2014 Lessons

It seems as if 2014 was about finding Casey again.

 

At least, it was about ATTEMPTING to find Casey again.

 

I thought I knew who I was. Little did I know that it is an adventure that I embark on each and every day.  I never would have guessed 365 days ago, that I would have finally decided to go to therapy. When 2014 started, I didn’t even believe that my baby boy would get here safely. I never imagined that I could find a spot in my heart to love my 6^th and final son just as much as his 5 brothers. I didn’t expect to go through another life changing experience. Only this time, that experience was positive for me. The journey to finding “me” hasn’t come easily and has really tested me emotionally and mentally. I know it is a lifelong process to find your true self, and I am amazed each day at how many things I learned the day before.

 

 

So, in the spirit of the New Year, I feel that I need to share some of the things that I learned about myself in 2014.

 

#1- Burying children changes EVERYTHING. You’re probably thinking- “ Time heals”.

          In a sense, that is correct. Time does begin to close up the wounds. Time does not heal though. Time CHANGES how you process and changes how you handle situations. Time changes how you copy and changes how you feel about any and everything related to the situation, but it does not HEAL. A mothers heart will never heal after the loss of a child. It goes against the natural order of life.

 

          But, What I mean by “change”-is that my personality is different. I was married just out of high school. I had a son just out of school. I didn’t go through phases and stages like most people my age did. Looking back, I think I was just on auto pilot, doing the best I could. I was happy-because I did not know any better.

 

          In 2014-I experienced some things that would have normally been uncharacteristic for me. After Evan was born in March, I think I added to my anxiety and already depressed state with some postpartum depression. I made some questionable choices that ultimately hurt me emotionally.

 

I am not a person to hold back. I am very open about things. For the first time in my life-I threw myself into a relationship that in Hindsight was ridiculous. Actually, there were 3 of these “relationships” in the last 8 months of 2014. One extraordinarily toxic relationship that caused me to let me guard down and become someone and something I am not. That relationship was both mentally and emotionally draining on me. It also wound up being very financially draining.

I started this year with a good understanding of who I am. SO I thought anyway. I am blessed though to say that I came out of each of those relationships a different person. Even though they were all short in time-frame, I learned some lessons that will be forever ingrained in my mind.

         

One of those lessons: I am a co-dependent person. I would love to say that I am a strong independent woman, but the fact is. I’m not. I enjoy the company of someone else. I enjoy sharing my life with someone. I now know that when I find something that fulfils me, I tend to grab onto it quickly.

 

          My reasoning for this makes sense to ME-but it probably doesn’t to anyone else. Happy things tend to get taken from me. I lost Ian and Owen quickly-and I couldn’t hold on tight enough. I lost Maddox, quickly, and I couldn’t hang on tight enough. My marriage crumbled, and I couldn’t save it. So, good things in my life-notoriously get taken from me. The last “friendship” that was evolving, ended because of this. It took me all of these “mistakes” to realize what I was doing and why. I potentially pushed away someone that could have been an amazing encourager in my life because of my desire to hold on tightly to something good. This conversation right here could be an entire blog all by itself. I doubt though, that the ones involved would appreciate being a blog topic. So, I better move on before I ramble too much information.

 

#2-SEX, DRUGS AND ALCOHOL does not heal everything. Infant, each of them make things worse!

 

          I could share some deep emotional experiences from 2014 on this blog with you if I wanted to-but some things are meant to be personal and private. I do not mind sharing, but those others involved may mind. So, out of respect for them, I will keep this vague.

 

          When I lost Ian, Owen and Maddox- I blamed myself for months. I think a part of me still does. Along with that blame came a great desire to be needed and wanted by someone else. Because Cris and I were separated, it gave me even more of a boost to need to be desired and loved. I can look back now and see the mistakes that I made. The emotional bonds I allowed myself to get into.

 

I drank whiskey like a champ for months. It made it all numb. I THOUGHT that I was dealing with things and becoming a normal 31 year old. Uh, no….I was becoming a depressed 31 year old with a potential drinking problem. I am an addict. Not of anything specific, but I am the type of personality that has to be all in or all out-no in between. I swap my addictions from people, to alcohol, to even a short stent with recreational drugs, to sex, to uncontrolled spending. I learned in 2014 that each of these addiction stems from the same desire-to be loved, needed, and wanted.

