Life After

What an INCREDIBLY stressful week. I need a place to vent, but the problem is, I can't really VENT what is on my mind. Well, I CAN, but I won't, yet... Those that are close to us, know that our personal situations of stress reach well beyond the loss of Ian, Owen and Maddox. While those are "stressors" in our lives, we have had many things lead up to this point in our life that have been really trying. about 4 years ago, we took a wonderful (or we thought at the time) opportunity for Cris is make a BIG STEP in his career. We picked up and moved to Richmond to pursue this chance for him. There were so many hard parts about this move and transition, but looking back, there were so many wonderful ones too. At this point, we had been married about 5-6 years & we had never lived "AWAY" from home. We had our OWN house, we had owned 2 homes by this point, but we never loved away from Roanoke, away from our families and what we knew. When we moved, we really...

I had the scare of my life today- For one second, one tiny second I worried that I had forgotten what my angel babies faces looked like. Then of course, I had a complete panic attack and the tears wouldn't stop. I don't even know WHAT I was doing, but it hit me out of no where. I've read in a few of my grief books lately that @ some point, there comes a time when the grieving mother has to stop feeling that there is a right of passage for mourning. I realize I am not there yet, because I take great offense to hearing that at some point, I will need to stop focusing my life around my past 11 months. My anxiety is off the charts right now as we come to Ian & Owen's first year in Heaven and the "projected" date of birth for Maddox. I am sure those close to me, around me, or even aquantances are tired of reading and/or hearing about my boys. I wish I could explain or put into this blog how I am truly feeling on the inside, but if I did, I think I woul...

Today......was Meltdown day! Not only was it meltdown day-it was MEGA meltdown day. I have been SO consumed in the past month with these kidney issues, that my focus has NOT been on my healing over my sons, but on my complete and utter body pain. On top of the emotional sadness that I had put to the side, I was dealing with physical pain that was out of this world. FOr those that don't know, I had kidney stones, had surgery to remove, because it wasn't going to pass on it's own, and then had a devil stent. I begged to have the stent removed 3 days early to which my doctor agreed because I think he was tired of my whining. I did NOT get the immediate relief I was hoping for. In fact, we are 4 days post stent removal and I am still experiencing some semi-severe ureter/bladder spasms that are painful. Not just ouch that hurt painful, but stinging, burning, I am crying it hurts so bad spasms. HOWEVER, I do realize that I have come a long way in the 4 days, because I know l...

"  Our Family is circle of love & Strength with Every Birth & Every Union the circle grows. Every joy shared adds more love. Every Crisis faced together makes the circle stronger". This was handwritten by the hand of one of the most beautiful woman I know, and left mysteriously on my door step tonight-for Mothers Day! This same woman-this morning gave me an alternate way of looking @ this Mothers day-By reminding me that my boys-Ian, Owen & Maddox were blessed in their short lives because they only knew the pure true love of their mother-because they were held by those that loved them during their short lives-all they knew was love. I have been a horrible friend and a person that least deserves such a wonderful gift today or ANY day. I have been selfish, self absorbed & angry for too long. I am BLESSED by this person, for her love, for her selfless behavior & for her unconditional friendship. We have known each other for more than 12 years, but ...

I have a taken a semi Hiatus from blogging over the last month. Not because I haven’t had plenty to say, but because I’ve had plenty going on that finding the time to sit down & blog has been difficult. First things first-It’s been a ROUGH month! Most of you that know me personally, know that I have been struggling with kidney stones for 3 weeks now. Finally on Wednesday, I had surgery to REMOVE the horrible stone that has been causing me to be in so much pain! Not that having a stent in my kidney/bladder region is a lot better than a stone, but at least we are on the tail end of the misery and there IS an end in sight (I HOPE nothing else goes wrong). Secondly-WE CLOSED on the house in Richmond. We have been dealing with this stress for 3 years now, and it felt GREAT At the beginning of May to kiss that house GOOD BYE! We wish the new owners as much happiness in that house as we had (because we DID love the house). BUT we are glad to no longer be the owners!!!!! Prais...