Waiting on God?

 

Did you know that 16% of divorces are due to Infant loss?

 

Did you also know that over 3000 families are affected each year by Infant Death?

 

39% of babies that are born alive (around the world) will die within the first 8 weeks of life.

7% of those will die within 24 hours.

 

46 of every 1000 babies in the United States died in 2013. That number projected to go higher by 2020

 

I could continue with the statistics, but I think you get the point.

 

I never wanted to be a statistic, but guess what….I fit into each of those categories.

 

They say 1 in 4 babies die EVERY DAY!

The statistics and information about infant loss and awareness are unbelievable.

 

I’ve said it a few times in this blog over the years- My life is segmented into events.

 

BEFORE Ian, Owen and Maddox & AFTER Ian Owen and Maddox.

 

Do the above things define me as a person? ABSOLUTELY

 

Should they? Nope.

 

Have I allowed it to control my life and my thoughts? Yep, I sure have.

 

Do I want to stop allowing it to? Yep, I sure do…..

 

Easier said than done.

                When you lose a child-you lose a piece of yourself. Those of you that are moms…

Remember when you would have trouble getting comfortable at night because the baby growing inside of you was “in the way”? Remember the feeling of the first KICK? Remember the first ultrasound and every one after that when you got to see your little baby growing each month? Remember hearing that you were having a little boy or a little girl? Those things controlled and consumed you, am I right?

 

Why then, should it be any different for me? For your entire life, your child will consume you. I just have the unfortunate experience of loving half of my children from the graveside.

 

 

Did I want to be a divorce statistic? Of course I didn’t.

 

AM I thankful that it happened? IN some ways, I believe so.

                I am grateful for the memories, for the support and the love. I am humbled by the emotional experiences that we shared. I am forever grateful for my 6 sons that he provided for me. I am forever in awe of how for years, he put us first and genuinely took care of the kids and me. How he still takes care of them. He is a wonderful dad.

It took me 3 years to be able to say this though, with great confidence and belief. I harbored a lot of anger and a lot of resentment toward him that was somewhat mis-directed.

 

Fact is though- I am divorced. While being a single mom of 3 (including a baby) is hard as hell, it’s also rewarding as hell (MOST DAYS).

 

Have I allowed the divorce to make be bitter and to feel sorry for myself? Oh yea, I have and do-DAILY.

 

This entire situation has been a process to say the last.

 

It started with the emotional pain I endured when I lost Ian and Owen. I have flashbacks still about the Operating Room lights.

I remember staring out the window of RMH at the old Stadium for the 4 hours in between finding out my boys were going to be born and when I finally had to let go and allow them to be born.

 

I do blame myself. I blame myself for not being more careful when I was pregnant. For burning the candle at both ends with the older two and work. I blame myself for not eating more vegetables or fruits. I blame myself for not taking my prenatal vitamins every single day. I blame myself for having anxiety issues….There are so many things I could continue to say but it does no good. I know in my heart that it wasn’t my fault. I held onto them for as long as I possibly could before the Nurse said, it’s not safe anymore, they need to be born now.

 

I felt like I was making the decision to ALLOW my kids to die. WHAT MOTHER DOES THAT?

I had to be OK with it. In a matter of 4 hours, I had to celebrate my TWINS birthday, which also happened to be their Death Day.

 

Can you decide in 4 hours that you have to give up your child? Yea, I didn’t think so.

 

Fast Forward 8 months-I am in the same situation with Maddox. This time, I held on for a week- completely upside down trying to keep him safe. Then I had to allow him to be born and to die. Again, I had to make the decision to ALLOW my son to die. What kind of mother does this?

 

I realize it was out of my control. I realize I can’t blame myself because there was NOTHING I could do about it.

 

But, I blame myself still. It’s human nature. It’s normal!

 

Do I blame myself for the divorce- ½ of it, Yes.

I could have been more understanding of Cris and how he was dealing with the deaths.

I could have been more patient the entire 12 years we were together

I could have been more supportive.

I could have been a better, more submissive kind of wife that the bible says I should have been.