 

This is something pretty major that I am working on in therapy. (Not that any of you wanted to know that).

 

Drugs-while it was a very short lived thing-messed me up mentally. It put me in a very vulnerable position where my inhibitions were compromised. I made some choices during that time that I am not proud of.

 

Alcohol-While it was longer lived, and more frequent, it also allowed me to escape my normal life and stay numb. Sometimes, bad decisions followed my alcohol consumption.

 

Sex-This one kind of speaks for itself. For anyone single reading this, or any young women reading this: Sex, is NOT JUST SEX. Sex is a very emotional attachment and something that should never be taken lightly. It took me several bumpy roads and several wrong turns to figure out WHY I was making such bad decisions. I allowed my heart to get involved in a few situations that really will have a lasting impression with me.

 

 

#3- Counseling does not mean weakness.

          2011, 2012,2013, 2014- My reason for not going to counseling was because I wanted to handle it all on my own. I thought that I could. I tried to, and when I finally emotionally abused myself beyond the point that I couldn’t take another step……I decided that it couldn’t make things any worse. Counseling is NOT admitting weakness. It is NOT admitting you can’t handle things. It’s admitting that I care enough about myself, my children, my friends and my future husband to get mentally healthy.

 

 

#4-It is NEVER too late for God. Never.

 

          That statement sums it up. After my first 2 “lessons” in sex, drugs and alcohol-I spent 72 hours at the SWVA Walk to Emmaus. I went into this experience my stubborn self. I have covered this in another blog post, so I am not going to preach on it again. But…..It amazed me to see the pieces that God was putting back together.  Emmaus was exactly where I needed to be at the EXACT time I needed to be there. God never fails. Gods timing, never fails.

I have learned that while I ultimately made the decisions I did, there was a deeper meaning and purpose behind each of them. I came back from Emmaus a different person. I came back with a more complete heart. I thought that I could do anything and be anything. It didn’t take long for a reality check from God that I needed to reign it back in and continue with my weekly counseling.

God has provided an amazing church family for me. He has provided friends through Emmaus and through church that uplift me, and show me that I am worth it. They keep me grounded and focused. God has given me all of the tools that I need for a successful future, if I will just be still and listen to his calling for my life.

 

#5- I learned that every single day is a lesson and a gift.

         

          This was probably the biggest lesson of all. Each DAY holds its own trials and Triumphs. Sometimes, each HOUR. I have met some amazing people and I am excited to see how God uses them in my life-or better yet how God will use ME in theirs.

 

 

 

 

I look back now, in 2015 at the events of 2014 and I see how each of those experiences was pertinent in my journey to myself. Each of those opportunities were puzzle pieces that are starting to come together.

 

I try not to have regrets. I do wish some things would have gone differently or would have ended differently. I am grateful for each person God saw fit to be in my life. I wish some would have stayed longer than others and I wish some would have crawled back under the rock they came from sooner. (Kidding of course. Kind of).

 

So, who is Casey?

          That is a LOADED question. I now know that I am worth it. I am ENOUGH. Do I believe it 100% of the time? Nope, I sure don’t. I know that I am a child of God. I know that I have a beautiful heart for people. I know that I desire love and compassion just like everyone else. I am LEARNING to be OK with myself and to remove the bitter and angry from my heart. I am learning to not care about superficial worldly things, and accept things as they are. I have a very long way to go to figure out who I am and who God wants me to be-but I am thankful for the major jump start.

 

2015 is going to encompass some major life changes for me. I hope that I am still able to sit here and write about my life openly and freely to anyone who cares enough to listen. I know that for me-Gods requirement for me this year is to just BE STILL. To just know that HE is God and HIS plan is perfect for me. I need to rely solely on him for my happiness and trust him in my decisions and in my daily decisions.

 

I hope your 2014 was full of lessons and memories. I hope there were happier memories rather than sad ones. I hope your 2015 is full of lessons and memories too-and I hope that it’s full of an open heart to receive Gods blessings.