Life After

I will not twist your arm, and make you read this-Be forewarned, this is MY SPACE to rant today-I need it, I want it, and I’m going to do it. Please do not take anything that I say personally, unless of course, you just want to. I am not speaking of ANY ONE SPECIFIC PERSON here, please know this. These are things that have been weighing on my mind for WEEKS, and some even months, and even some more recent. Do NOT correct my child…..I do not mean, EVER…I mean, while I am standing there, listening and hearing it happen and you feel the need to remove my child and correct him. Period. Point Blank. Keep your hands off my kid. My kids are 10 and 7, as most of my friends have kids around this age. Some of my friends do not yet HAVE children, yet they still have more respect and understanding for my kids than some that have children do. When a 7 year old jumps into the middle and interrupts, remember, he is SEVEN. It’s MY option to discuss that behavior right then and there, later,...

I think it's possible that a side effect of losing a child is PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) I am not taking this lightly either-so please do not think I am making  any kind of fun of this horrible disease- I had my dreaded MRI yesterday. I took a nerve pill before going in, because the sense of squeezing something the size of a watermelon into something the size of an orange (yes, that is a metaphore for ME and the MACHINE)-just makes me sick to my stomach. The noise does not bother me, the REASON I am there does not bother me. It's the laying flat on a table, stuffed into a machine that I can't get out of that makes me nervous. Yesterday though, I made it into the room without dying, I made it into the machine without dying. (thank GOD for the new OPEN Mri machines, it's not as bad as the old ones). I got my little headphones on, the process started and I (the moron) opened my eyes. LIKE AN IDIOT I looked up @ the lights outside of the machine-and IMMEDIA...

I have certainly learned the graceful art of just keeping my mouth shut during the last year- Yes, believe it or not, as vocal as I often am, I have kept SO MANY THINGS to myself that I would love to say. There are many issues I'd love to call some people out on. So many things I'd like to say to some when I just can't take it anymore, and so many situations that grate at my every single nerve, but I just choose turn a blind eye. I love my husband. My dear, sweet, level headed, wonderfully hearted husband. He puts up with so much-he gets the complete brunt of all of my bitch sessions and never once complains. He is so supportive, even when he just doesn't care- My best friend Brandi and I were talking today about how nice it would be to go back in time, to be innocent minded, and know NOTHING of this life of pain and hurt. How special would it be to be an adult, to be innocent to the world? To LOVE OTHERS the way a child does? To not know deep true pain and suffer...

Everyone needs compassion, a love that's never failing. Let Mercy fall on me. Everyone needs forgiveness, the kidness of a savior, the hope of Nations. Savior, He can move the mountains, My God is mightly to save. He is Mighty to save. Forever, author of salvation, he rose & conquored the grave, Jesus conquored the grave. Take my as you find me, all my fears and failures, Fill my life again Give my life to follow, and everything i believe in, now I surrender. I surrender..... Savior he can move the mountains, My God is mightly to save, he is mighty to save. Forever, author of salvation, he rose and conquored the grave, Jesus conquored the grave. Shine your light and let the whole world see, Singing, for the glory of the RISEN king. Jesus, shine your light and let the whole world see, singing for the glory of the RISEN KING. Savior he can move the mountains, My god is mighty to save, he is MIGHTY TO SAVE. Forever, author of salvation, he rose & conquored the grave,...

It is certainly not the natural order of life to bury one's child. I read a great thing, that is stuck in my head and sums up so much how I feel. "when you lose a parent, you lose your past; When a child dies, you lose your future" I truly believe that the pain of a bereaved parent is the most intense and deeply intense pain. Not that I would at ALL be ok if I lost my parents, or my "in law" parents-I am fortunate enough to have ALL of my parents alive. I do not know the pain of losing a parent and for so many obvious reasons, I do hope I never have to know this pain. I can tell you though, so many things about losing a child, yet I can tell you nothing all at the same time. There is nothing more debilitating than looking into the sweet face of your son taking his final breath. There is nothing more emotional than hearing the words, "your child will die". There is also nothing that causes such determination as those same words. Determinied ...