 years & this woman never ceases to amaze me. I think it has actually been 13 years or so since I have seen her in person, but we have kept in touch over the years thanks for social media.

She has always had a way of expressing emotions on paper in a way no one else I have known can do. She is beautiful & intelligent master of words & I envy her ability of expression. She is also a God fearing woman that has always made her such a solid foundation in my life.

I am sharing this post of hers today because it says everything that I feel in my heart but can’t ever put to paper the right way.

                                                                                                                                                                       

 

“An (Apparently) Necessary PSA

A sweet friend contacted me last night. He's known me for a long time and he observed that my posts have been more melancholy lately, perhaps bordering bitter, and was checking in kindly. He gently called me out. Okay, I can handle that. I'll tone down the Eeyore voice.

But I also think there's another piece. And it's this: I can't decide if most people don't know how to love a friend through a divorce because they feel like it's a "choice" and therefore somehow the pain is earned (and messy) or if we, as a population, are just flat out uncomfortable with watching and allowing another person to experience an emotion that is very real and very necessary and proper for true, lasting healing: Grief.

Grief is normal, guys, and it's okay. It's a healthy response when something of great value has been lost or removed. It doesn't disappear on a time frame or when ink dries on a document. It doesn't go away because I date someone new or start a business. Grief lingers for a bit. It sits like a heavy blanket. Some days are okay, some are happy, some are awful. And it's all okay.

People smarter than me researched and wrote that there are five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. Some days I feel all of those in the same hour. Each day is a process of healing and grieving, of accepting and being angry, of hurting and then being okay.

In the last 365 days, my marriage officially and legally unraveled; my identity as a stay-at-home-full-time mom went away as did my role as the wife of a pastor which means I lost my faith community - in totality. I had to be a primary breadwinner for my single household, something I never did before. The two people I have called Mom and Dad since I was 14 have not allowed me to talk about my divorce and, effectively, removed their emotional support. I'm a new orphan, a new divorcee, a new and green business owner and a host of other titles -- all new. The landscape of my whole world has changed. Every month a new change and a new loss, a new gain and a new assurance.

For all of you, my friends and beyond, the news of our separation happened one year ago, but for me (for us) it is still happening. Every birthday. Every holiday. Every bedtime, phone call, step in the divorce and custody process. Yes, I'm sad. Yes, I am also angry. And do you know what else? I'm also working towards being very healthy. My feelings are normal AND necessary.

Another person's grief is uncomfortable to watch, but try to grin and bear it and pull from the place in you - in all of us - that has lost something precious or had something treasured threatened and allow generous, generous space for growth and change and celebration, and yes, even grief.

It will take time for me to be the perky, encouraging, funny person I was two years ago. I have many moments of happiness now and I don't regret our decision to divorce one bit. It was a GOOD decision; we both agree. But be patient. Healing really does ONLY come with two things: hard work and TIME.

I know I have to feel ALL of the feelings and discover and talk and explore. I'll make some goofy decisions, I'll make some great decisions. I'll ponder aloud. I'll be down. I'll be up. I haven't walked this same road before, but the terrain is very familiar.

So, to reassure the social media masses, I am actually okay. I am actually in a good place, a genuine place. Part of maturity is understanding that opposing feelings or views can exist congruently. At this very moment, I feel content; the grief plays in the background. Sometimes the loss moves to the foreground and some hours it plays more loudly than others.

Let that process happen. Not only for me, but for others you know who are walking a difficult path right now. Extend empathy and be present but not pressing. Don't question their choices or silently judge. Don't wring your hands in worry over their depressed little minds. Just be steady and kind.

The healing will come. Spring always comes. In its own time, the spring comes.

Thanks for your support and thoughtfulness. “

 

She has always been able to put things into words that the rest of us are thinking. She hit the nail on the head by saying “Don’t question their choices, or silently judge. Don’t wring your hands in worry over their depressed little minds. Just be steady and kind”.

I thank her for being so candid with her divorce and her depression. She writes a beautiful blog also about her struggles and battles as a child. This girl has NOT had an easy life, but she has overcome. She has built so many walls around her, that as she processed and grew, she walked right through them. This divorce will be no different.

 

But, I appreciate her honesty because, Depression IS REAL. I don’t care who you are, or what you believe in. I don’t even care if you think people who think they are depressed are pill popping hypochondriacs. Depression is real. It is terrible and exhausting and painful and it has played a very large role in my life on and off in the course of the last 14 years.