There are a ton of things I could have done differently. Ultimately, was the divorce my fault? Nope. Was it His fault? Nope.

 

We both made decisions that were terrible. We both let our pain; anger and hurt get the best of us. We both allowed ourselves to be defined and changed by our circumstances. It wasn’t anyone’s fault.  It’s just what was. It was what was meant to be….

 

 

That brings me to my main reason for this blog.

God:

 

Yes, I realize I took a very long way around this topic to get here-but all of the above is crucial to my feelings about God, Faith, religion, Christianity-and any other word you can come up with.

 

I spent the first 2 years after the twins died, blaming myself, blaming God, blaming anyone and everyone I could. I ruined friendships, I ruined relationships. I allowed myself to dive into this sea of depression that I felt comfortable in. I allowed myself to stay there until God had other plans. (Assumedly)

 

 

I found the church. It was exciting for a while, but the fascination wore off-just like anything. The newness went away. I met wonderful people, I settled into the surroundings…..and that was that.

 

I allowed myself to go back into the depressed state that I was comfortable in. No one understood my world and I wanted to keep it that way. It was all I could control-and I didn’t want anyone in there messing it up. I was comfortable and happy with my terrible decisions.

 

Until recently.

 

Within the last 4-6 months, I have watched myself in slow motion replace the last 3 years of my life. I have allowed bad to get into my mind. I have allowed myself to cling to any and everything that brought me temporary happiness. I discussed most of this in my last blog.

 

I am working through those hurts in therapy each week, which has equally been difficult. There are some days of the week that my Depression/anxiety is so ridiculous all I can do is just get up, go to work, go home and go to bed.

 

There are some days where I feel like things are OK.

 

MOST days, I feel like the world is continuing to move as it always has-and I am left just standing. Lost, alone, and standing.

 

I read “Jesus Calling” devotional every day. I read it, I get it, I appreciate it, but I struggle with the reality of it.

 

I think that makes me human. I think it means that God is showing me things and teaching me lessons in the trials and the mess. I realize I have created some of my OWN Lesson opportunities.  I realize that I have caused some of this pain in my life in the last year.

 

I struggle right now to hold onto this “Fullness” that is found in God. I desire it, I look for it, but I don’t FEEL it most days.

 

I enjoy my church. I enjoy the friends I have met there. I love the support and the family atmosphere. Pastor Michael is an amazing minister with very real sermons. He is very relevant to today’s world.

 

I am struggling with where to “fit in”.

Most people are called by God to serve in some capacity in the church. Committees, nursery, childrens ministries, music, etc.

 

If you would have asked me years ago, I would have told you that I felt the call for Music.

Now, I really don’t.

 

I love my children, but I don’t have the patience or desire to work with other peoples kids. God bless those that do.

 

I am a terrible speaker, so outreach may not be the thing for me.

 

I DESIRE to get involved in some capacity of my church-but I feel no CALL right now.

 

All of my devotions lately have been about Gods timing-and how he tell us to “be still and know that I am God”

 

THAT is probably the HARDEST lesson of all.

 

I am feeling very confident in the way things are right now. I have reached a place in this process that I am just complacent to everything. I don’t have much emotion about anything.

I am making steps to better my mental and emotional health. I am making the right decisions to better my physical health. I am “waiting” on God to reveal himself to me with where I am to be-and who I am to be. But, I feel nothing. I lack the FAITH that I will feel anything.

 

I look around me and see all of these new members at church and their amazing talents and gifts that God is using in our church. It’s humbling to be a part of this body of Christ. I can’t help but feel “left out” (at my own will)-because I just don’t know where I fit. I don’t understand what my purpose is @ this church, in this life, as a mom, as a friend…..as everything else.

 

I feel as if I am to use the losses and the divorce as some kind of outreach. Apparently, it has instilled strength and faith in my life that I was missing before. I don’t know how it will help someone in the future. But, I think that this experience-or these experiences have a purpose greater than the depression, divorce and pain.

I am waiting. I am waiting on the Lord.