12 months ago at this moment, everyone had left for the evening and Cris and I sat silently and tearfully in a room holding both of your boys that had just an hours before had beautifully beating hearts. Now, 12 months later, I sit here watching him put a new fan in the "what would have been the twins" nursery. On this day, their day of birth & death, we are in a completely different place than we were at this point with them 366 days ago. Yes, I meant 366-It's leap year! =) I have prepared, dreaded, and had major anxiety and panic about this day for weeks, even months really. For some reason today, I am at peace. I have explained before, that I was strangly at peace when Dr. F shared with us at 7am that morning, that by the end of the day, we would hold our babies and say goodbye. Today, I feel peace, but a different kind of peace. I am so thankful that I haven't had a day full of panic and anxiety. I made the decision many weeks ago, that on this day, I w...
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Can you believe that it's been almost a year since Ian & Owen were born? This time 12 months ago, I was blissfully in a daze excited about being a mommy of twin boys. This was actually right about the time that we found out both Baby A & Baby B were boys. Little did I know that in just a few short days, my HEALTHY boys would be born into this horrible cruel world. Ian was glad to show us quickly that he was indeed a boy, and very proud of it. Owen was quieter, a little more shy, and wanted to sit down on his bottom the entire time during ALL of my ultrasounds. We were only about 90% sure he was a boy before he was born. I was fortunate enough to have my mom, mother in law and sister in law in the room with us when we had our 20 week ultrasound, so they were able to see their grandsons and nephews alive, well & active. I was more than blessed to have my SISTER be the very first to see the twins as she stood by my side (Cris too of course) while they were born. ...
Today, a very special friend of mine is "honoring" 5 years since she lost her little girl Peyton. This special friend has been so involved in the loss of Ian, Owen & Maddox and was often the ONLY person that I spoke to about anything. We used to work for the same company, but in different states. Shortly after I came on board, she accepted a job elsewhere, so when we worked in the same company, I did not really KNOW her. We were brought together after the loss of the twins, and I am forever grateful for her presence in my life. She drove in 8 inches of snow in flip flops at 12 midnight when I texted her that I was headed to the hospital for Maddox, THREE HOURS she drove in the middle of the night and THIS was the 1st time we actually met in person. She has been a major source of support and love and I can honestly say, I could not have made it this far without her in my life. There have been MANY MANY of you like this in my life, but today, I am going to honor her and h...
Best BLOG I have read in a LONG time. It is so hard sitting in my shoes trying to come up with the right words to say. The things I think, would surely hurt some feelings, so I just don't say what I truly feel somteimes on this blog-but this mother put into words, so many important facts. Asbolutely worth a read and truly putting yourself in these shoes for just a moment to fathom the feelings... For Those Of You Who Believe You Could Lose Your Child Tomorrow and Still Be Who You Are Today Posted by larryanddarrinsmom on May 30, 2012 in Blog , Favorites | 78 comments Before you read this post, please understand that I am not referring to ALL parents who have not lost a child. I am referring to certain friends and family members of myself and my support group members who, no matter how hard we try to avoid, continually search us out only to tell us how to grieve the loss of our child. These people say things that are hurtful to us and continually try to counsel us wit...
I'm REALLY not sure right now which is worse... Anticipating the year Birthday Day/Death Day of Ian & Owen, or anticipating my "supossed to be" due date with Maddox Garrison. I think even worse than that, they are BOTH within 2 10 days of each other. =/ Ho hum.... Some people have shared with me that it gets easier once you get over the year anniversary. But, for some reason, I doubt that with myself, because shortly after I reach the year, I have to anticipate the due date of Maddox, and then the birthday/death date of Maddox 7 months later. I am quickly figuring out that STRESS causes many issues emotionally, physically and mentally. For some reason, medical issues have become something I am obsessed & paranoid over. (my poor nurse friends). In my mind, the day of my kidney surgery, I should have been able to go back to work/gym, etc. I am 3 weeks post surgery, and I am paranoid that every slight pain in my side/back is another stone, or an infection, or ...