I was wrong.....

“Our wounds are often the openings into the best and most beautiful part of us…”

             -David Richo

 

Boy, do I have some wounds. I am not sure however, that I have found the best and most beautiful parts.

From just about the time the twins were buried, people have told me at least weekly that I should invest in therapy. I declined for a long time because I felt I was able to handle the losses on my own. After reaching the place that I believed was the rock bottom for me, I relented and very reluctantly started therapy.

 

My expectations of therapy were simple.

1-Go in, fold my arms over my chest & listen to a lot of crap.

2-Participate in talking only about the things I wanted to discuss

3- Spend a few sessions doing the above & then feeling all better and going back to life as usual.

I was wrong.

 

I have been going weekly, religiously, for almost a year now.

“Writing is a form of therapy; sometimes I wonder how all those who do not write, compose, or paint can manage to escape the madness, melancholia, the panic and fear which is inherent in a human situation.”

~Graham Greene

 

I wrote this blog to heal. I believe it really did aide in the healing process of the loss of my sons. It also gave me so many new friendships and so many new people in my life that have brought meaning to it.

I am dealing with something so much harder in therapy. I thought for sure, the only thing MISSING in my life, was the lives of 3 of my sons. Again, I was wrong.

 

This process has been difficult, but it has gotten even harder in the recent weeks.

 

I am not focusing on their loss. I am not focusing on emotions in relation to my children. I am focusing on my self-worth, my self-confidence, and the hurt and anger I have carried in my life for years that I didn’t even know.

 

The analogy that has been used for this phase of therapy, is as follows:

 

If you refinishing a piece of furniture, or restoring a car, you have to strip the piece down to the ugliest form, to restore it to beauty. You will never be able to cover the old with the new. If you try, eventually the new will just peel away and the old will be shown again.

 

It sounds like hard work. But comparing apples to apples here- restoring an old car and stripping it down to its natural form….. Is a lot of work.

Taking a human (and a stubborn one at that) and breaking them down to their natural and original state comes with a lot of angst and a lot of soul searching.

 

A few things I have learned about myself.

Please understand that these things are hard for me to discuss. These are very personal. It is actually very hard to sit in therapy week after week and listen to someone point out your flaws, your short comings, and your negative attributes. It’s even harder to admit them.

 

1. I am codependent.

It’s not necessarily a BAD trait to have. It is though, if you don’t know or understand that you have this trait. I have never truly been “alone”. I left from my parents ‘house, directly into an apartment with my soon to be husband & our unborn child. I depended on him to provide for us. I emotionally depended on him to protect me and be there for me. I mentally rested in the assurance that he was there, and would always be there. You never want to believe that your marriage will end. It’s not ideal. Sometimes necessary, but never ideal. I am thankful that I had that co-dependent relationship with him. I do appreciate all that he has always done for our family. But, I was dependent on him.

When my marriage ended....I traded one piece of comfort for another. None of the things I replaced that void with, were good things for me.

 

“Your attachment to unhealthy people and bad habits, which offer you no real control, is why you’re spiritually dying and living a life out of balance.”

 

 

2- I am an avoider. I have a terrible habit of avoiding things that I need to face or deal with. I have allowed myself to avoid the truths that could have changed the course of how my life has turned.

 

I have sacrificed who I am, and who I know I need to be, in order to fill a temporary happiness. I have allowed myself to become numb and to believe that I am not good enough.

 

Being beaten down to this level is humbling. It has made me question my faith, it has made me question who I really am and who I want to be. I have allowed people to use me, just so that the void in my heart was filled. I have allowed myself to attach to people, to my job, to unhealthy ways of living, just so that I have the fulfilment of being needed or wanted.

 

I can promise you one thing. There is nothing lonelier in this world.

 

I feel that I am often misunderstood. I go through periods of time where my heart just aches to be needed. There are times where I feel like the only person in this world. There are also times where I feel like I am exactly in the place where I am supposed to be.

 

Therapy works, but only if you are ready to hear the truth about yourself. It hurts. On a weekly basis, it hurts. Some weeks are so much harder than others. But, each week reveals another layer of this crazy life.

You would think there wouldn’t be many more layers but apparently, I am a complicated person!

 

Until next time-I will continue to search for the person I am supposed to be. I will relish in the friendships and relationships I am building and I will believe, there is a greater purpose in my life. I don’t know what it is, I feel like I am 10 steps backwards from where I was 4 years ago. But, I am mentally getting stronger everyday.