 

I do not remember ever feeling depression as a child. Maybe I did, I am not sure. I do remember after Isaac was born, that I suffered an extreme case of PPD. Most of my adult life though, has been a peaceful and happy one up until 2011.

I understand that it is probably quite exhausting to be in my life. I am not a perfectly happy, bubbly adult. I’ve never been that way.

I do not sugar coat things. If I have something to say, I say it. Yes, I put most things out there for the world to see on social media. So what? It’s my life-and I am not sure why it would bother anyone else. I’m not butterflies and candy canes. I am usually storm clouds and tornado like winds. BUT, I also have a big heart. I care genuinely and deeply about the people in my life. When I am passionate about something, I do it 110%. If I am not passionate about something, I don’t even bother half assing it. I just don’t do it.

After the twins died, my depression didn’t really set in like most people assumed it would. Not even after Maddox. During that time, I found things to be passionate about and threw myself into them completely. It wasn’t until after my separation that I became angry, Bitter, resentful and to be quite honest, I felt like the world owed me something.

 

In some ways, I do still feel that way.

When someone asks me “how are you”. I don’t typically respond with “fine”. Because, I am NOT fine. I am absolutely 100% NOT FINE. I do not want to be fine some days. I want to be upset and depressed and I want everyone around me to be OK with that.

Some days, my FINE means, I am numb and really don’t have an emotion to describe my state of mine. That needs to be OK as well.

I know that I am surrounded by beautiful friends and family that care about me and want me to be happy, but this process takes a long time. I am more than 4 years past the twins death. It’s been 3 since Maddox. It’s been almost 3 since my marriage fell apart and it’s been almost 1 (next week) that my divorce was final.

To say I am bitter is an understatement. I absolutely feel like the world owes me something. I feel like I have been done wrong over and over again. I have felt the deepest pits of rejection and I go through that same emotion every single day of my life. I wake up in an empty bed and remember “Oh, that’s right, you weren’t good enough”. I go to work in the quiet car, I drive home in the quiet car, I pay the bills I never paid before, I take the trash out, change the lightbulbs (ughhhhh), fix the broken stuff & so on, by myself. I feel the rejection DAILY!

I see my ex-husband and his girlfriend and it’s like ripping off the bandaid again. That is part of what I have to work on and am working on. I see family members that are no longer technically “my” family, and it hurts every time.

 

I look at my kids, and now that my oldest sons voice is changing, I hear his dad in him, and sometimes, it just hurts my heart.

 

I take things very personally. While I know the belief that “ I wasn’t good enough” is silly….That is where my head and heart are stuck. Yes, I took it very personally, that my marriage fell apart because I wasn’t able to be everything that my then husband needed in a wife.

I took it very personally when Dr. Farber said “sorry, your kids are going to die and there is nothing we can do”.

 

I have learned, that if I let my heart get involved, then I am 110% committed and any slight bit of bad, I feel the rejection. It’s not right, it’s actually very silly, but it’s the truth.

 

Most people go through the stages of grief in the basic order.

Denial – Yep, Did that one for a long time

Anger- The more time that passes, the more this one sticks out

Bargaining- I am not really sure I did this….

Depression- Still there, getting worse by the day

Acceptance-Yea, uh Nope! Not happening. Not right now.

 

 

With a little bit of a gear change:

        I know that I am improving in some regard.

I went from being very financially unstable when the separation came because I wasn’t used to a 1 income household, to at least being able to make ends meet most of the time. I struggle a GREAT deal sometimes trying to figure out how a bill is going to get paid, or how I am going to afford to do something with or for the kids that needs to be done.

 

But, it’s improving.

 

I went from feeling sorry for myself all the time, to making a more conscious effort to be OK with how things are.

 

Depression is terrible, it is very real, and it takes a long time to heal from brokenness.

I appreciate those select few in my life that have stuck with me through this. I resent those that feel like I should be over it.

I stand behind the fact that all of the horrific things I have been through, will eventually make me a better and stronger person. Right now though, I need to continue in my quest for healing and depression is just part of it.

 

Thank you my sweet friend for posting your words and allowing me to share them. Thank you for making us all humanized and for knowing just when to say the right thing!